Wednesday, May 31, 2006


You go to work, and you have set hours to work. You get paid for those hours that you work and anything over you can either have them paid also or take off time to make up the hours. I have no option, but to take time off, but that's nothing that bothers me too much, I've known that for a while now.

There is however days when you wish you were paid for the times you work longer than you should and yesterday was one of them. It was a strange sort of day, in that I went into work early to sort out the previous weeks admin. I would do that on a Monday normally, but due to that being a Bank Holiday here, it was Tuesday this week. The intention was to do that and speak to the project manager over my decision not to drive the minibus any more. What happens? The day becomes elongated and I end up working all the way through till 5.45pm.... That was from 10.30. Ok, it's not a long day by any stretch of the imagination and the work I did wasn't physically taxing, but what it lacked in that situation it more than gained in the fact that it's going add so many more hours to my time sheet, and I'll end up being moaned at for increasing the amount of toil I'll have to take up sooner rather than later.

It can't be said that I'm not trying to reduce the hours I have in terms of over time, I took last Friday off to go shopping with my mum to reduce the hours and now this week will see me probably make up the hours that I took off last week. The swing and roundabout situation occurs and I take the flak. Still it does mean that later in the year, or should I say after play schemes I'll be taking time off again to enjoy myself.

So what else happened yesterday? Well I spent the night with my neice as she stopped over at my mum's. It was a really nice pleasant evenning to be honest. I bought tea for everyone, including my sister, as she shared a portion of fish and chips with my mum, whilst Amelia had her normal sweet and sour chicken. Once that had been digested and a ice cream lolly ate, we settled down for 10 minutes watching the end of a re-run of "The Gladiators", she's not seen them before seeing as she's only 9. So with that over it was into another room for me to finish a chapter of Harry Potter, before we returned to the living room and started to play cards. We sat down and played for well over an hour, and although she took both my mum and I to the preverbial cleaners, it was fun just to sit down and spend time with her.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


I've rested up more today than I did yesterday. I know that's difficult but I have and to be honest I'm real cool over that. I'm in work tomorrow, well later this morning to be more honest, but I don't care about the time right now. I'm not really working tomorrow till around 3.30pm anyway and then I suspect it will be a quiter group than normal.

Amelia is sleeping over at mum's tomorrow and I've suggested to her that we go for a Chinese for tea, so if she wants that I'll take her and mum can go out. I'll look after her. It's not often I get that chance, so I've got to make the most of it. The more I do the more I'll get the chance to see her later in life I guess. She's a great kid and one who I love equally as much as anyone else on this planet. In fact probably more than anyone else, and that includes Lisa. That shows how much she means to me.

No hockey tonight which is freaking me out. I kind of got use to it and I know I said other wise earlier today, but this is almost like the lock out again. I'm just so not used to it again. No hockey full stop it's not normal, what am I going to do during the off season?? Re-watch video's of the Oilers in the Stanley Cup finals? Well that depends on us winning 4 of the next 7 games.

Monday, May 29, 2006


Day of Rest

It's the second bank holiday of May here in the UK, and so I intend today to be a day of rest. I know that I may go and watch a game of football near my mum's place for charity, but that's the only plans I've got. Well almost, if Amelia is coming around for tea at mum's I may do a BBQ for her, but that's about it.

The weather although not hot, has been dry the past couple of days and it's always nice to do something different. It's been a while since we cooked over charcoal. Tonight's going to be quite strange, for the first time in ages the Oilers won't have a game of hockey to play. I've got into the routine of game night, not game night, game night and to have that broken is almost pleasing. I can rest up with the players and get myself ready for the Stanley Cup finals.

As for me, I'm riding the train that has no destination on, and though that's strange it's also pleasing to know that I'm not heading into a long dark tunnel down a hill. I can see where I am right now, and though the next down hill section could be around the next corner, my eyes are wide open and taking in the views.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Now You're Going to Believe US!

