You know I predicted that I'd struggle on a night out this weekend earlier in the week. I wasn't going to go, but me being me was to polite to say anything and thus went out when my mood wasn't in a good place. Years gone by I'd have not gone, years gone by I'd have pretended to be asleep or doing something so that I wouldn't have to go out at all. I had lots of excuses yesterday, but no bravery to say any of them.
Last night was a mess, from the moment of getting ready I was dithering over what to wear, I've got nothing to wear if I'm honest, all my clothes are t-shirts and shorts as I don't do going out anymore, not that I ever did. I felt uncomfortable from the get go which didn't help of course. Then the conversations began when everyone arrived about uni courses, degrees, masters etc, etc and sure enough I felt lost and out of my depth. I can hold my own a lot of the time, but that good old phrase "better to stay silent and thought a fool, rather than saying something and removing all doubt" springs to mind. I'm so insecure right now that I managed to get through my meal before bolting. Well I didn't bolt, I stood outside and waited for the crowd to leave, but they weren't leaving soon. So I went ahead to the next venue and started to drink in there. I should have gone home, but I didn't foolishly. Maybe I was so uncomfortable with how I looked that I couldn't bear the thought of going home on public transport looking like that. Either way I stayed out.
When the others joined me I was so aware of how much they were enjoying themselves where as I wasn't. Yes, eventually others joined us, we had a big table and different factions started talking and discussions went away from education and qualifications and onto stuff that I could venture some opinions on. However, it was such a difficult place to be in. Then they moved to somewhere else, again I could have left, again I should have, but again I didn't and things only got worse.
I need to say I don't enjoy clubs where I don't like the music being played. It's just not my thing. Plus when people move away from you without telling you where they are on arrival it was scary. Whilst sulking and moping I have to admit I suddenly spotted we'd moved into today, and today is always a bad day. I lost my dad 18 years ago and whilst some in my family might tell me I didn't love him, he didn't love me and whatever I did love him and I miss him so much. At this point the night ended for me, I couldn't control myself thankfully the person who was with me decided to go themselves, but I know I ruined the night for them. I really do have to make so many apologies to everyone, and I'm sure that anyone reading this if they are will tell me I shouldn't apologise I've got nothing to say sorry for. However, that's how I feel, that's who I am and what I do. If I'm falling back into my old ways then saying sorry for my behaviour is something I've got to do.
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