You know I predicted that I'd struggle on a night out this weekend earlier in the week. I wasn't going to go, but me being me was to polite to say anything and thus went out when my mood wasn't in a good place. Years gone by I'd have not gone, years gone by I'd have pretended to be asleep or doing something so that I wouldn't have to go out at all. I had lots of excuses yesterday, but no bravery to say any of them.
Last night was a mess, from the moment of getting ready I was dithering over what to wear, I've got nothing to wear if I'm honest, all my clothes are t-shirts and shorts as I don't do going out anymore, not that I ever did. I felt uncomfortable from the get go which didn't help of course. Then the conversations began when everyone arrived about uni courses, degrees, masters etc, etc and sure enough I felt lost and out of my depth. I can hold my own a lot of the time, but that good old phrase "better to stay silent and thought a fool, rather than saying something and removing all doubt" springs to mind. I'm so insecure right now that I managed to get through my meal before bolting. Well I didn't bolt, I stood outside and waited for the crowd to leave, but they weren't leaving soon. So I went ahead to the next venue and started to drink in there. I should have gone home, but I didn't foolishly. Maybe I was so uncomfortable with how I looked that I couldn't bear the thought of going home on public transport looking like that. Either way I stayed out.
When the others joined me I was so aware of how much they were enjoying themselves where as I wasn't. Yes, eventually others joined us, we had a big table and different factions started talking and discussions went away from education and qualifications and onto stuff that I could venture some opinions on. However, it was such a difficult place to be in. Then they moved to somewhere else, again I could have left, again I should have, but again I didn't and things only got worse.
I need to say I don't enjoy clubs where I don't like the music being played. It's just not my thing. Plus when people move away from you without telling you where they are on arrival it was scary. Whilst sulking and moping I have to admit I suddenly spotted we'd moved into today, and today is always a bad day. I lost my dad 18 years ago and whilst some in my family might tell me I didn't love him, he didn't love me and whatever I did love him and I miss him so much. At this point the night ended for me, I couldn't control myself thankfully the person who was with me decided to go themselves, but I know I ruined the night for them. I really do have to make so many apologies to everyone, and I'm sure that anyone reading this if they are will tell me I shouldn't apologise I've got nothing to say sorry for. However, that's how I feel, that's who I am and what I do. If I'm falling back into my old ways then saying sorry for my behaviour is something I've got to do.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Thursday, June 27, 2019
2 days running
Back again, the morning after the day before.... Am I in a better state of mind? No not really, a bit clearer in the head after a few drinks yesterday afternoon and feeling better for sleeping, but no I'm still feeling that I've got to make a change.
I've got a group tonight, and that in itself is going to be interesting in how I approach it. I could go all cold and moody or just be professional and turn up, do my job and leave. It will probably end up a bit of both, but tonight isn't an issue, that's tomorrow when I've got the group that started me questioning my abilities once again. I'll see how tomorrow goes, as of yet I've got nothing to do with them, as well I am less enthused to do anything with them as everything that I've tried either fails or they don't want to do, so why should I bother? I know the one time they do want to engage will be when I make a break through with them, but it's likely that this group of young people will be moving on soon and so do I stick with it or not?
That's where my mind is at, no matter how much I tell myself that I want to quit, I keep coming up with excuses not to and setting time targets that then alter, I've got to be more decisive about this, but when have I ever been that? Never is the word and that what's the matter here. No matter how much I try, and work at beating my demons, at making myself better, when the crunch happens I revert to type and that scares the life out of me. I've been in such a reasonable position over the past few years, where I've not had to post in here, where I've been able to deal with ups and downs and now I'm back at square one.
Looking at it from as wide an angle as I can, I do think that I'm working harder and harder as time goes on to distract myself from my physical issues, that it's taking so much out of me that the longer it goes on the less and less that I can pay attention on helping me stay calm and placing myself in a good position. Is that faint praise of myself or a seriously honest view of things I don't know, others haven't mentioned it, but then I'm so reluctant to actually say how bad my hip can be, and I'm so belligerent that I'll do anything and everything till I can't. I hate to show signs of weakness, of course these blogs are just that, but I think it's because I can remain semi anonymous here that I can write these things. Also no one really reads them do they. So it just helps me to rant and rage when the going gets tough and to explore themes that I perhaps hadn't looked at properly or thought of as I tend to come in here blind, in terms of what I write and let it flow.
