Doubts

So after a period away, two posts in one day!!  OK, so truth be known, I've had a couple of drinks since the last post, but I don't care it's helped pass the afternoon away and also I was in good company thanks to the owners and fellow customers at the Northern Type in Eccles. 

I should go into details with regards my jobs.  I think the last time I posted I had the two 1 hour posts with the charity that I work for.  I've still got those hours though they'll soon be changing from admin work to youth work.  I'm not sure that's the best move right now.  I've got 6 hours a week with a local authority doing youth work and also volunteering a further 6 hours.  That's all well and good, but by the end of the week, I'm so tired, I know it's down to my hip and not age and not being able to cope with so much work.  So I've been considering dropping some of the voluntary work, and shouldn't have accepted the new youth work position, but I just can't say no in some ways.

That though is half the problem.  Part of the 6 hours youth work I've started to work with young people who don't have any issues, be it sexuality or learning difficulties, this is the first time ever I've worked in this field, well except for when I've been at my mum and dad's and half the drives kids were playing with my niece.  That was controlled to an extent, but right now I feel so out of my depth with them that I don't know what to do.  I don't seem to be able to connect with them, they don't want to connect with me and that's something I've never had to deal with, well almost I know and have held my hands up that I struggle with very autistic young people.  This though is so different, it's got me to the point where I'm doubting my abilities to work with young people full stop. 

Yes, I know this isn't a shocker, in that I am self doubting and questioning myself, it's my raison d'etre, but after qualifying as a youth worker and all experience that I have you would have thought that I'd have at least a semblance of  knowledge and ability. 

You know this all stems back from the final months with Barnardo's, that worker who was full of bravado, the one full of themselves thinking they could deal with just about anyone, got taken down systematically by others, bit by bit and slowly had the self belief and self confidence in there own ability shredded.  I'm but a shadow of that person now, and that bothers me, it irritates me and hurts me.  I don't even know why it happened, I have a few idea's but I do feel that people were gunning for me for some reason and they got me.  Bringing that up to now though, and any little thing that goes wrong at work I start to question myself, yes I've questioned myself about the work with the group mentioned before, but my other work, I've been confident about it, that I'm doing OK.  People have praised me and continue to do so.  Yet, all it takes is one session where things don't got 100% and people don't listen to me, or don't want to talk to me and I'm being told to lower my standards, and I collapse into this desperate state. 

It's this that bothers me, it's this that is making feel that I should quit.  I was already thinking this, and wanting to wait till the end of the Pride season, but right now, that's out of the window, I'm looking at going sooner rather than later, I don't feel I'm any good at my job, I don't feel like I'm contributing in my role and that they young people don't or won't listen when I talk to them.  After all these years of feeling I can work with young people I feel like I've been telling myself lies, and I can't cope with the honest truth that I'm slowly realising.