Sunday, November 27, 2011

Push and Pull

So here we are again, another morning a bright clear morning the sun is bright and not a cloud in sight.  Though I've not ventured out yet, I'm distinctly aware that it's cold outside.  I think the neighbours eldest proved that by only being out for 10 minutes or so practising her netball skills in the back garden.  With hat, scarf and gloves on, she happily shot some hoops with equal amount of failure and success.  

I've noticed in myself a distinct trait that I don't know if I like or not over the past week or so.  It's really strange and one to explore.  It's pushing and pulling and whilst I'm sure I've done in the past I've only recognised it now.  I don't know why I do it, perhhaps I'm scared, perhaps it's a natural occurance in everyone, but I've found myself doing it this week, and whilst I'm possibly happy doing, I also feel a sense of guilt, which is nibbiling away at me as I hate to be so nasty, as that isn't in my nature.  Well I say that I've had to have some sort of nastiness in me, to be as cold as I am at times, but that I think has always been an act.

The worse part for me is the pushing, as that's not fair, and whilst I am trying to write and think about it, I'm being drawn back to one notion that it's a defence mechanism, and it's kicking in, but why it's kicked in this week I don't know?  I really don't?  Though I've identified where I'm pushing, I've no reason to feel threatend, or endangered or at least I didn't think I did.  Perhaps my own misguided senses are playing games with me, and that it's those that are causing me to do this and that of course concerns me as obviously I could have done this before and if I have, to what cost have I done so?  Maybe that's why I'm in the position I am right now?  Maybe that's why I'm here writing rather than enjoying other things?  Oh now that's a thought, but I've got to accept that what has gone on, has done so and I won't be able to reclaim back, damage has been done and it's time to move forward.  

Oh now that's a bold statement, but lets see how we go on, and now I've identified this I'll see it again and again, but having seen it, I'll be able to deal with it and perhaps prevent myself from going to far?  I hope so as that could be the trick the one time I do stop and joy could be beholdeth. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

It's easy to be inquisitive

So it's Saturday lunch time, the sky can't be seen...  I think it's grey, but against the back ground I just can't see it.  Can we please change it at half time to blue and white???  

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote in here, and whilst it would be easy to say not a lot has happened, which in many ways it hasn't, things have changed a bit.  I was in London yesterday for a meeting, in the lovely new Unison building over the road from the previous headquarters.  I regret not taking a few photo's of the view from the conference room we were in, as we could see all the major landmarks in London, as clear as day the view was stunning.  Quite different to Manchester, and I dare say not as pretty.  I say that as though it had land mark building after iconic building etc, it's so built up with nothing to see around it.  In Manchester, you get the major buildings, but the hills in the background and all the lovely surrounding area's.  All we got yesterday was more and more buildings.  

The train ride home though was perhaps the funniest I've been on, and I say that not because it was nice to find what took place funny, but it was just the moment of it all.  I'm sure that most people have been in similar situations, at one point or another.  As the train we had reserved seats on had been cancelled, we got on the next train and the only seats available were some jump seats near one of the toilets.  That the train was so full the door ways either side of us became full as well says how full the train was.  So being surrounded by random people, was OK, no one was bothering each other till the next person along comes, quite merry and starts to chat and goodness knows what else to everyone.  That's when it got funny.  In the end we got back into Manchester, relieved that we'd got back, but entertained by the antics and whilst train journeys in cramped area's like that can last an age, this one didn't due no end to the comedy.  I hope the young person who was rather drunk by the time we got back into Manchester is having a good time with her sister, and that the inevitable sore head she'll have isn't so bad to ruin today.

However, on with the show and I've stolen her "most important word in the world" as my word of the day.  Inquisitive, I don't know where it came from in the conversations she was having with everyone, but that was the word that she loved.  It is a pretty word and a pretty odd word to think of as being the best in the world, but it's not one that I use a lot unless it's like today where I'm trying to use it as often as I can.  I guess I should perhaps do a write up of the meeting I was for official purposes, and of course during that write up the word will be included some how I feel, it's only fair.  

