Final Countdown

Well after taking a deep breath and taking stock of what had gone on last week, I'm still around and still in employment, but I don't know for how long. It's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain my sanity. It's not the job which is causing the problem, I can do it with my hands tied behind my back. That's my confidence back by the way folks!!!

I think it's down to me being able to relax or that I'm quite stressed out at the moment. I'm aware that it's Christmas and that I normally get worked up at this point in the year. It's a horrible time, it's lonely, it's depressing, it's false and so forced. When you are prone to depressions and Christmas arrives it's a time of dred. So that with the odd problem at work more so with the group doesn't help. The group has run quite well with limited numbers of late and I hope that it continues to do the same. Once we settle down in January, we may attempt to take them out again. It's something that I feel strongly about with this group.

Anyway, back to the point. With me not relaxing, I'm not being myself and old habits are returning, such as last week's problem. Yesterday at the Christmas meal, I remained on the sidelines for the first 10 to 15 minutes so that everyone could find where they wanted to sit. I wanted everyone to be sat with there friends before imposing myself upon anyone or any group. This upset some people, but this had to be done, on two counts. All the corners had gone, so there was no where to hide for me, and I also wanted everyone to be happy, I wasn't too concerned about myself as I know what sort of mood I'm in. There I go again, placing others ahead of me! It's not really what I should be doing is it, and it doesn't help my confidence when I come to examine it at a later date.

I went to the doctors yesterday morning with regards my thumb, and she asked how I was doing. I lied to her, but I think she could spot that I was down and unhappy. If I had pleaded my case, I could and perhaps should have got a prescription of anti depressants. Then again, I may at some point soon have to go back to my doctor and ask her to write me a sick note for stress and depression. I'm sure that would get the tongues wagging not only at work, but at school also. I don't want to do this, but if I have too I will. I have to be comfortable in work, I can't be stressed as all the bad things happen when I'm stressed and that only leads to conflict.

I honestly don't think anyone at work realises the hell that I'm going through and it's only me that knows it. I want to talk to someone, but no one will listen, no one will understand and right now, I fear I've ailenated the only people that I could talk too by being me. It's scares me, it really does. Instead of people feeling for me, for having to work with Lisa in the new year, I'm sure it's been reversed right now. I'm looking for other jobs, but can't seem to see anything at the moment.