Kidding Myself

Silly games, youtube and something to drink have helped dampen the mind, it's not the greatest cocktail, but it will do.  As I write this though I remember that I don't have a counseling session this coming week.  So this finding of quick sand I find myself in today will have to stick with me for the next couple of weeks.  Hardly the greatest situation I know, but what else can I do.  I want to talk about this rather than writing, but I don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't want to burden my issues upon others and that's such a sad situation to be in.  That though is how I am and I see it as being fair to others.  

If I'm fair to myself, and often I'm not.  Far to often I think I try to kid myself into thinking things, and allowing that to happen.  So lets try and be fair, my life is crap, I'm old, I'm going no where, I'm no good at anything and don't know know what to do if I didn't do what I do.  I'm too negative to even consider going to for jobs as I don't think I'm good enough to get them, I don't think I'm good enough to further my career and I push people away with ease without actually knowing I do it.  I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but you know what the more I think about it the more I question that, the more I question any notions I have of myself.  

Yet in the midst of all the above feelings, I'm not prepared to do anything silly, well ultimately silly.  I may do silly stuff that puts myself at risk, but that would mean doing something and to be honest I can't be bothered to do anything. 

Errossion

 So a flurry of posts today, not even in the midst of the breakdown earlier this summer or the recent meltdown due to work have I posted as much on a single day like today for a number of years.  I just need to keep posting or writing to try and rid my mind of all the crap that is swirling around in it and hopefully allow it to settle on the page rather than in my mind.  

With so much hatred abound right now, and whilst so little is aimed at me personally, I do feel it however, my community is being attacked and has been for some time.  I don't raise my head to often, but would rather support others that do, and assist others that want to do so..  Remember that post recently about me holding ladders!!!  

It does though get me down, I allow the attacks to sting, the old phrase about death by a thousand paper cuts is never truer than now.  I wish I could shut that off, but I can't, because it's part of my job not to, I need to be aware of what's going on and being said so I can shed an informed light it for others and to enable them to be able to get through this attack unharmed and in a position to carry the torch once those doing so now can not.  

The attacks are tiresome, boring and continuous and that is what wears one down. Big hurtful individual attacks are painful for those that they are directed at, however for myself the attacks just keep coming, they keep coming and coming like waves onto the beach.  They are eroding ones strength and abilities to counter them, for those further up the beach than myself they must feel like King Canute trying to control the tide.  

Don't get me wrong here, as tiring as it is, I and everyone else will not let the those attacking us win, we will continue to fight for ourselves and those who can't.  We will not allow bigotry or hatred win, otherwise once we fall, others will be in the line of fire and so we can't allow them to win and though when we win, apart from within the community, none of those that have led this fight/defence will get much credit, as others won't see what we will have prevented.

Let Down

 I only finished the previous entry less than an hour or so ago I think, I'm not checking.  I'm back however as I sense myself feeling as if I've let people down, I feel that I've certainly let at least one person down.  I didn't want to do that and I feel guilty about it.  I shouldn't of course, because I know they'll tell me I haven't but as with my last entry will I accept that?  No of course not.  

My mind is whirring at the moment, so many what if's, why didn't I do, why didn't I say.  I should let it go the decision has been made and I should move on, but me being me I'm letting it consume me once more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go full on down the rabbit hole on this I am aware of things and I know that I've given myself some time to think, though I am considering that once more.  I need to make a closure on this and move on, but how do I do that?  One of the reasons why I'm in the mess I'm in is because of a stupid form that work asked me to fill out.  It broke me during the lock down, and whilst I don't think it was to blame it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.  Mention of that in the meeting may have triggered me for sure, as I thought I'd seen and heard the last of it for ever and a day, but obviously not.

The situation with my mental health is a factor in why I'm not able to make a closure I'm focusing on the micro details rather than the wider picture.  Do I need time off to recover?  Maybe, but that I fear would make me worse, one of the things that lock down did was crush me through lack of contact with anyone, being on the sick will double down on that situation and would send me over the edge for sure.  I don't want to go into that situation again.  I'm also conscious about the fact I've had so much time off due to my surgery last year that my sick pay situation would be difficult for me and of course the amount of time off then counts against me.  

