Friday, December 30, 2005

Nearly the End

This could mean a lot of things for myself, but as it happens I'm refering to the impending end of the calendar year.

Lot's of events which have been documented here have taken place, good things, bad things, new things and even the reappearance of old things. It's been a unique year for all of us. 2006 approaches with much hope as well as sadness.

I hope beyond hope that things get better for Lisa, and also in a way for myself. We both deserve a bit more good fortune than we have had this year. For me it's not been as bad as previous years, but it's still bad compared to the majority of people. It's been the same for Lisa, but it's the first time she's really been put through the mill like this and it's taking it's toll on her.

I do however fear that 2006 will see great sadness in my life once more. I have my cousin, though thousands of miles away in Canada who has terminal cancer, and the prognosis isn't good for next year. I haven't seen her for at least 6 years, and I miss her badly. She was the first member of my family either nuclear or extended who showed any sort of interest in me, and would write to me on regular basis when I was a child. I never have managed to say thank you for that, and it pains me to see her die.

It's going to be a tough stretch, but 2006 will come and go in no time what so ever and in 12 months time I shall probably be writing an entry similar to this one. If so then 2006 hasn't been as bad as I expected, but it wouldn't have been a good year. I should point out that this year will be the 5th year since my dad died and also will bring about my neices 10th birthday, but that's 12 months away as it was her birthday yesterday....

That reminds me I don't think I'm in her good books, she was asking for a Nintendo DS from me for her birthday, but I can't afford that. Yet a 9 year old was telling me to put it on my credit card and that if I can't afford the repayments I should phone up some loan company to get them to help me out. I can't believe that she said that. Is that how kids today see the world, credit cards and loan companies? If so the future is going to be full of debt.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Oh Well!

I have said before that I don't like Christmas, it's very depressing. I'm slowly falling into the depression that has consumed me over previous Christmas's, but to be honest I don't know why. I have a theory that it's down to the fact I'm so bored, and so unenthused about everything, not only Christmas but life as a whole that I'm starting to fall deeper into myself.

I've been in similar situations before, and have fallen so far into myself that ending it all has at times seemed the only answer. I know I'll hit that point again at some point in my future, my mental make up is such that it is certain to happen again. The question is why do I go that far?

If I look at the situation right now, and ask myself why am I suddenly breaking down and crying at nothing at all, I can not answer. Why do I feel drained and tired all the time, when I'm doing nothing? I know that over Christmas Eve and Day, my mum had my aunt and her grandson stopping over. I know that I helped her do Christmas for them, and I know for a fact that she left me with my second cousin on Christmas Eve, when I have only ever spoke to him about 5 times previously. So in a way it's been a tough period to get through. I've not given myself any chance to relax and enjoy the break. I'd be happy to go into work and even work for free right now, just to give me something to do. Maybe it's doing nothing or I put too much into something which wasn't brilliant which has caused my present situation. I couldn't tell you. I just don't know why I'm suddenly breaking down.

I'm tired of it all though. I just don't know how much I've got left in the tank to carry on with it all. I've been almost wishing myself to have an accident, or for something nasty to happen to myself, in an attempt to alter the route of my life. It's something that I do when I'm on the downward spiral, and so right now I'm sliding down, without any brakes. When will this stop? Will it stop? Do I want it to stop? I don't think I have an answer for myself on this one. I'm so bored of life and what it means to me right now that I wouldn't mind a bout of serious depression. If it means time off work, so what I've got to get myself back on track.

It's really annoying that I've got to look at this all over again, it never seems to go away. Is it work?, Is it me?, Have I done the right things in life?, how do I know? I'm the one questioning it all, and if I had the answers would I be asking the questions? No that's a simple answer, but it says everything doesn't it.

Is it work? Well I think everyone who has read this on a regular basis would know I've not been happy with work for a number of weeks. I've expressed my reasons for that before, but would that alone make me so unhappy right now? Well no, not really, I'm almost grateful for work right now, as it's something to take my mind off things. That's the problem right now I guess or is it? I mean to sort myself out, I've already suggested that I may need to take time off work. If that is case then I'll do it. I know that I've stated that I'd go in work today for free to give me something to do, but if I'm so unhappy there, why should I do that?

