2 days running

Back again, the morning after the day before....  Am I in a better state of mind?  No not really, a bit clearer in the head after a few drinks yesterday afternoon and feeling better for sleeping, but no I'm still feeling that I've got to make a change.  

I've got a group tonight, and that in itself is going to be interesting in how I approach it.  I could go all cold and moody or just be professional and turn up, do my job and leave.  It will probably end up a bit of both, but tonight isn't an issue, that's tomorrow when I've got the group that started me questioning my abilities once again.  I'll see how tomorrow goes, as of yet I've got nothing to do with them, as well I am less enthused to do anything with them as everything that I've tried either fails or they don't want to do, so why should I bother?  I know the one time they do want to engage will be when I make a break through with them, but it's likely that this group of young people will be moving on soon and so do I stick with it or not?  

That's where my mind is at, no matter how much I tell myself that I want to quit, I keep coming up with excuses not to and setting time targets that then alter, I've got to be more decisive about this, but when have I ever been that?  Never is the word and that what's the matter here.  No matter how much I try, and work at beating my demons, at making myself better, when the crunch happens I revert to type and that scares the life out of me.  I've been in such a reasonable position over the past few years, where I've not had to post in here, where I've been able to deal with ups and downs and now I'm back at square one.

Looking at it from as wide an angle as I can, I do think that I'm working harder and harder as time goes on to distract myself from my physical issues, that it's taking so much out of me that the longer it goes on the less and less that I can pay attention on helping me stay calm and placing myself in a good position.  Is that faint praise of myself or a seriously honest view of things I don't know, others haven't mentioned it, but then I'm so reluctant to actually say how bad my hip can be, and I'm so belligerent that I'll do anything and everything till I can't.  I hate to show signs of weakness, of course these blogs are just that, but I think it's because I can remain semi anonymous here that I can write these things.  Also no one really reads them do they.  So it just helps me to rant and rage when the going gets tough and to explore themes that I perhaps hadn't looked at properly or thought of as I tend to come in here blind, in terms of what I write and let it flow.