Here is a classic example of me being me, not allowing anything to go, not able to close things off and allow myself to disengage.  I'm also thinking the worse about what comes next, I can't think of this as a positive and you know what I hate myself for that, I should see this as a positive, I should see this as something new, but I'm not and I'm worried that for all I talked about giving myself a chance in the previous entry that I won't give myself a chance.  I'm already narrowing my chances and once more sabotaging myself   This is horrible and something I need to stop, but saying it and doing it are different things.  

I'm going to have to find something to do to distract me for tonight and possibly the weekend to try and calm myself now...

Six Months

 And so things have moved, a meeting has been had and a new start........

I crashed after the last post I was in despair my job seemed beyond redemption and resignation was my only option.  However, since that time wheels have moved and so have I.  I continued to rewrite my resignation letter up till last week.  Since then I've not looked at it, I had two weeks off and some time to think or not think about work as was the case for lots of the time.  I knew I had to leave it alone for a while to clear my head, to give me some room to think about other things and to calm myself down.  It wasn't easy and I don't think I did it well enough to be honest, but I did it enough to have a quiet break and ultra quiet birthday.  The usual suspects sent me cards and birthday wishes, which was nice of them but other than that nothing from my sister I should add, not that I expected anything to be honest.  I spoke with the counselor that I'm seeing about everything, which was good.  Though doing that over what's app is very odd and I don't know if it's the best method to be truthful.  I have to admit that I say things that I, but my facial expressions will tell you the truth and what's app isn't the best tool to see how I'm feeling or if I'm doing what I do best and tell bits of where I'm at, which is enough of a concern but that bit is probably only 5 to 10% of where I'm at.  

Since returning to work I've tried not to think about the situation, but knew I had to as obviously things couldn't go on as they were.  A meeting had to be had and to be honest it wasn't comfortable, I didn't feel totally at ease, what made it worse was the connection at my end of the meeting was a bad, that's the first time that's happened and so that frustrated me somewhat.  Did I convey where I was at in the meeting?  I thought I did, but I don't think it got through, and the responses were almost what I expected.  I was prepared to do as asked, but then things got questioned and ideas flung at me.  A new solution to the problem and so here I am with this new solution.  I'm unsure on how I feel about this if I'm honest with myself.  I feel I'm running away, which goes against my nature, but I've got little fight left in me and so I'm going to have to accept it.  

With that in mind though, I'm going to try and find where I am at with myself in work.  I need to see where my level is right now.  I then need to set myself a target of where I want to be or more so where I expect to be in six months time.  I need to see an improvement in my performance and satisfaction or else the resignation will go in.  I don't care if that is the ultimate running away, I acknowledge I'm on the last chance saloon for myself.  I've got to be realistic and give myself a chance.  I have to set the level I want to reach at a reasonable level, not go over the top, but also set it higher than one or two steps above.  

One other thing that I'm going to have to do is explore why I'm so resistant to positivity to me.  I'm not sure why I can't take praise from anyone?  Why I put myself down so much and so harshly.  I want to think it's always been that way, but it hasn't.  I need to know why I don't believe any praise I get?  Have I got to high standards?  I would hope I have, but that shouldn't prevent me from taking praise even if I haven't reached the standards that I would like.  Where has this acceptance of negativity come from?  Has it come from so many others constantly being negative towards me, seriously or even just jokingly that that has become the norm?  I just don't accept that I do anything well anymore, I used to think I was good at my job, I used to think I was a good person, I never thought I was pretty or nice, but now I probably put myself down even harder on that level more than ever.  Even in the past two days I've slapped myself in conversation when someone has been fractionally nice to me on one occasion and in a totally off the cuff manor.  

Possibly the more I have struggled the more I have allowed myself to be negative with myself, why should I be positive about me if I am not doing well?  Praise of any nature seems fake when it's aimed at me, I'm almost OK with being the dirt on the bottom of the shoe, or should I rephrase that and say that by being in that position means the expectations on me are less then and perhaps then I am trying to establish a false norm for myself one of a poor worker, one who you can't rely on.  Is that part of me trying to sabotage myself?  I know I have been trying to sabotage myself in work, that's almost my instinctive reaction to the situation I was in as I couldn't care less about my position.  I knew that was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.  