December is nearly upon us, and I guess it's time to consider Xmas, though I don't know why it's just going to be any other day as far as I'm concerned.  I may watch a movie or four, listen to some Xmas type music, but that's about it really, nothing else.  New Year is where it's at, it's the time to start afresh, to be positive that the next 12 months will be better than the last ones, that things you want to do, will be done and things that have gone on are now firmly in the past.  However, like the so called New Year Resolutions made by many a person, the above is soon forgotton and everything returns to how they were the previous year.  I'll try to stay positive, and try and get things moving again, but there may be more negatives before the positives appear I feel.  

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Quandry of Tops and Bottoms

My last post suggested a struggle a struggle with my own mind over my appearance and how one part didn't perhaps meet the image that I wanted.  Well it happened again, and whilst I sort of expected it too, for various reasons it hit in a different way.

So what's the quandry?  Well the top isn't great, and by top I'm talking about my own top.  The image I want isn't there, it's look well awful, and I'm so unhappy with that, it's driving me insane and yet I can't do anything about it.  So I have to endure it, and whilst I try to do that for a few days, the people who are meant to help with that don't read, don't listen and do there own thing.  That hurt today, that hurt badly as I have made it clear how they can help me, but either because they wanted to ignore me or for what ever reason they did it there way and that was wrong.  I lost confidence, though the job they were doing was fine, with all things considered, it was uncomofortable, but fine.  However with no confidence I lost it, and that wasn't fair on them. So I didn't show them, I've learnt a new trick how to cry out of one eye..  It's a neat trick, and one that means I can show one emotion in one eye and hide the real emotion in the other, which boosts confidence of those who are destroying mine.  

With the the top is causing no end of trouble to me right now, and yet over the past few days the bottom is working wonders.  I'm finding I'm losing it again the bottom is going, well slowly, but it's going which is doing my confidence a world of good.  So that as you can see is the quandry, whilst it's becoming clear that I'll needs smaller clothes, and how good a ego boost is that, the other half is all negative and so I ride the fine line I've spoken of and trying to work out the mixture of emotions it's causing me.  Perhaps the tops issue is a knock on effect of the orginal comment, which was a positive comment, which some how has turned into a negative.  Perhaps that's me looking for something to beat myself down with after all this time?  I don't think so as I'm trying to be positive about myself and have been doing such a good job of it of late.  Oh I don't really know, I feel like I'm throwing emotions in the air and catching anything I can, and those that know me, know I can't catch for toffee, so I'm clutching at emotions (rather than straws I guess).  One minute high, one minute low, but it isn't a depressive low, it's more self image, mixed with the loathing, but that's part and parcel of the same thing right?

I've started walking again, that helped earlier this year and it helped me lose some weight not only then, but previously, and so I guess I should continue that as I need to lose some more weight.  I found that I'm walking way faster than I had realised, and was ahead of my aim from the phsyio, so I'm extending my normal walk to 5 miles a day, and have found that I can do that in just over an hour.  An hour nine minutes yesterday, however I'm paying for it today, as I didn't drink enough fluids during the walk and didn't really replenish them through the day, so I've had a stinking headache all day.  I'll sort that out and hit the road tomorrow, and drink plenty.  I've set a target of hopefully February to get to 5 miles in an hour, if not below and the aim is to be able to walk 6 miles in about an hour by the end next year say?  That would seriously help me lose some weight and I may be able to get down to the target weight quicker than I thought I would?  Who knows, but what a confidence boost that would be???

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Stark Reminder.

My previous entry was entitled fine line, and indeed it is a fine line as I've found out the past few days.  It may not be the most sensible thing I've done writing today, but I feel the need to let go and see if that helps rid me of the thoughts and negativity that are currently surrounding me.  I have to give everything a go right?  If not and I allow this to swamp me I'll fall into the hole again and that isn't what I want, it has taken me almost 9 months to really get out of it, no matter what I said back in April/May when I turned the corner, or at any point since I think until now I hadn't planted myself down as such.

So what has happened?  One comment, by a person has flipped the switch as such, and the crazy notion of it all, is that the comment was ultra positive and was meant to please me, which in an odd way it did.  However the consequences of that comment have been far more wide reaching and once again self doubt, self loathing and general self pity have been creeping into my head ever since.  This was reinforced on Tuesday when a menial every day task ended in me being quite shocked, quite upset and fearful.  The self doubts ran rather than crept, the loathing jumped from the basement up to the top floor and the self pitying had a party as I reclused myself in my flat with the exception of one essential trip to the hospital for phsyio.  

