Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Hmm, the other day I wrote about odd dreams and how I'd driven a double decker bus and corrected my style of driving by recalling a previous dream.  Well the following night I again had a dream with transport as a running theme.  

Now I can't recall exactly why I was in America, nor could I tell you why in a previous dream on the same night I'd been packed off in a black cab heading to London from Winchester.  Anyway that's not that odd, compared to the second dream, where by I was being brought back to the UK, on the back of a floating banana thing, but a small speed boat.  Whilst this was taking place I was annoying (me do something like that? never!) the others on the inflateable by talking about shark attacks.  Within minutes though I was tied up on the back of a truck going through some country and finally onto a train going through China, and pulling up at some cartoon theme park.  

Why I've had dreams about all modes of transport of late I don't know it is odd that they followed each other.  However, dreams are dreams and I may well have been thinking about the previous dream, before sleeping the following night.  I don't know, I can't recall that.

As for me, I'm doing well I think.  I'm being very careful in terms of what I'm doing and why I'm doing things of late, trying to get myself straight and with some freedom to do the odd thing for myself rather than just living.  I think that's why I enjoy last Saturday when I ended up at Cavfest, it was a bonus to get out and to be enjoying myself.  Now the question is though, and it's only now that I can ask this.  Why when I went out on Saturday, didn't I have a second thought?  Why didn't I have a panic attack, like the other week?  You know I can ask myself that I can throw answers at it, perhaps start to chip away to get the answer, but as I do that I come up with crazy answers, which I either shouldn't come up with, or are totally stupid.  Even those that I shouldn't come up with are daft idea's that I can't even begin to explain why I even considered that to be a possible answer.  I'm going to have to leave that till another day, I'm starting to feel that knot in my stomach again, which isn't healthy.

So back to me, I'm being positive, I'm trying to plod along with life, trying to think of what's around the corner and what isn't.  I'm even coming to the conclusion that I'm getting old.  Over the past few days I've listened to more shows from Radio 4 than I've ever done in my life.  I don't know why, but it's been fun to listen to and interesting as well.  I know I've been listening to Just A Minute for nearly 20 years now, but that's been like 2 or 3 series a year with about 6 or 8 shows in each series.  I've been listening to 5 others shows since Monday, I always thought Radio 4 was for the oldies, and so I'm finally joining that group... Oh well, the group along will be pensioner, but that's going to be years and years and years away yet.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Odd Dreams

I didn't type anything yesterday for sure. and so this is going to be slightly odd I guess.  Now it isn't often one remembers a dream you have.  However I have a vivid recollection of the dream I had on Saturday/Sunday night, nothing in that as I said it occasionally happens.  However, this dream was odd, odd in the fact that in the middle of it I corrected something that was taking place in my dream.  

OK, this isn't odd, nor is it earth shattering, but it's the first time I've ever correct myself in a dream, because of something I've done in a previous totally unrelated dream.  That's the odd thing about it, unlike the previous dream I had, in this one I didn't steal the double decker bus I was driving, this time I volunteered to go back with it to it's depot, after it's "driver" had left it.  I can't recall why they'd left the vehicle, but they had.  Strange things happen in dreams, but this bus had an auto driver fitted and was following it's programmed route, but I decided to take this off and drive it myself, stupid of me I know but hey ho.  At which point I started to drive a bit too quickly for a vehicle that big, and after tunring down a road, found myself jumping onto the pavement.  It was here that I remembered my previous dream, and corrected myself by telling myself that I couldn't drive to fast with this thing.  

That I then had to take a diversion which ended in a dead end wasn't my fault that was the stupid dream, but I did correct the speed and found driving that bus so much more easier, the only thing missing was the music, as I couldn't find the on/off button for the radio.  I don't know why I dreamt this dream, nor do I know how or why I recalled the previous dream with me driving a similar vehicle, however it's a first for me and one I'm quite shocked about.  Shocked in a good way I think, it's given me much to ponder at a time when I've got little to think about. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Special Moments

As I begin to write this blog, I know that I may start crying or getting emotional whilst typing away.  I've an idea where I'm going with this entry and that's why I know what's going to happen.

