Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Stark Reminder.

My previous entry was entitled fine line, and indeed it is a fine line as I've found out the past few days.  It may not be the most sensible thing I've done writing today, but I feel the need to let go and see if that helps rid me of the thoughts and negativity that are currently surrounding me.  I have to give everything a go right?  If not and I allow this to swamp me I'll fall into the hole again and that isn't what I want, it has taken me almost 9 months to really get out of it, no matter what I said back in April/May when I turned the corner, or at any point since I think until now I hadn't planted myself down as such.

So what has happened?  One comment, by a person has flipped the switch as such, and the crazy notion of it all, is that the comment was ultra positive and was meant to please me, which in an odd way it did.  However the consequences of that comment have been far more wide reaching and once again self doubt, self loathing and general self pity have been creeping into my head ever since.  This was reinforced on Tuesday when a menial every day task ended in me being quite shocked, quite upset and fearful.  The self doubts ran rather than crept, the loathing jumped from the basement up to the top floor and the self pitying had a party as I reclused myself in my flat with the exception of one essential trip to the hospital for phsyio.  

What am I going to do about it?  I mean over the next few weeks it's going to be the same, near enough every week and that;'s going to be tough to beat, I don't know if or how I'm going to deal with it, other than to become an early week recluse, but is that really the answer?  No, I want to be out and about, I've stress to often in here that I'm a sociable person, who likes the company of others and to be able to communicate beyond that of my keyboard and computer.  If I can sort my answer out quickly I may avert a disaster, and avoid another drepressive period, which wouldn't be helped by the fact Christmas is coming up.  Yes, that old chestnut Christmas.  Again previous entries have stated my dislike for this period, the false hood of friendships and family are exposed by words in cards and gifts sent, which are supposed to show how much people care about each other.  When in reality they don't care, they hate and dispise you, but it's Christmas and we grit our teeths to show a united happy front to the world.  

I could do without Christmas and a depressive state meeting up, so how to do that?  Try not to self pity, loath and doubt myself.  Refrain from negative thoughts about things that have happened move on, and don't try and think about the consequences of other people's actions.  That's easy enough to write, that's easy enough to say, and I've said it to myself today already, and here I am writing this.  I'm going to go for a walk this morning once my hair dries, and during that walk I'm going to not think negatively, to be positive and enjoy what looks like a beautiful day outside.  Go about my business with a smile and think silly things, as I did yesterday.  How one can look at a picture and ask where's wally and then link that to the old tv show The Adventure Game I'm not quite sure but I did, and that was not only odd and silly, but also a stark reminder of perhaps days gone by when yes everything wasn't quite right, but I was quite far away from the fragile fine line that borders the sane and insane, the happy and sad. 

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