What am I going to do about it?  I mean over the next few weeks it's going to be the same, near enough every week and that;'s going to be tough to beat, I don't know if or how I'm going to deal with it, other than to become an early week recluse, but is that really the answer?  No, I want to be out and about, I've stress to often in here that I'm a sociable person, who likes the company of others and to be able to communicate beyond that of my keyboard and computer.  If I can sort my answer out quickly I may avert a disaster, and avoid another drepressive period, which wouldn't be helped by the fact Christmas is coming up.  Yes, that old chestnut Christmas.  Again previous entries have stated my dislike for this period, the false hood of friendships and family are exposed by words in cards and gifts sent, which are supposed to show how much people care about each other.  When in reality they don't care, they hate and dispise you, but it's Christmas and we grit our teeths to show a united happy front to the world.  

I could do without Christmas and a depressive state meeting up, so how to do that?  Try not to self pity, loath and doubt myself.  Refrain from negative thoughts about things that have happened move on, and don't try and think about the consequences of other people's actions.  That's easy enough to write, that's easy enough to say, and I've said it to myself today already, and here I am writing this.  I'm going to go for a walk this morning once my hair dries, and during that walk I'm going to not think negatively, to be positive and enjoy what looks like a beautiful day outside.  Go about my business with a smile and think silly things, as I did yesterday.  How one can look at a picture and ask where's wally and then link that to the old tv show The Adventure Game I'm not quite sure but I did, and that was not only odd and silly, but also a stark reminder of perhaps days gone by when yes everything wasn't quite right, but I was quite far away from the fragile fine line that borders the sane and insane, the happy and sad. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Fine Line

After finishing last nights post I made comment on someone's facebook page, about being sensible, to which I was rebuked (rightly or wrongly I don't care).  This sparked a jovial few comments and one final one from myself, which has given me something to think about.  Whilst something along the lines of the post I made in here, I've sort of played with this discussion but not indepth, so I'll attempt to in here as it could go on a while.

Before that though, I ended up going out to the shops last night and picking up a few things before the supermarket shut.  Now this included a "hot and spicy stir fry".  I got home eager to cook this and the steak that I'd picked up cheaply.  I know it's sort of cheating, but I didn't get in till past 8.30pm, so it was something quick and easy to cook.  I looked on the back for an idea of how long to cook for so I'd hit that and the steak finishing at the same time.  I followed the instructions, well almost, it said to open the chilli and place into the stir fry.  I looked, and searched and found no sachet with chilli sauce or anything remotely like chilli in.  So after faffing around for 3 or 4 minutes I quickly made a mustard chilli sauce myself and threw that over the stir fry to add some flavour to it.  I knew the stir fry was marked down, I was thinking perhaps because it had no chilli sachet in, instead of checking the dates etc.  Once all cooked I put the steak and stir fry on my plate and started to eat, I've made better sauces than this one and whilst the stir fry was Ok, I'd mark the overall score as 5 out of 10, the steak was perfect though a big 10.  Half way through the stir fry though I spotted something, not a melted sachet packet, no I wasn't that stupid I'd have smelt that, but a nice red chilli.  I wish I'd read the packaging properly, I'd just seen open chilli and place into stir fry, rather than slice and dice it.  

That made me chuckle at my own stupidity, and needed to be said.  I may claim to be able to cook and be able to enjoy some nice little meals now and again, but if one doesn't take note of instructions one ends up with egg on the face.  Bringing myself back to the the main topic though the previous paragraph suggests a fine line between perfection and disaster, and that's where this entry is about to go.  The fine line that can split everything in two, from positive to negative.  

Sanity and Insanity or Depressed and Happy, or good and bad, there is a fine line between them both and I think I've walked that line so many times that I know them like family.  Last night after making the final comment on a friends facebook post, I realised that whilst I feel close to the edge, as I sort of explained last night, that I was also looking back at where I'd been and how far over the edge I'd been.  That sort of scared me, but what also scares me is where I am now.  I think it's been so long since I've been on land" and on the good side of the edge that I'm not familiar with it, I don't know if I'm comfortable with it.  I don't understand what it feels like.  Yet, in the midst of this I know it's good, I know it's healthy, but I was almost wanting to turn myself around and take a flying leap back to where I'd come from.  