Teemu finally bows down in front of the Oilers and accepts his fate. After bad mouthing us all series he finally realises that he was wrong. It's just a pleasure to accept your appologies now!


that's sweet

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Away in a Duck Pond

So the day has dawned, and the night has fallen and in the good old US of A the Oilers play the Ducks. I mix the days up, as it's day in Southern California and night time here, but who really cares?? I'm drinking so this is a bit of a tippsy post, not that I've not done that before.

Today hasn't been great, but it hasn't been bad and that's almost good. I know that things aren't perfect, and that they could be better, but I don't care. I'm breathing and that is better than not. I've beat the blues and problems of the past few weeks. I'm actually starting to see a light, it's in te distance, but who gives two shakes of a donkey's tail?

The Oiler play game 5 of 7, 3-1 up and aiming to clinch the series. It would be quite the acheivement for them to do so, and one which bodes well for the future. I can see great things happening to Edmonton in the next few seasons. I can't figure out if it's the coaching or the pure talent of the guys that's got us so far. I don't care if the rest of the hockey world are against us, the ABO's can say what they want, but at the end of the day they are jealous that the Oilers can somehow maintain a history, whilst being a small market team.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Round and Round

Well it was an ok day I guess, the weather wasn't great, but then can we ever guarentee that in the UK? It was raining to begin with, but as the day wore on, the weather improved, but that was only by the time we were in the car coming home.

Preston, which was our first port of call was ok, but the market wasn't as good as it was the last time I was there, which was a flea market day. Still the indoor section was ok, and though we didn't stop too long in either parts it was nice to see a proper market. The majority of markets have been lost in and around Manchester. After a wander around the town centre looking in various shops we stopped for a cup of tea, before heading back to the car and then onto Southport.

Southport wasn't what I remember it too be. Maybe it's so long since I've been, but it's not as traditional as it used to be. The shopping arcades are still very victorian and look very nice. Well the buildings are nice, but in need of a good clean. The shops however are all very much the same as every where else, long gone it seems the local shops, which is similar to most towns these days. Why have we become such a country where the big chains dominate the towns and cities of this land, the city centre shopping experiences are no longer unique, and it's criminal that every where has lost it's individuality.

We had lunch in a cafe on the main street in Southport, much to my annoyance, but I know my mum couldn't walk much more without something to eat. I really would have liked to have found a pub to eat in, but it wasn't to be I guess. Still it was quite pleasant where we ate, with the exception of the service, which really angered me. I don't mind people forgetting things, but just because we've reminded them, doesn't give them the right to throw things at you. I nearly walked out without paying for that.

The drive home, though longer than I wanted was really nice as it came through all the towns rather than boring drives up and down the main highways. It was a throw back to my holiday.

I guess now it's up to me to find somewhere else to try for the next visit, some where perhaps where neither my mum or I have been, so although the shops will be the same, the town will be totally different.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Girl say NO!

I did it, I said no to someone above me at work and you know what it really felt good, though I know that it will in the long run hurt me. I don't care right now, I'm going to be doing something I want instead of something work wants and that's good. I have to give me time, it's something that I've never really done on a regular basis and I think the posts directly after my holiday shows how much I owe it to myself to have ME time.

My mum and I are going to go to Preston and Southport, so that should be quite nice, and somewhere on the way we'll have lunch. I intend not to go into a mainstream restaurant, and do something like I did on my holidays and find a little pub for some good old English pub grub. That would be fun and with my mum for company I can have some company and not feel compelled to move on as quickly as possible.

I've got my blood test results back and the liver function tests which I sort of expected to be high have come back a bit less than I expected, but when they are in a range of 1-50 and the score comes back at 198, it's a bit of a concern. Still the medication that I'm on is supposed to raise the levels, so I suspect that the results would have been around 95 or so normally. My liver is unique and mine, but that doesn't mean it's healthy does it?

Hockey night for me, so I'll be off to bed shortly as I can't listen to the start of the game for reasons already explained in these posts. I've got to get some sleep in prior to the game. I hope the Oilers have rested up and the flu bug has left town, or will be leaving town with the Ducks.. Is it time to start thinking of new banners? I hope so............

