Sunday, September 04, 2011

Panic in the houses of Liverpool

Oh wow, I have to write, but where do I start?  Why after years of being able to walk out where ever I want with whom, did I fall so badly back into a situation full of anxiety and fear?  Why did it have to happen yesterday when it did?

I'm trying to work it out honestly, and methodically, so I can understand the stupidity of it all.  It was stupid, it was crazy, and I don't know what happened.  I'm sure some of my friends will say that it's repeating old habbits and god it was, but I'd got over that, or I thought I had.  

What happened?  Well I got changed to go to a friends wedding, I checked my outfit in the mirror and froze, I don't know why, but I felt awful, I felt I looked awful, I felt I was underdressed and was going to be laughed at etc.  All my safety nets for this sort of thing crumbled and I couldn't move out of the bedroom to go downstairs and join the group who were chatting away.  The louder they got the more scared I got, the more I was spinning around in my head what to do, could I do the ultimate and get changed, walk downstairs not be seen and vanish?  From the rotating locations of the voices downstairs that was impossible, as we a windown jump, though crazier than anything, it was considered.  I eventually had to take a AD tablet which wasn't what I wanted and that started to have an effect.  Yet it still took time to get me downstairs.  Unlike previous years though (oh god my stomachs is turning just going back over this, what has triggered this and how it's effecting me.), I did decide to go out, and whilst I really enjoyed myself I don't think I was comfortable with myself all night, I guess not knowing many people didn't help and that's something that used to bother me, but never like that.  

However, what's done is done and now for the come down, and the look back to see why I ended up in this situation, what caused the fear the panic and the sheer terror.  I really can't see what it was, maybe as I'd been on tenterhooks during the day for other things, that's had put me on the presapis, I'm not sure, why now though as I write this am I starting to feel bad again, why is this terror and horror returning when I'm sat at home typing this?  What ever struck me is a bit deeper than I thought, and much stronger than anything that's gone before.  Considering I'd gone swimming the other week, that should have been a piece of cake...  I'm almost lost for words about it.  I can't even offer an explanation, which is unusal for me, so I'm going to have to take a serious look at this and explore myself more to seek answers.

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