Moving on I've got to some how jump start myself, I've got reignite my passion, my hopes for the future, perhaps those are the targets that I have to reach, the point where they have a heart beat once more as right now they are lying motionless on the floor without a heart beat.  They are close to death, but I'm giving myself six months to bring them back to life, or else I had in my notice, and then have to look in the mirror and ask myself what am I good at?  I don't think anyone that I know has ever given me a suggestion of another career that I may be good at or that I'd like, I don't know what I'm actually good for other than what I do, so let's wait and see where things go....

Finite

 So it seems the decision is finite I am now just doing admin for the one of the youth work sessions I'm involved in.  I no longer am expected to work as a youth worker for this area which I guess is a huge statement from the manager.  I'm so pissed off by this that I'm plotting my own downfall now, I'm not holding back, I'm openly looking for a new job and whilst I don't like this I'm already prepared to completely leave the youth service right now as now I don't see anyone who can help me in this situation and the amount of anger, frustration and hurt is to imense to carry on even volunteering with the LBGTQ+ groups which I absolutely love working with.  

 

I am writing this in tears, and realising that I've got about 15 minutes to write this and to sort myself out before I've got an online session to work.  I'll compose myself just about, but I'm not sure we'll get anyone as no one has responded to my messages to attend this session and so it might just be myself and a colleague.  I would then be able to switch off quite early and really wallow in my own misery.  I feel sorry for the cousellor that I'm seeing in the morning as I'm way off the scale from where I was last week.  The last two weeks has seen me go from bad to OK, down to fucking miserable and at the point where I'm writing this.  I've also got my GP calling tomorrow over my anti depressants, I asked for a repeat prescription and the surgery called and said I needed a review, so I've ran out of them yesterday.  I was hoping to pick them up today.  

Admin work is something I can do, it's not something I enjoy, it's not something I want to do on a long term basis it drives me crackers.  I hate the tedium of it all, but hey if that's what they want me to do then that's all I'll do.  I won't do anything else what so ever if I'm still in a the job when we return to working in a youth centre.  I'd set a plan for this Friday, which as with all my plans has been blown up in the very first moment, it's unbelievable how many times I plan things and they never work out.  I keep saying I won't plan anything and do and it then fails.  My life is a failure...

Further Away than Ever

 I thought things couldn't get any worse with work, how wrong could I be???  I'm now further away than ever from doing what I want to do, and being able to further myself professionally.  All I want to do is the job I was employed to do, but that now seems like it's a pipe dream I guess my title should change as should my title.  I doubt it ever will, but you there's more chance of that happening than me getting back to where I was.  

Something though has taken place, I have recognised a correlation between how unhappy I am in work to how unhappy I am in life.  The further away from doing what I enjoy the most the more unhappy I become.  The fact that work is something that I enjoy doing means that the further that goes beyond the horizon the darker the hole that I'm in becomes.  To be told last week that I'm essentially becoming a glorified admin worker once more is sending me over the edge once again.  I just don't feel that the team manager supports me, they don't like me and thus I'm the piece of shit that they step on, the thing they can play with like a lion with it's prey and essentially not move forward in my career.  I've become once again the person who'll willing help everyone but themselves, the person that holds the ladders to allow others to climb up the career path further than me.  

This is a position I've been in before, at other points in my life I've happily allowed this to happen as I've been comfortable with this and been happy with what I've been doing.  However, now that I see things repeating and being unhappy with work it's not something I'm happy about.  I know I'm not the best, I know I'm not going to progress, but to not even feel the support to aid you to get to that point is desperate.  I've got leave coming up, and that two weeks should have been about resting and trying to relax and enjoy myself, to enjoy the fact that I've a birthday in that break, however it's going to be spent miserable, depressed and contemplating my future.  I'm not looking forward to the break any more.  

What can I do to change things?  I'm not sure to be honest.  I've tried so many different things of late to change my mood to change what's going on in work, but nothing has altered this.  

 

At this point I should point out that some aspects of work is fine and I have no issues with it, but and it's a huge but, that part of work doesn't involve the work "team" or that's "team's" manager.  Everything connected to the team is causing so much aghast right now that it's painful.  I am struggling with this both mentally and emotionally and don't have anyone to talk to about it, I'm speaking to a councilor but we've hardly had chance to discuss this and it's awfully difficult to do so using What's App, which I am finding I hate more and more.  I want to get rid of the darn thing, but I'm in so many groups that it's really hard to do so.  I could exit the groups I guess, but I'm sure that that may be frowned upon.  I don't care to be honest.