Am I now Assertive

I sit before my pc, about to write this and eat my breakfast at the same time. A good old bacon butty, nothing better for breakfast, cept perhaps a full English breakfast.

As stated in my previous post, I had training on Tuesday, on how to be assertive and self confidence. The former didn't work, but I do feel that when the opportunity arises, I'll be ready to say no. Though on Tuesday itself on returning to work, when the opportunity arose to say NO, I didn't. That though was exceptional circumstances to which I can not expand on, but it wasn't something I would have said No too at any point.

The training itself wasn't that bad to be honest, but it did little if anything for my self confidence. That I fear is down to me, but I don't think it was about that in the whole, it was more about being assertive. That should be easier from now on in, but to build up my self confidence is going to be tough. I guess it's at an all time high at the moment, but that would only go as far as contentment, nothing more. I can't like myself, let alone love myself. It's taken me years to get to contentment, but to be able to like or love myself is another matter completely.

So the Oilers march on, game 3 was won on Tuesday and that leaves them 1 game away from the Stanley Cup finals for the first time since 1990, which of course they won. I'm starting to think that this run isn't going to end, but it's going to be one hell of a ride between now and it's end. I can see a couple of unforseen twist and turns, before the brakes are applied. I don't care mind you, it just makes me realise how much I love hockey and how good it will be to have a local hockey team, who although I won't feel the passion for as I do the Oilers, I'll be more than happy to go and watch in and around the country.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Helping Hand?

The past few days I've not been too vocal, I've just not felt the desire to write something every day. I'm sorry if that's not encouraging to you folks to come back and read, but at times I just don't have the inclination to do that. This has been one of those points.

The past two days haven't seen much done, though that period has been fairly busy, it's not been overtly productive. I've relaxed, I've worked and managed to get some sort of progress with one of my one to one's. That in itself right now is huge, but overall it's nothing that I shouldn't be expecting from that child.

Today I'm off to Liverpool to do some training. I've got the disenfectant for when I get back later this afternoon. I know it sounds awful, but that place just gives me the creeps, it's probably the one place on this planet that I really don't like. It's not that I've ever had a bad time down there, in fact quite the opposite, it's just the place and the hatred between Manchester and Liverpool. You get that sort of rivalry all around the world I guess, and this is just the one which get's my blood boiling.

The training is about building self confidence and assertivness skills. I know this is something that I lack, well no lack isn't the correct term. I just don't have any of these skills and it should be interesting to see how they attempt to build these into me. Yes, I can say the right things to get myself through this, but will it stick with me, will it give me any help for the future? I don't know, I'll go into this with an open mind and hope that it can do to me, what few courses has done so far.

Sunday, May 21, 2006


During the past few weeks I've described a calm that has fallen upon me, and it's really odd. I know that I crave interaction with others, I crave friendship, friendships near and far, and yet recently during this calm period I've not craved this, I'm not at all bothered if I don't speak to anyone, I'm not bothered if I'm all alone, I'm just relaxed.

Does this mean anything?

Well could it be that I'm at last becoming contented with myself? I don't really know, I've got to accept or should I say I accepted the worst during the last few weeks that I'd managed to spoil the only friendship in the world that meant something special to me. I had to accept that I was alone in the world and that I had to live with it. I may have grown up a little in that period, I don't know, but one thing is for sure, I'm not the same person I was 8 or so weeks back. I'm different, I'm not desperate to chatter all day, I'm not desperate to fill in the gaps where I would once seek someone out.

I may not have altered in being me, and who I am, but I've altered my outlook me thinks and if that's good or if it's bad I don't care. The craving to be with someone isn't exactly there anymore. Yes, I say that and I know that it has so many connitations, but seriously right now I wouldn't jump into a relationship with someone just to fill the hole that was around me. It has to be right for me, and not just a filler. That again works with friendships as well. I don't need to be looking to push things with anyone just to occupy my time, I've got a light somewhere within me that I can find in the dark times and not get lost in my own perpetual darkness.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Feeling Lazy

Considering how stressed, how depressed I've been of late the last couple of days have been so chilled and I've been so lazy that I'm actually happy. I didn't go in work at all yesterday, but that was planned and obviously I'm not working today either.