So is it ME? I'm not sure on how to answer this one, if indeed there is an answer to it. I have a record of depression, I have a record of feeling depressed around this time of the year. Why is that? Well of course I've constantly put it down to not being able to enjoy myself because of me not being me. Well that's altered, I've sorted out that problem, but others have an effect on me. When they produce things that make me look back, and when for the 6th year in a row, you get socks and a sweatshirt/hooded top, what sort of suprise are you meant to show. Perhaps it's that, which has set me off? That though is part of me, so I guess it could be that, but I'm grateful for the presents, I don't expect them off anyone, why should I?

Have I made the right choices in life? Yes, I've had to be selfish, but we all have to do that at some point in our lives. I'm happy with the way I've taken my life, it's the right road to follow. Others are not so happy, but what can I do? I mean it is not them that has to live my life, it's me. I'm happy with those choices, but others again are effecting me. I've perhaps got to learn to accept that others are never going to be happy with me. If so, how do I not let it affect me? That is something that I've learnt, but often forget how to let go of. I do feel as if I'm in a corner and that everyone is looking at me. I do feel as if everyone see's me as a joke, and that includes those I work with. I am paranoid that people laugh at me, taunt me without me knowing. Perhaps if I didn't take so much notice of others I'd feel better, but that's never going to happen. I've been taunted since I was a young kid, so I know what is going on, I read the situation so well, but never say anything in fear. I guess that's something to work on.

I really don't know, where this is going right now, but I do know is that I'm fed up of life, if it get's any worse over the next few weeks then I've got to do something serious about it. I don't know what, but any more rejection or any more taunts and that's going to blow me apart. Be warned everyone, the next few days and weeks are going to be delicate for myself. Though something in the distance, I can see the road sign over the bridge, the one which states Suicide is an option.

Monday, December 26, 2005


Well I hope everyone had a nice Christmas Day, and that no one got too drunk or injured themselves in any way, shape or form. I for one didn't of course.

Did everyone get what they wanted for Christmas? I know for a fact that I got what I now see as part of tradition. For what seems like years now, I always get socks and either a hooded sweatshirt or just a sweatshirt. It's not about the getting presents at Christmas, but every now and again I'd like something a little different. It's so predictable, everyone knows what I'll be getting. Still at least I can get rid of some of the existing wardrobe prior to Christmas in the knowledge that I'll be replacing them for sure.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Xmas

Merry Xmas everyone, I hope those who are online today and wish to see if I've posted anything new have a happy holiday and don't get up to too much mischeif.

Celebrate in any way you wish, but just remember Xmas isn't just for the kids.......

Friday, December 23, 2005

Poor, Very Poor!!!

I'm oh so sorry for not adding to this blog over the past 9 days or so. I'd honestly hadn't realised that it had been so long since I posted. Still I'm alive and well for that matter and I've not done anything silly yet. I've thought about it, but not in a serious way if I'm honest.

So what has gone on? Well last Friday I went out with a former colleague of mine and yes we had a few drinks. We were in the fabled gay village in Manchester, where we started off with 3 pints of beer, before leaving that bar and moving onto another and another set of drinks. WKD's and Vodka and Oragnes........ That was fine, till we both decided that after 4 in an hour we better change to something less easy to drink... Vodka and red bull??? Horrible taste, how she could drink that I don't know. Mind you it went down just as quick as my JD and Coke. Oh throw in a aftershock and you can imagine the state that one of us were in, the other remembers what she said and helping her friend to get home. I'm glad I'm the later.

It's been a good week for United in that we won all our games with ease and look like we are a team once more. I've been critical on here of them and everything about the club this year. I stand by that, but serve notice that credit is due for the recent up turn in performance.

I've got my Christmas shopping all but done, I need to get my mum something for under the tree, which I'll probably do today, as I want to go and do some shopping for me as well. I'll head up to the hockey shop and get myself some hockey related presents and then get my mum a book for Christmas. I know that's what I'm intending doing when I can, but this is a different book.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Final Countdown

Well after taking a deep breath and taking stock of what had gone on last week, I'm still around and still in employment, but I don't know for how long. It's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain my sanity. It's not the job which is causing the problem, I can do it with my hands tied behind my back. That's my confidence back by the way folks!!!

I think it's down to me being able to relax or that I'm quite stressed out at the moment. I'm aware that it's Christmas and that I normally get worked up at this point in the year. It's a horrible time, it's lonely, it's depressing, it's false and so forced. When you are prone to depressions and Christmas arrives it's a time of dred. So that with the odd problem at work more so with the group doesn't help. The group has run quite well with limited numbers of late and I hope that it continues to do the same. Once we settle down in January, we may attempt to take them out again. It's something that I feel strongly about with this group.