 

More and more I'm disengaging with the "team" and can see the end game coming and I find myself trying to think of ways of advancing it closer.  It's no way to be thinking is it, but it's what I'm doing.  I guess it's a form of self harm, without actually physically attacking myself.  I've not resorted back to doing that yet, but I have felt my mood slip to points where in the past I have considered that and have gone through with that.  I'm slightly better off right now, but not much better if I'm being truthful.    

Bemused

 I posted earlier today about the fact of how frustrated I'm becoming, I went out shopping and decided to post in Facebook, and to do a cryptic post, the problem is that I was a tried to be positive in the post though I'm not feeling at all positive and though the message is clear in what I've written, people think I'm in a good place because of the positivity.  It's a falsehood, it's bemused me to say the least, but at least I've got away this time with my clues to my mood on facebook.  If I continue to post as I did today, I wonder when someone will cotton on to what I'm saying...

Frustration kicking back in

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote in here, but I need to come back.  I can feel me dropping from where I had climbed to.  I need to do something to change my mood and to be proactive in that rather than letting things stagnate and cause problems. 

I guess it's the little things that once again consume me and bring me crashing down.  Again it's little things in work that are the issue.  I want to work, but the fact that I'm not able to is upsetting me, the fact that it seems I'm being shunted around once more is even worse.  History is repeating itself and I don't know what I can do to change it.  I just want to throw both the jobs I have back to the management and say take it away, they are causing to much damage than they are good.  More so my main employment whom are really pushing the boat out. 

I'm going to be honest, I like working in a team, I like to be part of a team, but the team that I've been put in doesn't seem to be a team at all or if it is, they've pushed me right out of the team and I'm no longer part of it.  It's as if I'm some spare part they've got no idea what to do with, they don't want to try and help me and so I'm being shunted out.  Maybe it's my age, maybe it's who I am, I really don't know but right now I don't feel any affinity to that group, nor to the management, which is fine, but I'm not going to fight as much as I have in the past to make things right for myself.  I see no point in expanding energy that is precious to me, on pointless fights.  I like part of my work, in fact I've loved the job, even if I've struggled, but I'm convinced that others have had enough of me and that's partly due to the fact of the situation between myself and colleague, they've taken the other persons side and so I'm not going to get anything. 

From chaos and stress to something a bit less

It's been a few days since I last posted and whilst a lot calmer I'm still flirting around in my mind.  I think that had I not been off work for so long recovering from my hip surgery I'd be tempted to go on the sick right now.  Even saying that suggests that regardless I should be doing just that.  However, please hear me out.  I know I'm capable of working, I know that come start time I'll be in work mode and I'll be doing my job.  It's the time I'm not working that my mind is flirting around.  Perhaps I need to structure my days better, as I'm struggling to fill them of late and that hasn't been the case all the time during this lock down, I believe that the reason for this is that my mind is whirling around with so many issues. 

Still it's not as bad as it was and I'm not as negative as I was over the weekend.  I think I did myself a favour on Sunday by sitting down and watching films all day and not really looking at what was going on online.  I knew what was going on and how the situation wasn't great, but I couldn't face another day of negativity and needed to give myself some sort of break.  It helped, and yes I need to do a bit more of that for my own health, so let's see how I do. 

On Thursday, I've got a eye health check, I'm concerned that this may lead to things being discovered about my health, that I don't want to hear.  However, lets face the facts it's better to know that not and if I'm not 100% then let's get me better and the sooner the better.  Of course the problem that I have is that the last time I wasn't well I ended up on the steroids that led to my hip needing to be replaced.  While the recovery from that surgery has been fine, I'd rather not have to get the other one done if I can avoid it, but would be slightly fearful if given the same sort of dosage of steroids if in fact the sarcoidosys has returned.

Not again

I'm not sure how long between post I know it's not long what so ever.  Either way I return once again to write and express some of my issues which need work on and try and unpack everything. 

Writing the previous post delayed my whole day if I'm being honest, I'd intended to get out of the flat early to head to the shops find something for my tea which would have meant doing quite a bit of work cooking, even if it was only for me, I just wanted to pamper myself.  I got the email which sparked my climb up to the top of the slide and jumping onto it. I then started writing and writing and getting lost in my thoughts, finding them and calming down which spoilt my writing process.  I paused for breakfast, came back with focus on what to write and then I got distracted and that focus left and so I wandered from that and the previous post jigs and jags all over. 