I should point out that I left my pc on last night on going to bed, this time though at around 12.30am, this was a deliberate ploy though. I knew that at some point I'd wake up and listen to the Oilers game, but didn't want to listen from the start. I kept that thing going in this game, and it worked. The Oilers won, but as this game finished near 5am our time I quickly turned the pc off, and went back to bed.

Normally I'd not get back to sleep, but today was different, I didn't wake up till just turned 8.30am, which is almost a lie in for me, but in actual time slept I probably had as much as I normally do. So this morning I've just spent looking on a couple of sites, not many, I've not even had any music on, which is kind of odd for me. I've just sat listened to the outside world relaxed. I'm in no real mood to do much else to be honest. I didn't have any breakfast till past 10am and have only just now finished washing myself and getting dressed and it's coming up to midday. This is so unlike me, that it's good.

The Oilers won, and that's important.... A road win in the conference finals now gives us the edge in the series, and all we have to do now is win our home games and we are in the Stanley cup. This is now getting seriously good, just as I am making a closure on my United season and also my life with United almost, the Oilers are restoring my faith in sport. With each win, the world around me opens up brighter than it has been for ages. Keep this up you Oilers and make this world a happy one.

As for me, things feel rather muted at the moment, which isn't too bad, the equalibriam is there, which was lost last week, I'm quickly finding my calm again. The tidal wave that hit me, may have swept me off my feet, but it hasn't drowned me just yet.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Return

Like people that you don't want to hear from, depression returns when you least want it too or expect it too. In the previous posts this week, I've mentioned how good I felt I was doing and told both my line manager at work and my doctor the same thing. You folks out there in the world at large that for some reason read these posts will have seen a change in me recently.

Well unfortunately I'm back in the land of the depressed, in fact I'd probably say I've gone back to where I started on the dark path a month or so ago now. This has nothing to do with the original reason for my depression, in fact this is quite simply a nothing, but it's hit me hard, and it's really effected me. After an incident at work this week, I feel that I'm being blamed for it, and there is nothing else I can do to alter that. For all my manager telling me otherwise I can't take away the first response I got from her and thus I feel that I'm being blamed for it.

That in itself shouldn't be suffice to set me off, but it upset me enough to spiral me, and then a secondary incident on the same day that I got blamed for the first accident just spun me. I've not stopped falling since. I was physically sick on Wednesday after work, due to the stress. I also had a headache all night Wednesday, and was in bed for 8.40pm...... I think I was possibly 7 or 8 when I last went to bed that early. Though not as stressed out as I was over what has happened, I'm still very much in the folds of another bout of depression having fought the previous variation of it. I'm retreating into the shell again and this place is going to be the solace for me I feel. So if I repeat things that I've said recently on my journey to the light, I'm sorry.

The ray of sunshine throughout this though has been the Oilers, fighting off everyone to march into the conference finals for the first time since 1992. This is a magical run and one that I'm proud to follow. It's my Oilers, it's the team that very few fans follow, more so in Manchester than say London. It's very strange, as even within a dedicated hockey community of a few thousand, I'd say only 2 or 3 of us are Oilers. I'm one of the few that will wear my Oiler shirts with pride, and even more so than ever before. I just hope this run goes on and on, as come July when I meet up with some of the old crowd, if this run goes the distance, I can hear the chatter now, of "the Oilers won, what's going on!" "That was something special", "Did ya see that goal?", "Where can I find more Oiler info out, I've become an Oiler fan". That though is the future, and that's defined by the present, and the present is game 1 tonight of the conference finals. It could all fall apart from here, so I'm going to be listening with interest tonight.

I should shout this out here, but I'm not going too. Well I am, I've read a beautiful post over at Loxy's page. Go read about her friends, and how she's lost touch. Whilst simple and nothing too deep, it's really beautiful and rings very true with myself, and I'm sure with others who'll read it. Please take a couple more minutes after finishing here to take a look at that post, take it for what you will, but it's one of the best post's I've read in ages, anywhere. Oh and to take something else from Loxy for this once.... I'm going to use one of her idea's today.