Anyway, back to the point. With me not relaxing, I'm not being myself and old habits are returning, such as last week's problem. Yesterday at the Christmas meal, I remained on the sidelines for the first 10 to 15 minutes so that everyone could find where they wanted to sit. I wanted everyone to be sat with there friends before imposing myself upon anyone or any group. This upset some people, but this had to be done, on two counts. All the corners had gone, so there was no where to hide for me, and I also wanted everyone to be happy, I wasn't too concerned about myself as I know what sort of mood I'm in. There I go again, placing others ahead of me! It's not really what I should be doing is it, and it doesn't help my confidence when I come to examine it at a later date.

I went to the doctors yesterday morning with regards my thumb, and she asked how I was doing. I lied to her, but I think she could spot that I was down and unhappy. If I had pleaded my case, I could and perhaps should have got a prescription of anti depressants. Then again, I may at some point soon have to go back to my doctor and ask her to write me a sick note for stress and depression. I'm sure that would get the tongues wagging not only at work, but at school also. I don't want to do this, but if I have too I will. I have to be comfortable in work, I can't be stressed as all the bad things happen when I'm stressed and that only leads to conflict.

I honestly don't think anyone at work realises the hell that I'm going through and it's only me that knows it. I want to talk to someone, but no one will listen, no one will understand and right now, I fear I've ailenated the only people that I could talk too by being me. It's scares me, it really does. Instead of people feeling for me, for having to work with Lisa in the new year, I'm sure it's been reversed right now. I'm looking for other jobs, but can't seem to see anything at the moment.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Deep Breath

How to control one's situation, sit down and take a deep breath. Now that has been done and I've gone into work and no comments have been made, I can settle down to working out my head. I was a little scared going in to face the team, but I don't think they realise the demons within me. This isn't them that this was about, this was me. It is always me in this situation, I always see things against me.

So as it happens yesterday was really kewl. I overheard Kirsty mentioning that she really enjoyed her presents, as they were cute, funny and nice, while some of the other presents were to say the least odd. Size doesn't always matter does it....

Now the rest of the team are off to Blackpool this weekend, and I'm left behind doing some work for the project later today and all day tomorrow. I'm happy doing that as it will give me time in the office today on my own and to do a few things that I need to do. I might also get to see Joanne, my line manager today. I tried all afternoon yesterday, but got no where. So this time I shall get to see her. I need to try and arrange something for next week. I also need to pull out of the volunteers meal on Friday as I'm now going out with Liz, who used to work at Barnardo's with me. That should be fun as we've not seen each other for a while and things have certainly changed a bit since then.

I feel a lot calmer today than I have done of late, perhaps and this is just a rough guess here, Wednesday was the blow out needed to rid myself of any demons, stresses and what ever else was on my back. It may have been shown in that respect, instead of me getting down and taking it out on myself. I'd rather have this situation rather than me hurting myself, but let's see hey? Life is never straight forward for anyone, and when it comes to myself it tends to be even more crooked than normal. Of course there is no thing as normal as I keep writing, but it's just a phrase that most people understand.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


May I say sorry to anyone to whom has the unpleasant pleasure of talking to me today and for the next couple of days at the least. With the incident yesterday and me constantly reviewing that, I realise that I'm very antagonistic. It isn't your fault it's mine and I'm sorry in advance of or in one situation sorry for being in such a mood.

Please be patient, this is a troublesome period for me right now. Not that Christmas isn't normally a problem part of the year, but this doesn't bode well for 2005.

Why Me?

After yesterday's incident, I've got to look at myself and ask where did it come from and why? I can't not look at it as all that will do is increase the problem, this is something that needs confronting.

I know that I'll get asked questions in work today over it, and they have every right to do so, but how can I answer them? If I tell them the truth, how mad will that sound? It will make me look like someone they should be working with and not a colleague. It's really difficult to say that as I'm shy and self conscious that I don't like upsetting the apple cart. Everyone was having fun, and I didn't want to stop any one from having fun, had anyone moved away from any conversations to fit me in, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. So I stayed out, but when everyone was demanding I go in, it made me feel worse and then my nerves got the better of me and eventually made me sick.

