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It's been a long time since I wrote anything in here and I guess it's been a long time since I felt compelled to do so.  However, now is that time, now is that moment where my mood is dire, where I can't see a future and I need somewhere to vent as I've got little chance of venting anywhere else.  

Things are very, very messy.  My hip is now in need of replacement, the steriods I was placed on for the sarcoidosis stopped the flow of blood to the head of the hip and it's killed the bone and the ball in the socket has collapsed.  Another side effect is that they assisted in me putting around 10 or 11 stone on, or in other terms nearly doubling my weight.  I'm a fat lump and I hate being this big, but I have managed to avert any dysphoric distress about my body image by telling myself that I had no chance due to they dual side effects of the steroids.  It isn't all my fault.  

To get the surgery to replace the hip, I need to lose some weight, all well and good normally for me.  I'd go out walking and be a bit more active than I normally am, but I can't my hip won't let me.  Walking is now a chore rather than being enjoyable and I don't want to walk unless I have to.  I certainly can't run and whilst I can cycle, I've no bike and I know that I even though I'm fit enough to cycle, that my bad leg gets tired quicker than my good one, and whilst I compensate on a bike I know that I drag my leg later in the day when walking and fall over more often.  This is true for any exercise I've tried over the past year or two.  So dieting it is, and that started out great, but has since stagnated and the last few kilo's that I need to shake off are proving harder than can be imagined.  

What doesn't help is the hip specialist ranting at me for 30 minutes whenever I see him about my weight.  At this point I need to go back to December when I saw him, his rant and attitude towards me that day was outrageous, to such an extent that upon leaving I felt like something I was a piece of dirt that he'd trodden in.  I wanted and did punish myself for being so heavy, I promptly walked to work that day, a 4 or 5 mile walk that years gone by would have taken me an hour, this was closer to 3, and I paid for it.  It was stupid to even try it, but after what he said I needed to do something, but that didn't appease me solely, and so I reverted to self harm, I started to hit myself once more, something I'd not done for close to 15 years.  I obviously spotted the signs that I was sliding and went to my doctors and went back onto the anti depressants.   Things started to buck up, and come February when I saw a different specialist things were looking up, I was put on the waiting list, but had to lose a bit more weight, however the opposite happened and I put weight back on.  I saw the original specialist earlier this month and yet again he had a go at me, even suggesting that I should just drink water for 2 weeks to lose weight.  I never want to see that specialist again, I don't even want him to perform the surgery, I don't care if he's the best in the world, his attitude stinks and I don't want him near me.  

This appointment has sent me spiraling out of control again and I hate it.  To add to this mess, the two jobs that I now do, the admin for the charity and youth work for the council have both been going badly of late, and I'm starting to question my abilities to do either jobs as well as my own general abilities.  I'm due to go out on Saturday night with some work colleagues, to celebrate one of them becoming a doctor of literature, but I don't think I'm going to be great company, I don't think that I'll add to the conversations they will have with our colleagues and there friends.  Even is they do include me, it I'll be out of my depth, so I may just pay them my money before hand for the food that I've ordered and not attend.  I'm seriously wanting to quit everything, but I know that I can't and that makes me mad as I know it makes me sound weak and I hate that about myself.  

I'm going to go out now, but I will return here soon and rant and rage at myself as ever.