Why though would anyone want to be that depressed again?  Why would I want to torture myself again like that?  The answer is I don't, I obviously stopped myself, but it's a fine line between going and doing and stopping where I am.  Is the unfamiliarity of safety and happiness or what ever you want to call it that bad?  Maybe it's the lack of having to fight anything and everything to get to where I am which bothers me, maybe I want to fight, I want to have to do something which I enjoy, but can I not do that when happy and content?  I guess the first sign of confussion about this came on Wednesday, when I was hearing positive things said about me, but knowing in the same words lay cutting comments aimed to reprimand me.  I know that small praise is good, but I guess I don't do that well.  It's strange isn't it?  I'm strange ain't I?  

Please understand that whilst I'm exploring myself in this post, like I can do in my darkest and worse hours, this is me exploring in realtive calm, nearly content and happy.  I'm not down, I'm not throwing myself into an abyss, There was a point a month or three ago when I had considered some really odd things which should have been concluded by now, but times have changed, I've moved on and my mood is better.  I'm pleased I'm here and pleased I can explore like this, but it's very perculiar to be able to do so and also to have to when I assess where I am with myself right now.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Opposite Edge

The whoosh of the wind, the thud of the rain and the warmth of the sun just three elements I've not seen or heard today in Salford today.  Though one thing is for sure I don't know the weather..This past week I've noticed how much colder it's been getting in my flat, so much so at the start of the week I got the hot water bottles out.  It wasn't until Monday when I remembered that it might not be the best idea to do that, knowing what I'm like with them and what damage they can do to me.  Thankfully no damage was done, and life goes on.  However, I've been wearing jumpers or long sleeves inside most of the week to keep my arms warm, as they do appear to be getting cold rather quickly and more noticable for some reason.  The strange thing is, that on going out of my flat I can't say that I've actually felt the cold this past week, it's been rather mild.  Today it's been t-shirt all day, no jumper on at all, it's been rather mild inside, though on going out this afternoon, I was bloody perished.  So why it's getting warmer inside when it's getting colder outside I don't know as I've not even had any heating on since March.  

So insignificant, the above is, but that's life!  Full of the mundane, odd little tweaks here and there.  I sit now thinking of something to eat, trying to push back when I start to make something, so that I'm not going to feel hungry later, and also contemplating going and getting something for tea rather than making.  I'd be on soup and pasta if I make and whilst I know I'll enjoy it, it's just not jumping up and down with me right now.  So I don't know, what I'll do, but whatever I will eat, I'm not not going to eat.  I'm not that stupid (I am, but not tonight), I know I need to eat, it would be dangerous for me not to.

It's Friday alreay and this week has flown by in a blur and I mean that, it hardly seems like 7 days, am I glad about that?  I don't know, perhaps I am, but maybe because I've not been worrying to much about boredom or anything else is why it seems to have been like a rocket ship.  I have been busyish, with a trip to Leigh (as is the norm now) and a meeting last night which went well.  So I guess things have broken the norm as such of my week and that's been helpful.  I'm half considering trying to phone a friend, but I know that she won't answer, she'll be tired, busy or out, so it's hardly worth the call.  I'm not sure I've got lots to say, but I just feel that a real conversation would be nice tonight.  I've been like this for a week or two now, in need of a real conversation, but as each day goes by the need gets stronger, but the amount of material seems less, and the importance of that is now next to nothing.  So why do I still yearn for such a thing?  

Now for the strange part to this blog, and it is really strange.  I feel on edge, right on it.  I know I'm safe, but I'm actually pushing back to safety rather than wanting to go over.  I don't even know why I'm feeling like this, as everything is 100%, so something has put me where I am, or perhaps I'm just seeing land for the first time in a long long time and not really understanding what it's all about.  It's confusing and fun all at the same time, and possibly the most perculiar thing about this, is that it's more positive than negative, hmm when did that happen?  Has it happened?  Time will only tell, so I'm going to try and enjoy this period, and figure out what the hell I'm having for tea.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Curiosity ...

As it's Monday, and gone beyond 18.30, it must be time for Radio 4, and the comedy half hour.  Tonight is the final episode of the current series of the Museum of Curiosity, which I've only found over the past 5 or 6 weeks.  I've got to say this is a very quaint series, which whilst being informative is also very funny.  I wish I'd found this series a few years back, as this is the forth season by all accounts.  

