Sunday, November 27, 2011

Push and Pull

So here we are again, another morning a bright clear morning the sun is bright and not a cloud in sight.  Though I've not ventured out yet, I'm distinctly aware that it's cold outside.  I think the neighbours eldest proved that by only being out for 10 minutes or so practising her netball skills in the back garden.  With hat, scarf and gloves on, she happily shot some hoops with equal amount of failure and success.  

I've noticed in myself a distinct trait that I don't know if I like or not over the past week or so.  It's really strange and one to explore.  It's pushing and pulling and whilst I'm sure I've done in the past I've only recognised it now.  I don't know why I do it, perhhaps I'm scared, perhaps it's a natural occurance in everyone, but I've found myself doing it this week, and whilst I'm possibly happy doing, I also feel a sense of guilt, which is nibbiling away at me as I hate to be so nasty, as that isn't in my nature.  Well I say that I've had to have some sort of nastiness in me, to be as cold as I am at times, but that I think has always been an act.

The worse part for me is the pushing, as that's not fair, and whilst I am trying to write and think about it, I'm being drawn back to one notion that it's a defence mechanism, and it's kicking in, but why it's kicked in this week I don't know?  I really don't?  Though I've identified where I'm pushing, I've no reason to feel threatend, or endangered or at least I didn't think I did.  Perhaps my own misguided senses are playing games with me, and that it's those that are causing me to do this and that of course concerns me as obviously I could have done this before and if I have, to what cost have I done so?  Maybe that's why I'm in the position I am right now?  Maybe that's why I'm here writing rather than enjoying other things?  Oh now that's a thought, but I've got to accept that what has gone on, has done so and I won't be able to reclaim back, damage has been done and it's time to move forward.  

Oh now that's a bold statement, but lets see how we go on, and now I've identified this I'll see it again and again, but having seen it, I'll be able to deal with it and perhaps prevent myself from going to far?  I hope so as that could be the trick the one time I do stop and joy could be beholdeth. 

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