I finally got myself ready to go out, but in doing so it scratched the surface of so mnay of my problems that I had to write again.  I know what the issue is, I know what the action to remedy this situation is and I've moved to do something about it about 3 to 4 years ago.  I followed it up, about a year or so later and we are still waiting for the outcome.  It's so frustrating, I know right now nothing will be done, nothing an be done due to the pandemic, but I'm just hearing nothing and no matter how much I chase it up nothing seems to be going forward and it's frustrating.  I could if I would get this sorted myself, but I can't afford to do that and so I've got to wait for help, but it's just not coming soon enough.  I don't know how to deal with it properly, it's having a huge effect on me in terms of self confidence which is low anyway. 

As I was going to go out, now I'm stopping in, I'm not going to go out which isn't great it isn't helpful but it's the only way forward.  I know what I need to do, but

a) I don't think I can do without fear or opinion

b) Imposition and I don't know that even if I did do people would understand. 

Life isn't great, I'm not great...  Hopefully soon

frustration

Why is something so little as an appraisal at work causing me so much frustration?  Why is it causing me so many problems? 

I struggled to write it initially, but completed a draft version and sent it to my manager who subsequently returned it with justifiable responses on it, but it exploded a bomb within me.  It was the thing that pushed me over the edge recently and forced an intervention.  I did write a second version that was so much more negative and subsequently sent that off.  Since then a newer version has been constructed, but it isn't sitting well with me.  Reading it back just makes me want to quit my job, it's causing me to feel inadequate and pointless.  I honestly am not sure why this is causing me so many issues, but it is.  I guess by coming here to write I'm going to try and see if by writing about it I can explore this situation.

So where did it start?  I think trying to describe how I see I contribute in the wider scheme of things was a something I hadn't expected and to be frank I see myself as a rather minor cog in a much wider machine, in the past I often saw myself as a person who would hold ladders for others, assisting them to start to climb the ladder and offering support to climb well beyond where I was.  Why was that?  Why when at that point in time I felt that I was more than a competent in my job?  In fact I felt I was one of the best in my role, so what made me want to help further others than myself but allowed me to do so fairly stress free??  I'm not sure, what's changed?  I've moved from the area of work that I had been comfortable with to a different area, but I feel equally as comfortable with so why am I stressing myself out with this? 

After starting this entry, I made my breakfast and ate it, posted a post on facebook and sent an email.  It's important to note that as this has given me time to think a bit and to calm down a bit.  That though isn't enough for me to close this down I need to examine why this is causing me to let me spiral down as much as it is. 

Looking back, have I ever had a position where by I felt that management have trusted me?  I have to ask this as it's something has just come to mind.  Going back to working in the school all those years ago, the head teacher was constantly questioning why I continued to stay in the post as for him it wasn't a job for me to stay in.  I know his reasoning was, but he had no idea about the situation and I was enjoying my job.  I've always said that pay isn't important for me, it's job satisfaction that has always played a big part for me.  If I'm enjoying what I'm doing, if I'm getting satisfaction from what I do then financial reward isn't important, it's nice but not important.  I moved around the schools as previously discussed in this blog I'm sure many moons ago, so won't go through that story again.  Needless to say that where I ended up I was in a situation where I wasn't going to move forward, where I wasn't doing what I wanted to do and so I left.  I moved over to Barnardo's and as soon as I arrived the management that I'd been used to working with as a part time member of staff and volunteer moved on, and the new structure wasn't great, but I was enjoying my job even if the internal politics made to a difficult environment, but the job itself was fine.  Then of course we had the situation at the end which turned against me, and yes I'd been warned people were out to get me, but I ignored it and they got me. 

Now I'm in my current role, my management is way better, this isn't a slight on them, but perhaps I'm hessitant of them. I'm not as nervous as I once was with supervision or appraisals as I was at the end of my spell at Barnardo's, but I'm no fan of them.  I think that with all the issues that was brought up in supervision meetings there and even with all the effort to make things turn around there which failed I'm wary of any negativity towards my work, I am probably looking into it to much rather than looking forward, I'm looking at stuff backwards fearing going forward.  I see patterns of the past withn what's happening right now and I guess I'm scared of what's happening, scared of history repeating myself. 