Some things are special, be it an item, be it a person, a song, a book etc, we've all got something special to ourselves.  Then ocassionally something special happens in a moment, that lots of people feel, that lots of people hold dear to themselves, all at the same time.  Yesterday was one of those moments where lots of people around the world smiled, and will hold for a long time to come.

I'm sure that you are all aware that I love sport, and sport can bring these special moments described above to lots of people and yesterday it did just that.  Lancashire won Cricket's County Championship, maybe not headline sports news around the world, but for those of us who follow country cricket and not just the Test Matches, played by nations from around the world, it was headline news.  It's been 77 years since Lancashire last won this title, we've finished runners up numerous times inbetween then and now, and even shared the title, in 1950, but never won it on our own since way back in 1934.  

So that moment when the winning runs were hit, some may have watched on tv, some like myself may have heard on the radio, or others might have been reading twitter, facebook or sports feeds from around the world, who were born and bred in the glourious and most important county of Lancashire would have had a smile, and had a feeling that of which few of us would have experienced before watching county cricket.  

No one though could have predicted the manor in which the title was won, Shakespeare, Bronte, Dickens, Christie and any other author would have to have to have written at least 10 attempts each to come close to capturing the drama, the nerves and and joy of the final day of the season yesterday.  Sport has that ability to create these moment, to make mockery of what is expected and what isn't.  Sport produces moments that can change peoples lives positively or negatively.  So soon after the horrible plane crash in Russia which wiped away a hockey team, which led to gloom and dooom into the sports side of my life, Lancashire have wiped the clouds away and the sun is shining, brighter than ever.  

The only negative throught that I had about yesterday, is that my dad wasn't alive to see this, he loved his cricket, and upon speaking to my Aunt in Canada last night she was reminising about her, my dad, and friends spending summer days at the cricket watching Lancashire at Old Trafford.  Not once did they see them win the championship.  She agree with my thought that if there is an after life, my dad and my grand dad for that matter would be raising a glass of something to toast the victory.  Me, I had a cup of tea, not exactly champagne, but it was just as sweet.  

Well Done Lancashire, praise for Warwickshire for the worthy fight for the title.  Cricket was the winner yesterday, the tension, the drama and the polar differences of joy and despair, shows that whilst the one day game is entertaining, the origianal game is still as strong, still as entertaining and can produce moments that yesterday....  

Lancashire Cricket Club, County Cricket Champions 2011......

Friday, September 09, 2011

It's lost

It's the end of the week, it's certainly autumnal now, and so the window is now closed.  That being the bedroom window, it won't be opened again till next year now, unless we get the indian summer that I can but hope for.  

When you lose something it hurts, when you lose something and you think you know why, but can't quite say yes that's why it's hurts and it confuses, which isn't a good combination.  That's how things are right now, but whilst I'm slightly confused, I think I've enough sense in me to move on, let things calm down.  I'm not going to go chasing my tail, because it's in front of me.  I need to relax, stop thinking stupid things, stop wishing for things that won't happen and get back into the real world.  That's not to say I'm not in the real world right now, I certainly am, but my thoughts sometimes I catch myself imagining things that perhaps I should be doing.  

So what am I doing to keep calm over the situation?  Well I'm trying to ignore the fact, trying to tell myself that it's not important, and trying to tell myself that life is such that this loss, may be painful, but it isn't my doing, though in a way it was, no the correct phrasiology should be it's not of my choosing.  I'll turn a corner, and see what I can see, it may be positive, it may be negative, but such is life that one can but deal with it when it arrives.  I've fought all my life for acceptance, and have given more than I perhaps should have to get that, but it ends up back in my face most times through trying too hard or my own expectations.  Who knows what tomorrow brings, but the thing I'm certain of it will bring another day and another night.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011


Whilst I reflect on the weekend, I've found a slight calm that is slowly washing over me.  I'm still no wiser to what went on, on Saturday night, but I'm not going to dwell too long on it.  I should point out that I sent an email to a friend on Sunday discussing the event after posting in here, and whilst my stomach churned once more it wasn't quite as bad as previously.  It's grumbling now, but I'm not sure if that isn't due to it being lunch time.