That's a repeat of yesterday I know, but it's leading some where don't worry. So why don't I like disturbing anyone? I'm shy, I've always been shy, is it because of who I am? It could well be, I don't fit in, I'm the square trying to fit into a circle? That plays a huge part of it I guess, but that's something that I've been used too for the whole of my life. I thought that part of my life was over with anyway, obvioulsy not. How did I beat it last time? I think I accepted who I am, but that isn't an issue here? This is different, is it because I don't feel part of the team? I don't know it's something I've not experienced for 15 or so years. I know a couple of years back I couldn't go to the wake of a colleagues husband, but that was different, there were people in there I didn't like. So why is that different to this?

Do I like everyone I work with? Well to a point yes, I've got too. Some of them may not be friends, well if I'm honest on my own scales non of them are friends. Most of them are mates, but a few are little more than colleagues. I get on with them, but for some reason yesterday that failed and I ended up in the situation I did. How can I over come this? Well I think I have, but not fitting into the team doesn't help and maybe this is just further proof to my own arguement. The problem is who am I arguing with?? I'm arguing with ME, and who's going to win? Well it isn't going to be me, as I tend to end up hurting myself sooner rather than later. I hate this I really hate this. I didn't need this to happen now. I could happily write out my letter of resignation right now and go and hand it in. I know I'd have to work out my notice, but to be honest I don't care.

The problem with that solution is that I've no job lined up, and of course that would hurt me more than anyone else. I know that I wouldn't find another job soon, and that would send me falling further into depression. This though isn't depression, this isn't that I know that. This is something deep inside me that isn't about being down. I'm not down, I know I'm not, which makes yesterday events even more bizare in that respect. Barnardo's would happily accept my resignation and find someone better and with less issues than myself to take over my role.

Here lies another problem. That last statement, is something that I have to look at as well. Why am I constanly belittling myself? What is wrong with me? I know that I'm good at what I do, that isn't an issue, though it has of late I suppose. That though is being worked through with success. So why the sudden down turn in self confidence? I don't really know? I can accept some of the stuff thrown at me by my line manager last week, though she may think she know's best for me, when in fact she doesn't. I'm the only one who knows where I'm up to in terms of mental stability. I do however need to sort this out. I shouldn't be so down on myself. I really felt good the other week, more so after getting my hair cut. I guess it worked and helped improve my own self image, but where has that boost gone? I wish I knew as I'm possibly near a all time low.

I need a confidence boost, but that isn't going to happen. I don't know what would be sufficient to boost me that which is normal for the general public. I know that most people call themselves, but not to the extent I do so. It's a bad state of affairs when you are happy for injuries that may scar you. Nothing has done so of late, but if it meant someone else not being disfigured I'd take that scar, as it would only add to the ugly marks in my eyes. I can't stand up in front of a group of people and talk, that's just beyond me. I hate sitting anywhere other than in corners when in meetings, as it means everyone can see me. I just don't wish to thrust myself onto others, it's not fair on them. The odd thing is that I love being the centre of attention when I'm in a group of people I know. In fact most people will tell you that I'm a liar when I say I'm shy, as I'm so confident and alive. It's split personalities perhaps I don't really know.

I wish I could pinpoint it, as I'd be able to be "normal" though of course what is normal for me, wouldn't be normal for you or anyone else. It would be generally percieved as normal by all. Is that what I'm looking for?? I don't know, as why would I want to be the same as everyone else?? Well I've spent most of my life trying to fit into a hole that I didn't belong in. Now I'm in the right area, what happens?? Old habits of years gone by reappear!! This is like torture, and I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I've worked hard all my life, done things that others wouldn't have contemplated, just to be who I am, and yet here I am dragging myself back to the hole that I crawled out of years ago. What is it inside me or what external force is pushing me back? Do I not deserve to be able to live a reasonable existence? I am after all just another human.

Now that I've written all of this, I'll probably spend the rest of the day trying to examine what I wrote and if I should have written anything different, or if I should have added anything else. At the end of the day though I'm still not really any closer to being able to explain why yesterday happened. It's just come out of the cupboard and hit me. It wasn't planned or expected and that's not good.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Demon Returns

A really old demon of old has just returned to haunt me. I will keep this brief and sharp. At the Christmas meeting for my team, I sat through one part of it, but went to do a couple of things at a short break. On trying to return I saw them handing out the secret santa presents, and everyone having fun... I couldn't go in. I physically couldn't go back into the room. I was nervous, scared, self conscious. I've not been like that for years, but I do know that by staying away from the room it caused a fuss.

