Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Demon Returns

A really old demon of old has just returned to haunt me. I will keep this brief and sharp. At the Christmas meeting for my team, I sat through one part of it, but went to do a couple of things at a short break. On trying to return I saw them handing out the secret santa presents, and everyone having fun... I couldn't go in. I physically couldn't go back into the room. I was nervous, scared, self conscious. I've not been like that for years, but I do know that by staying away from the room it caused a fuss.

People came looking for me, and were shouting for me to return. The more they did though, the more I couldn't and it got to the point where I was physically sick through nerves. I've not been this bad for ages. This is why I'm writing I guess, is to try and get rid of the demon once more?

So why couldn't I go back in? Well they were having fun, which I didn't want to spoil. I know I can't prove that me going back in would do so, but I always think that way. I tried 3 or 4 times to go back, but I couldn't they were all laughing and knowing that people were aware of me not being there meant that a fuss wouldn't have been made had I gone back. I didn't want that either. I've got to try and understand this. It has certainly shed light on the fact that I'm still introvertly shy, and I doubt I'll ever get away from it. I honestly felt that I'd got over this...

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