After yesterday's incident, I've got to look at myself and ask where did it come from and why? I can't not look at it as all that will do is increase the problem, this is something that needs confronting.
I know that I'll get asked questions in work today over it, and they have every right to do so, but how can I answer them? If I tell them the truth, how mad will that sound? It will make me look like someone they should be working with and not a colleague. It's really difficult to say that as I'm shy and self conscious that I don't like upsetting the apple cart. Everyone was having fun, and I didn't want to stop any one from having fun, had anyone moved away from any conversations to fit me in, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. So I stayed out, but when everyone was demanding I go in, it made me feel worse and then my nerves got the better of me and eventually made me sick.
That's a repeat of yesterday I know, but it's leading some where don't worry. So why don't I like disturbing anyone? I'm shy, I've always been shy, is it because of who I am? It could well be, I don't fit in, I'm the square trying to fit into a circle? That plays a huge part of it I guess, but that's something that I've been used too for the whole of my life. I thought that part of my life was over with anyway, obvioulsy not. How did I beat it last time? I think I accepted who I am, but that isn't an issue here? This is different, is it because I don't feel part of the team? I don't know it's something I've not experienced for 15 or so years. I know a couple of years back I couldn't go to the wake of a colleagues husband, but that was different, there were people in there I didn't like. So why is that different to this?
Do I like everyone I work with? Well to a point yes, I've got too. Some of them may not be friends, well if I'm honest on my own scales non of them are friends. Most of them are mates, but a few are little more than colleagues. I get on with them, but for some reason yesterday that failed and I ended up in the situation I did. How can I over come this? Well I think I have, but not fitting into the team doesn't help and maybe this is just further proof to my own arguement. The problem is who am I arguing with?? I'm arguing with ME, and who's going to win? Well it isn't going to be me, as I tend to end up hurting myself sooner rather than later. I hate this I really hate this. I didn't need this to happen now. I could happily write out my letter of resignation right now and go and hand it in. I know I'd have to work out my notice, but to be honest I don't care.
The problem with that solution is that I've no job lined up, and of course that would hurt me more than anyone else. I know that I wouldn't find another job soon, and that would send me falling further into depression. This though isn't depression, this isn't that I know that. This is something deep inside me that isn't about being down. I'm not down, I know I'm not, which makes yesterday events even more bizare in that respect. Barnardo's would happily accept my resignation and find someone better and with less issues than myself to take over my role.
Here lies another problem. That last statement, is something that I have to look at as well. Why am I constanly belittling myself? What is wrong with me? I know that I'm good at what I do, that isn't an issue, though it has of late I suppose. That though is being worked through with success. So why the sudden down turn in self confidence? I don't really know? I can accept some of the stuff thrown at me by my line manager last week, though she may think she know's best for me, when in fact she doesn't. I'm the only one who knows where I'm up to in terms of mental stability. I do however need to sort this out. I shouldn't be so down on myself. I really felt good the other week, more so after getting my hair cut. I guess it worked and helped improve my own self image, but where has that boost gone? I wish I knew as I'm possibly near a all time low.
I need a confidence boost, but that isn't going to happen. I don't know what would be sufficient to boost me that which is normal for the general public. I know that most people call themselves, but not to the extent I do so. It's a bad state of affairs when you are happy for injuries that may scar you. Nothing has done so of late, but if it meant someone else not being disfigured I'd take that scar, as it would only add to the ugly marks in my eyes. I can't stand up in front of a group of people and talk, that's just beyond me. I hate sitting anywhere other than in corners when in meetings, as it means everyone can see me. I just don't wish to thrust myself onto others, it's not fair on them. The odd thing is that I love being the centre of attention when I'm in a group of people I know. In fact most people will tell you that I'm a liar when I say I'm shy, as I'm so confident and alive. It's split personalities perhaps I don't really know.
I wish I could pinpoint it, as I'd be able to be "normal" though of course what is normal for me, wouldn't be normal for you or anyone else. It would be generally percieved as normal by all. Is that what I'm looking for?? I don't know, as why would I want to be the same as everyone else?? Well I've spent most of my life trying to fit into a hole that I didn't belong in. Now I'm in the right area, what happens?? Old habits of years gone by reappear!! This is like torture, and I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I've worked hard all my life, done things that others wouldn't have contemplated, just to be who I am, and yet here I am dragging myself back to the hole that I crawled out of years ago. What is it inside me or what external force is pushing me back? Do I not deserve to be able to live a reasonable existence? I am after all just another human.
Now that I've written all of this, I'll probably spend the rest of the day trying to examine what I wrote and if I should have written anything different, or if I should have added anything else. At the end of the day though I'm still not really any closer to being able to explain why yesterday happened. It's just come out of the cupboard and hit me. It wasn't planned or expected and that's not good.