People came looking for me, and were shouting for me to return. The more they did though, the more I couldn't and it got to the point where I was physically sick through nerves. I've not been this bad for ages. This is why I'm writing I guess, is to try and get rid of the demon once more?

So why couldn't I go back in? Well they were having fun, which I didn't want to spoil. I know I can't prove that me going back in would do so, but I always think that way. I tried 3 or 4 times to go back, but I couldn't they were all laughing and knowing that people were aware of me not being there meant that a fuss wouldn't have been made had I gone back. I didn't want that either. I've got to try and understand this. It has certainly shed light on the fact that I'm still introvertly shy, and I doubt I'll ever get away from it. I honestly felt that I'd got over this...

Little Miss nice

I'm trying to get back into a post a day or at least a post every couple of days after the week I had off. I know it was lazy of me and I know that it has thrown me out of kilter to be honest, in that my mind isn't working as quickly in terms of being able to blog. So if this is difficult to read or is more open and brutal than normal I'm sorry, but normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Well yesterday wasn't so bad, we had two children missing from the group again and though it wasn't as good as last week, it was certainly better than some of the previous weeks. I think the corner may have been turned I don't know, but it's certainly calmer with only 6 children. I have to hope that after Christmas that the group remains at 7 and that possibly 1 of those might drop out or change to a 1-1.

I managed to get the secret santa presents yesterday, I really wanted to spend more on the present than I did, but it would have been obvious and of course just getting a few small odd things rather than one big thing helped. I know it's not exactly something I'm good at, buying blindly. I think I may just buy odd bits over the next year with consideration for something like this. As for work, I've also agreed to work on Saturday to allow someone to go on the Christmas do, and thus leaving myself as the only person not going to Blackpool. This is how I wanted it, let them all make fun of me behind my back, rather than in front of it. It's they way I prefer it. I don't want to stop them having fun.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

What a beautiful sight!

562 days of waiting or 18 months of agony and last night it happened. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer made his comeback for Manchester United reserve team last night. Oh it was so good to see him in a red shirt once more. He may never recapture the form or even his place in the first team, but to know he's available for selection is like being given the greatest Christmas and birthday present rolled into one. This guy is a legend and goes down in the course of history as being the guy that put the ball in the German's net, on that barmy night in Barca in 99.

Well we heard he would be playing at least some point during the game last night, towards the end of last week. So after finishing work I headed off to Hyde, where the reserve team are playing there fixtures this year. It's the first time in years that I'd been to the reserves, and it was a bit of a shock to the system to be honest. I don't know why, perhaps on previous occasions it was injured players returning and also those players who would now be squad players playing. This time it was essentially the junior teams, the 18 - 21 year olds.

To be honest the game wasn't the greatest and for the record United lost 0-2 to Liverpool reserves, which hurt as badly as if the first team were playing. A huge crowd for the reserves though turned up for Ole. I think they said it was 2738, when the average is probably less than 1000. I enjoyed myself and I can say I was there that he made his comeback. In fact I may start to go watch the reserves on a more regular basis from now one.

Apart from that, what else yesterday? Well I got into work and tried to sort out my group for today, but things kept happening, in terms of children being added, when in a way I didn't want them to be, but I can't do anything. On a scary note, it's MY final group day today as I've got a hospital appointment next week. I'm so happy in that respect. Still tonight will be a success, and I won't let anything get me down. I've got idea's on how to combat the problems that may beset the group, and I just hope we can impliment the plans, without to many complaints.

My arms are still very sore, and I've still got no real idea as to why, I'll have to get to the doctors and ask her for an opinion. I'll also have to apologise as well, I know she's received a letter from Leeds, which is factually incorrect, but it slights her, and I'm not too happy. I know what was said and it certainly isn't what is down in the letter.

Monday, December 05, 2005


I've been lazy over the past week. I've looked at the tabs to lead me here to write a new entry and I've kept telling myself that I'll do it later or in the morning and never got round to it. I can only blame myself.

The past week has gone so fast that I can't beleive that it's already the second week in December. I guess though that it's near Christmas as on Saturday I encountered two modern day traditions of Christmas. One was going shopping in the morning and all I could hear from every shop was Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody" and then later in the day, I saw the Coca Cola, Holidays are coming advert. You know it's Christmas for sure when you see and hear them two things alone.

So here we are in the final months of 2005 and what a year, I'll try and recap as many things as I can over the next month. I dare say it will be interesting for me as much as it will be for those regular readers..