I'm going to endeavour to put Saturday behind me, use it as a one off, I've got to try and move on and carry on looking forward.  One or two things are in the pot at the moment, which could be promising, though they can not be disclosed.  However, they are positives and that's what I need to be or need to look for.  I know I have some fears, and they are fears that I may once never have had, but then I write that and start to think back and I've always had them, they just didn't manifest in the way they did on Saturday.  I used to hate the volunteer nights I used to do with the social workers at Barnardo's.  The amount of times I'd fret over a big group session like those and once I got going I was fine.  I'd throw or kick balls at walls to get rid of tension or anger or fear.  It's basically the same thing.  Hmm, interesting that I'd blocked that out for so long, and yet I've done things where I've had to stand up in front of bigger groups and groups of elders, peers etc and speak, since without many worries.  

Oh the quirkiness of life, and the foibles of my personality.  I guess it's something that I've got live with, but I just hope it never mannifests like that again.  So still no phone call from the county courts office, I know I said I'd give it till the end of the week, but I'm all but sure that I've not got a position.  Back to the drawing board I guess and lets see what I can find, and hopefully to get another interview soon.  I doubt it, but I'm not going let it kill me.  I know my strengths, and weakneses, I know I'm happy with the jobs I'm looking at are posts that I feel I can do, and even if others don't feel that way I'm confident in my own abilites.  I'm confident that the positions I'm failing to get it's them that are making the mistake of not employing me, rather than me making mistakes with application forms etc.  

And so to life. it's OK.  I guess the poor weather is a factor in not wanting to do much.  It's been raining, windy and cold.  Till now which is 13.04, I'd not seen anything other than clouds, I can see a thin rip in the clouds showing some blue sky behind.  However it is thin and shrinking.  Where as before it was slate grey and as dark as it is at 8pm this morning till way past 9am, it's now a bit brighter the sliver of blue was engulfed by the white clouds, which is keeping the far nastier looking grey clouds at bay.  In other words it'sa  bloody awful day here in Salford.  It feels like winter, though we are still in the last throws of summer, it's now we should be hoping for an Indian summer, but it isn't going to be forthcoming at this rate.  It would be nice as it's been the coldest summer in the UK for near enough 20 years, not since 1992 I think they said last week have we had a colder summer. 

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Panic in the houses of Liverpool

Oh wow, I have to write, but where do I start?  Why after years of being able to walk out where ever I want with whom, did I fall so badly back into a situation full of anxiety and fear?  Why did it have to happen yesterday when it did?

I'm trying to work it out honestly, and methodically, so I can understand the stupidity of it all.  It was stupid, it was crazy, and I don't know what happened.  I'm sure some of my friends will say that it's repeating old habbits and god it was, but I'd got over that, or I thought I had.  

What happened?  Well I got changed to go to a friends wedding, I checked my outfit in the mirror and froze, I don't know why, but I felt awful, I felt I looked awful, I felt I was underdressed and was going to be laughed at etc.  All my safety nets for this sort of thing crumbled and I couldn't move out of the bedroom to go downstairs and join the group who were chatting away.  The louder they got the more scared I got, the more I was spinning around in my head what to do, could I do the ultimate and get changed, walk downstairs not be seen and vanish?  From the rotating locations of the voices downstairs that was impossible, as we a windown jump, though crazier than anything, it was considered.  I eventually had to take a AD tablet which wasn't what I wanted and that started to have an effect.  Yet it still took time to get me downstairs.  Unlike previous years though (oh god my stomachs is turning just going back over this, what has triggered this and how it's effecting me.), I did decide to go out, and whilst I really enjoyed myself I don't think I was comfortable with myself all night, I guess not knowing many people didn't help and that's something that used to bother me, but never like that.  