I've got a group tonight, and that in itself is going to be interesting in how I approach it. I could go all cold and moody or just be professional and turn up, do my job and leave. It will probably end up a bit of both, but tonight isn't an issue, that's tomorrow when I've got the group that started me questioning my abilities once again. I'll see how tomorrow goes, as of yet I've got nothing to do with them, as well I am less enthused to do anything with them as everything that I've tried either fails or they don't want to do, so why should I bother? I know the one time they do want to engage will be when I make a break through with them, but it's likely that this group of young people will be moving on soon and so do I stick with it or not?
That's where my mind is at, no matter how much I tell myself that I want to quit, I keep coming up with excuses not to and setting time targets that then alter, I've got to be more decisive about this, but when have I ever been that? Never is the word and that what's the matter here. No matter how much I try, and work at beating my demons, at making myself better, when the crunch happens I revert to type and that scares the life out of me. I've been in such a reasonable position over the past few years, where I've not had to post in here, where I've been able to deal with ups and downs and now I'm back at square one.
Looking at it from as wide an angle as I can, I do think that I'm working harder and harder as time goes on to distract myself from my physical issues, that it's taking so much out of me that the longer it goes on the less and less that I can pay attention on helping me stay calm and placing myself in a good position. Is that faint praise of myself or a seriously honest view of things I don't know, others haven't mentioned it, but then I'm so reluctant to actually say how bad my hip can be, and I'm so belligerent that I'll do anything and everything till I can't. I hate to show signs of weakness, of course these blogs are just that, but I think it's because I can remain semi anonymous here that I can write these things. Also no one really reads them do they. So it just helps me to rant and rage when the going gets tough and to explore themes that I perhaps hadn't looked at properly or thought of as I tend to come in here blind, in terms of what I write and let it flow.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Doubts
So after a period away, two posts in one day!! OK, so truth be known, I've had a couple of drinks since the last post, but I don't care it's helped pass the afternoon away and also I was in good company thanks to the owners and fellow customers at the Northern Type in Eccles.
I should go into details with regards my jobs. I think the last time I posted I had the two 1 hour posts with the charity that I work for. I've still got those hours though they'll soon be changing from admin work to youth work. I'm not sure that's the best move right now. I've got 6 hours a week with a local authority doing youth work and also volunteering a further 6 hours. That's all well and good, but by the end of the week, I'm so tired, I know it's down to my hip and not age and not being able to cope with so much work. So I've been considering dropping some of the voluntary work, and shouldn't have accepted the new youth work position, but I just can't say no in some ways.
That though is half the problem. Part of the 6 hours youth work I've started to work with young people who don't have any issues, be it sexuality or learning difficulties, this is the first time ever I've worked in this field, well except for when I've been at my mum and dad's and half the drives kids were playing with my niece. That was controlled to an extent, but right now I feel so out of my depth with them that I don't know what to do. I don't seem to be able to connect with them, they don't want to connect with me and that's something I've never had to deal with, well almost I know and have held my hands up that I struggle with very autistic young people. This though is so different, it's got me to the point where I'm doubting my abilities to work with young people full stop.
Yes, I know this isn't a shocker, in that I am self doubting and questioning myself, it's my raison d'etre, but after qualifying as a youth worker and all experience that I have you would have thought that I'd have at least a semblance of knowledge and ability.
You know this all stems back from the final months with Barnardo's, that worker who was full of bravado, the one full of themselves thinking they could deal with just about anyone, got taken down systematically by others, bit by bit and slowly had the self belief and self confidence in there own ability shredded. I'm but a shadow of that person now, and that bothers me, it irritates me and hurts me. I don't even know why it happened, I have a few idea's but I do feel that people were gunning for me for some reason and they got me. Bringing that up to now though, and any little thing that goes wrong at work I start to question myself, yes I've questioned myself about the work with the group mentioned before, but my other work, I've been confident about it, that I'm doing OK. People have praised me and continue to do so. Yet, all it takes is one session where things don't got 100% and people don't listen to me, or don't want to talk to me and I'm being told to lower my standards, and I collapse into this desperate state.
It's this that bothers me, it's this that is making feel that I should quit. I was already thinking this, and wanting to wait till the end of the Pride season, but right now, that's out of the window, I'm looking at going sooner rather than later, I don't feel I'm any good at my job, I don't feel like I'm contributing in my role and that they young people don't or won't listen when I talk to them. After all these years of feeling I can work with young people I feel like I've been telling myself lies, and I can't cope with the honest truth that I'm slowly realising.