So why post? Well to be honest today has been rather positive as I've had a visit to the dentist and everything was very good.  In fact I was quite shocked as I thought I was just seeing the hygienist but no it was the dentist as well.  It wasn't that bad or scary either, and that is something.  I'm feeling rather positive right now, in fact I'm feeling rather chipper.  I wish I could write something really funny, but I can't right now nothing springs to mind. 

Just going back to the first paragraph, may I recommend anyone able to go listen to the said programme on iplayer, the Admirl on it is very funny considering he's one important person.  I dread to think how the Navy survived considering the tales he's been telling.  It could only be the British Navy.  

 When I'm in moods like this I often find it hard to write or at least to be natural, but perhaps practise makes perfect, so if this sounds forced I'm sorry.  I've done not a lot today, apart from the dentist, though I have sent off 3 job applications and 8 ticket applications for shows at the BBC.  I wonder how many I'll get a response from.  I'm betting it's going to be zero, but hey ho if I don't try, what hope of obtaining do I have?  I do hope I get something back from the BBC, as I've applied for quite a few things of late and heard nothing, It's not that I don't understand that spaces are limited, but just one bit of luck would be nice and of course the chance to get out and do something different for a change.  Such is life though, one thing I will have to do soon and perhaps I should do tomorrow I guess is try and find when I last had my bloods tested, and see if I need to get them done soon.  It's normally every 3 months, so I think I may be due something soon.  Which will also mean that I can get my weight checked properly, I was told today that I looked as if I'd lost weight again, though I'm not 100% sure I have, but we'll see.  If I have I'll be happy of course.  

Life goes on, and so I will close this post, I'll go and watch "Have I got A bit More News for You", and come back on line to see if I've upset a few people with a post in a forum.  I know I will have, or my post will have sparked some reaction, and it won't be a positive one to myself, but hey that's my view, I'm actually quite happy with my views on that topic.  Others may or may not like it, but I don't care, it's mine and I'm sticking by it and that's important. 

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Aim, Target, Write...

Oh well, here we are in November, the clocks have gone back and it's getting dark by 5 O'Clock, winter is upon us.  So this is the first post this month and really I should try and get up to 500 posts by the end of the calendar year.  This year has already been one of the most productive in this blog.  Mainly due to the horrible spring that I had this year.  

So where do I find myself today or should that be tonight?  Well it's a funny place to be honest and one I've been in since probably Wednesday last week.  I think I want to talk to someone, communicate with someone about anything really.  I'm not feeling terribly lonely, but I just wish to engage with the outside world.  It isn't much to ask really is it?  Well perhaps it is, when I consider who I am, what I have done and how I've been, but hey what I've done and how I've been help define who I am, and that whilst I'd like to think was a good person, is open to debate by others.

I think one of my issues is that I've got nothing to do tonight, I've caught up with all the tv shows that I've been watching, I've not got any films that I want to watch, well that's not true, I have got films I want to watch, but the dvd's are with my niece, and well that's a tale for the next paragraph.

We were, well no I had spoke to her yesterday wondering if she wanted to go to see a local firework display as it was bonfire night, and she was up for it.  We've not done anything together since we went to see Harry Potter 7 part 2 or what ever.  So it would have been nice to go up, let her go on the fair if she had so wanted and watched the fireworks and come home.  She texted me in the afternoon,though to tell me her dad had decided to tell her then they were going to a neighbours house instead and she couldn't come.  Well I sort of expected that, but it was so late that it hurt.  So I stopped in instead and caught up on one or two things.  I know they (my sister and bro-in-law) don't like me, I know they don't like me talking to my niece, but they won't stop me as much as they try.  

That was then, I'm over it, but what to do tonight?  Well apart from write this I don't know.  I was hoping to watch something, but as I can't find where it is to watch then I'll have to wait till later in the week.  Not that I'm to bothered, but with Monday and Tuesday's being the busy days for watching tv, I'd be happier for one less show to watch.  Mind you I've added a show to Monday today, so I shouldn't moan too much when I'm still finding shows to watch.  I'll leave it here, I'm not sure what will happen, perhaps I'll find a film to watch, it's been a while since I watched Milk, or The Kids are Alright.  Maybe I'll go find a comedy to watch, I could do with something to chuckle at.  My goodness that's it, let's go find a chuckle brothers dvd to watch.  OK perhaps not.