However, what's done is done and now for the come down, and the look back to see why I ended up in this situation, what caused the fear the panic and the sheer terror.  I really can't see what it was, maybe as I'd been on tenterhooks during the day for other things, that's had put me on the presapis, I'm not sure, why now though as I write this am I starting to feel bad again, why is this terror and horror returning when I'm sat at home typing this?  What ever struck me is a bit deeper than I thought, and much stronger than anything that's gone before.  Considering I'd gone swimming the other week, that should have been a piece of cake...  I'm almost lost for words about it.  I can't even offer an explanation, which is unusal for me, so I'm going to have to take a serious look at this and explore myself more to seek answers.

Friday, September 02, 2011

A new month, a new year.

Oh so I start this post in a new month with a new interface design in which to write, which looks a bit simpler than the previous version.  So far so good with it, and so on with the show as they say.

I have reasons to write, I've had an intervew recently, however as they said they'd contact me at the start of this week and I've heard nothing my hopes of hearing anything are falling.  I'm not giving up hope, as they told me when I sent the application off that I'd hear by the 25th March if I had an interview or not, but it was only 2 weeks ago that they called and asked me in for the said interview.  The longer though it goes the less likely I'll hear anything and whilst it's a shame, and whilst I'd set my heart on this post when I applied and it was a contributing factor to the horrific months of February through April, where I was very down, I'm not going to let this get to me.

Whilst I've been waiting for the phone call or mail with regards this post I've had little moments where I've questioned myself over it.  I've had small moments where I've felt really down, but I realise that this was always going to be a wing and a prayer, I've no experience, I told them that in the interview, perhaps not the wisest move, but it was an honest move as I don't have any office job experience.  My honesty might work against me, but I don't want to go in and shout my praises and fail badly, I want to be honest, I want to sell myself and make them want to give me a chance.  I gave it my best last week and so I sit and wait, but knowing that I'm probably the least likely to get the post because of the above, I move on.  

Talking of moving on, or should I say moving!  I had an appointment with a doctor over my knees on Wednesday.  I had to laugh after talking about the problems, he asked me to lock my knees back, the bad knee as such cracked so loudly that he winced and another doctor poked her head around the curtains to see if everything was alright.  It was, but it was funny as it doens't normally crack like that.  He ordered some X-Rays, and found some debris in the knee, but nothing that warrents going in and cleaning it up as of yet.  The cruciate is a bit weak, but that he thinks is due to the previous surgery I've had on it.  What he did find though was that my quads aren't supporting my knee as much as they should.  This he feels is why I'm having so many problems with it of late.  So I'm going to get some rehab on them.  

All these issues above and you know what? I'm feeling a bit good, maybe it's because it's September, maybe it's because I'm being positive and am seeing things differently, I don't know but things seem to be OK.  I guess hearing my eyes are fine, that my knee won't need surgery yet etc, is convincing me that the aches and pains that I've been feeling on and off over the summer are nothing more than aches and pains and nothing any more serious than that.  What I do know is that I'm on solid ground at the moment and that's good.  

September will be bringing lots of things this year.  I've got another open water swim session to do, which I'm looking forward to, a wedding, and this year a small matter of a birthday that should be bigger than it is.  I say that as I'm going to be 40 by the time next month starts.  Wow!!!  I guess that I should celebrate as at times over the years I never thought I'd get near being 40.  However, 40 years is a heck of a long time, it sort of makes me feel OLD, I know it's very much middle age, but when I speak to some people that I know, and I see that they are either in the 20's or younger I start to realise just how bloody old I am.  These are people who may well have been born after I'd left school, let alone was still at school.  Age is of course just a number, but sometimes it hits you like a brick shot out of a brick throwing machine.  I'm not alone though, my best friend will be 40 a few days later, and though she loves to remind me I'm the old git of us both, this time next month we'll both be the same age.  Crimes how long does that mean our friendship is?  35+ years I think it is?  All I know is that in Lisa, I've got the greatest friend in the world, I will never find a friend as good as she's been.  Thanks Lisa.