I should go into details with regards my jobs. I think the last time I posted I had the two 1 hour posts with the charity that I work for. I've still got those hours though they'll soon be changing from admin work to youth work. I'm not sure that's the best move right now. I've got 6 hours a week with a local authority doing youth work and also volunteering a further 6 hours. That's all well and good, but by the end of the week, I'm so tired, I know it's down to my hip and not age and not being able to cope with so much work. So I've been considering dropping some of the voluntary work, and shouldn't have accepted the new youth work position, but I just can't say no in some ways.
That though is half the problem. Part of the 6 hours youth work I've started to work with young people who don't have any issues, be it sexuality or learning difficulties, this is the first time ever I've worked in this field, well except for when I've been at my mum and dad's and half the drives kids were playing with my niece. That was controlled to an extent, but right now I feel so out of my depth with them that I don't know what to do. I don't seem to be able to connect with them, they don't want to connect with me and that's something I've never had to deal with, well almost I know and have held my hands up that I struggle with very autistic young people. This though is so different, it's got me to the point where I'm doubting my abilities to work with young people full stop.
Yes, I know this isn't a shocker, in that I am self doubting and questioning myself, it's my raison d'etre, but after qualifying as a youth worker and all experience that I have you would have thought that I'd have at least a semblance of knowledge and ability.
You know this all stems back from the final months with Barnardo's, that worker who was full of bravado, the one full of themselves thinking they could deal with just about anyone, got taken down systematically by others, bit by bit and slowly had the self belief and self confidence in there own ability shredded. I'm but a shadow of that person now, and that bothers me, it irritates me and hurts me. I don't even know why it happened, I have a few idea's but I do feel that people were gunning for me for some reason and they got me. Bringing that up to now though, and any little thing that goes wrong at work I start to question myself, yes I've questioned myself about the work with the group mentioned before, but my other work, I've been confident about it, that I'm doing OK. People have praised me and continue to do so. Yet, all it takes is one session where things don't got 100% and people don't listen to me, or don't want to talk to me and I'm being told to lower my standards, and I collapse into this desperate state.
It's this that bothers me, it's this that is making feel that I should quit. I was already thinking this, and wanting to wait till the end of the Pride season, but right now, that's out of the window, I'm looking at going sooner rather than later, I don't feel I'm any good at my job, I don't feel like I'm contributing in my role and that they young people don't or won't listen when I talk to them. After all these years of feeling I can work with young people I feel like I've been telling myself lies, and I can't cope with the honest truth that I'm slowly realising.
Return
It's been a long time since I wrote anything in here and I guess it's been a long time since I felt compelled to do so. However, now is that time, now is that moment where my mood is dire, where I can't see a future and I need somewhere to vent as I've got little chance of venting anywhere else.
Things are very, very messy. My hip is now in need of replacement, the steriods I was placed on for the sarcoidosis stopped the flow of blood to the head of the hip and it's killed the bone and the ball in the socket has collapsed. Another side effect is that they assisted in me putting around 10 or 11 stone on, or in other terms nearly doubling my weight. I'm a fat lump and I hate being this big, but I have managed to avert any dysphoric distress about my body image by telling myself that I had no chance due to they dual side effects of the steroids. It isn't all my fault.
To get the surgery to replace the hip, I need to lose some weight, all well and good normally for me. I'd go out walking and be a bit more active than I normally am, but I can't my hip won't let me. Walking is now a chore rather than being enjoyable and I don't want to walk unless I have to. I certainly can't run and whilst I can cycle, I've no bike and I know that I even though I'm fit enough to cycle, that my bad leg gets tired quicker than my good one, and whilst I compensate on a bike I know that I drag my leg later in the day when walking and fall over more often. This is true for any exercise I've tried over the past year or two. So dieting it is, and that started out great, but has since stagnated and the last few kilo's that I need to shake off are proving harder than can be imagined.