This has gone off on a tangent but if I didn't do that, it wouldn't be me would it. 

So where is this going?  I think I'm trying to discover where the self confidence and belief vanished, why I can't rediscover it, why I'm nervous?  I do think that through the later years of work in school and at Barnardo's I felt that pepole were either discriminating against me or just didn't like me for what ever reason.  My own personal situation comes back into it of course, I've pacified too many rather than helping myself in that area to my own disadvantage.  I allowed others close to me to dictate how I progessed and I know now that I was foolish to do that and it's really hurt me.  I have no idea how to correct that right now, I fear it's way to late.  With that situation I think that it's going to be something that I will carry with me throughout my life and into anything I do and so I have to face up to it.  Even now I know I'm skirting around it.  I'm playing it safe, well I'm not I know the issue but I'm not writing it down.  I know what it is, so at least I can deal with it I guess.  What I need to learn is how to seperate things and try and gain some confidence back into my work life even if I can't in my own life. 

Where as I've just said I need to seperate personal issues from work issues, I have to accept that right now it is fairly impossible.  I'm depressed, my personal loneliness is really effecting me, I know that things are difficult right now, being in a lock down where we can't go out and all social activities are effectively shut, I've not been able to socilalise with others which has really caused me problems.  I don't think I really spotted it till this work apprailsal came into my mail box.  It's strange how one thing so simple exploded the other, there is no corrilation between the two.  Having accepted that, I reverted to some help in terms of anti deppressants again, I start to rebuild myself, but it's a slow process. It's difficult as some of the issues that I alluded to above come into play here.  I don't like forcing myself onto people, I don't like intruding and certainly during the current situation.  I unlike a lot of others that I know am single, I don't have someone to talk to at home or to worry about.  Everyone else does and everyone else has other friends and so I'm not that important in the scheme of things I live alone so I should be able to cope better than most during this period, yet obviously not. 

During this blog I have realised I like many I guess hate to fail, it's abhorent to me, but I notice how much I have failed and how much I hate it and thus I don't want any more.  This is a huge issue with the appraisal isn't it.  I don't want to fail any further, bt having targets being set that I can't see me acheiving seems to be setting me up to fail rather than progressing which is being suggested..  The progress which is beng suggested is beyone me there is no way I can acheive that.  I know some thinkI can, but I can't I'd fail so badly that I'd possibly in a worse situation than I'm in now.  I can't afford to let that happen.  I have to be realistic, I just want to achieve a sembelance of peace and happiness,but to get to that I've got a long, long road to go, and some where in the middle of that journey I have to stop hating on myself, hating myself and consider myself worthy.

12 months since

So it's been 12 months since I last posted and whilst I've been in good health and mentally OK in that period, over the past couple of months my mood has dropped and I need to revisit here and post something new again. 

The world has changed a lot since the last post we have been on lock down now for over 3 months, this Covid19 pandemic has altered the world considerably, what was the norm is no longer and we are having to discover new ways of working, socialising and generally live.  It hasn't been easy for anyone in many ways.  For myself the isolation has really hurt me, previously I've identified isolation and loneliness as being issues I suffer from, and yet again I've not been able to cope.  I must say I can deal with it for long periods, possibly longer now than I could have years ago, but that doesn't mean I cope any better when it hits home. 

A few weeks back I collapsed into one of my dark moods, it wasn't anything that had taken place, just a progressive fall due to not really seeing anyone for around 10 weeks.  Yes, going to the shops, and working online means I do see people, but I can't say that I'd seen anyone that I knew to talk to outside of work in that period.  I went from being in a reasonable place to dark ally very quickly and worrying to a point.  Thankfully my work colleagues spotted my decent and came to my rescue.  I'm slowly rebuilding myself again, but am awaiting some counseling  as I know that I need to explore what went wrong and to look at new coping strategies as I fear my trusted strategies are starting to fray around the edges.  A new perspective and new ideas are in order. 

In the midst of this I want to step back from battles to give myself total focus and strength to rebuild, but I just can't seem to be able to.  Thus whilst not in a bad place I'm low on energy and can see me treading water rather than climbing out, I should be climbing out and putting myself on solid ground, but me being me seemingly won't allow myself to do that.  So I struggle on and hope that things improve, I don't hold much hope out for the short term future, but hopefully in the longer term for sure.