What doesn't help is the hip specialist ranting at me for 30 minutes whenever I see him about my weight. At this point I need to go back to December when I saw him, his rant and attitude towards me that day was outrageous, to such an extent that upon leaving I felt like something I was a piece of dirt that he'd trodden in. I wanted and did punish myself for being so heavy, I promptly walked to work that day, a 4 or 5 mile walk that years gone by would have taken me an hour, this was closer to 3, and I paid for it. It was stupid to even try it, but after what he said I needed to do something, but that didn't appease me solely, and so I reverted to self harm, I started to hit myself once more, something I'd not done for close to 15 years. I obviously spotted the signs that I was sliding and went to my doctors and went back onto the anti depressants. Things started to buck up, and come February when I saw a different specialist things were looking up, I was put on the waiting list, but had to lose a bit more weight, however the opposite happened and I put weight back on. I saw the original specialist earlier this month and yet again he had a go at me, even suggesting that I should just drink water for 2 weeks to lose weight. I never want to see that specialist again, I don't even want him to perform the surgery, I don't care if he's the best in the world, his attitude stinks and I don't want him near me.
This appointment has sent me spiraling out of control again and I hate it. To add to this mess, the two jobs that I now do, the admin for the charity and youth work for the council have both been going badly of late, and I'm starting to question my abilities to do either jobs as well as my own general abilities. I'm due to go out on Saturday night with some work colleagues, to celebrate one of them becoming a doctor of literature, but I don't think I'm going to be great company, I don't think that I'll add to the conversations they will have with our colleagues and there friends. Even is they do include me, it I'll be out of my depth, so I may just pay them my money before hand for the food that I've ordered and not attend. I'm seriously wanting to quit everything, but I know that I can't and that makes me mad as I know it makes me sound weak and I hate that about myself.
I'm going to go out now, but I will return here soon and rant and rage at myself as ever.
Things are very, very messy. My hip is now in need of replacement, the steriods I was placed on for the sarcoidosis stopped the flow of blood to the head of the hip and it's killed the bone and the ball in the socket has collapsed. Another side effect is that they assisted in me putting around 10 or 11 stone on, or in other terms nearly doubling my weight. I'm a fat lump and I hate being this big, but I have managed to avert any dysphoric distress about my body image by telling myself that I had no chance due to they dual side effects of the steroids. It isn't all my fault.
To get the surgery to replace the hip, I need to lose some weight, all well and good normally for me. I'd go out walking and be a bit more active than I normally am, but I can't my hip won't let me. Walking is now a chore rather than being enjoyable and I don't want to walk unless I have to. I certainly can't run and whilst I can cycle, I've no bike and I know that I even though I'm fit enough to cycle, that my bad leg gets tired quicker than my good one, and whilst I compensate on a bike I know that I drag my leg later in the day when walking and fall over more often. This is true for any exercise I've tried over the past year or two. So dieting it is, and that started out great, but has since stagnated and the last few kilo's that I need to shake off are proving harder than can be imagined.
What doesn't help is the hip specialist ranting at me for 30 minutes whenever I see him about my weight. At this point I need to go back to December when I saw him, his rant and attitude towards me that day was outrageous, to such an extent that upon leaving I felt like something I was a piece of dirt that he'd trodden in. I wanted and did punish myself for being so heavy, I promptly walked to work that day, a 4 or 5 mile walk that years gone by would have taken me an hour, this was closer to 3, and I paid for it. It was stupid to even try it, but after what he said I needed to do something, but that didn't appease me solely, and so I reverted to self harm, I started to hit myself once more, something I'd not done for close to 15 years. I obviously spotted the signs that I was sliding and went to my doctors and went back onto the anti depressants. Things started to buck up, and come February when I saw a different specialist things were looking up, I was put on the waiting list, but had to lose a bit more weight, however the opposite happened and I put weight back on. I saw the original specialist earlier this month and yet again he had a go at me, even suggesting that I should just drink water for 2 weeks to lose weight. I never want to see that specialist again, I don't even want him to perform the surgery, I don't care if he's the best in the world, his attitude stinks and I don't want him near me.
This appointment has sent me spiraling out of control again and I hate it. To add to this mess, the two jobs that I now do, the admin for the charity and youth work for the council have both been going badly of late, and I'm starting to question my abilities to do either jobs as well as my own general abilities. I'm due to go out on Saturday night with some work colleagues, to celebrate one of them becoming a doctor of literature, but I don't think I'm going to be great company, I don't think that I'll add to the conversations they will have with our colleagues and there friends. Even is they do include me, it I'll be out of my depth, so I may just pay them my money before hand for the food that I've ordered and not attend. I'm seriously wanting to quit everything, but I know that I can't and that makes me mad as I know it makes me sound weak and I hate that about myself.
I'm going to go out now, but I will return here soon and rant and rage at myself as ever.
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