Song for the Moment,
The End - The Doors

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I Predict A Riot

Riot's on the streets of Edmonton, Riots on the streets of Barca, Riots on the streets of Paris.... Riots in the name of sports all over the world for vary similar reasons. I don't care about Paris or Barca, they were soccer related, the biggest sporting event of the day was game 6 in the Conference semi's of the Stanley cup. Edmonton win, a big goose egg from Roli, possibly the most suprising part of the match. I've been a harsh critic of Roli, and I'm not 100%, but hey who cares he's winning games right now, and that's all that's important.

As for me, I'm out of it right now, I've had a real bad couple of days at work and if I'm honest it's knocked me back to where I was just prior to me starting the AD's. I'm really upset by it, and I'm making myself sick with the stress, and that's not like me. It's so unlike me that I was in bed at around 8.40pm. I think I was around 7 or 8 when I last went to bed at that time. It's something that is of a concern, but I've got a trump card to play in work later today, I'm not going to be popular but I don't care, I've got to do what is best for me.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Less Traffic

Yesterday saw less traffic than the previous day, but I didn't expect anywhere near 100 hits again. I'm really unsure of what went on there. I suppose that it could have been some class somewhere looking at various pages and finding mine and using it for as some sort of example. What they could possibly find I don't know but hey it's more hits here and more people reading what they've seen.

This as has been stated all along isn't about what others think, though at times I've asked for that, it's about me being able to express my emotions and moods, in a form that I can't possibly express to anyone else. Right now, the tablets that I've been using are certainly helping me, and though I could go for ages writing about how good I am, or how I feel over this that and the other, it would be pointless in terms of using my gut emotions to propell what I'm writing. Deep inside the pain that was my depression has dispersed and I'm feeling on a much more even keel. I guess that by sorting out the initial problem has helped, but that I fear was just the key, which switched the engine on.

My life is a lot more even than I would care to admit to myself I think. I do much the same things week in week out and my current mood isn't bad. How much of that will alter if or when I come off the AD's I don't know, but certainly right now I'm feeling rather chipper. That in itself is unique for me, but it's perhaps not the chipper that most people will contend with, I accept that for me it's possibly lesser, and that's down to self confidence and how I perceive myself. That I hope may be addressed next week, when I go on a course designed to improve my own self confidence build up my self esteem.

That is something that I have never had and it's something that I could do with. Though circumstances have never been with me on those, and some of you can possibly understand why. My history has many a cause and consequence on how I live my life, and it certainly effects my self confidence and esteem. Yet, the one thing that is really odd, is once I feel comfortable within a group or in a situation, you'll probably find it very hard to tell that I'm shy and very low in terms of confidence and esteem. I'm a duel edged sword in many ways.

Sunday, May 14, 2006


What one earth has gone on? 100 views of my page yesterday, when the record had been something like 20 previously. Wow that was some explosion, I just hope to maintain some of those people who came and saw yesterday as regular readers, it's not perhaps everyone's cup of tea, but if you got enough out of it to return then I feel that I've acheived something.

So what of yesterday it wasn't the greatest of days to be honest, though it didn't bring many problems it brought about a robbery in Cardiff yet again, and a painful one. I can't say anymore, it's too painful, but let's just rest assured the crime was seen by millions and those who committed the crime are known to the police. Not that it will make any difference to them.

The good weather we had seems to be at an end and the subtle different shades of grey have descended upon the world outside. Just as my world becomes devoid of grey the world outside takes it upon itself to respond to my changes by trying to temp me back to where I was. I won't be returning there for a while yet, the train may be going slowly up the hill, but it's going up, it's got the power to continue to the top of the hill and while we are going up this hill I've got builders maintaining the high ground for me when I reach the summit.

Not a huge day today for me, probably more the same as normal, in that I'll do very little, listen to music and possibly go do some shopping. I need some teabags, bread, milk and cheese. That's a weeks shopping for me right now, and it's all I really need. Off to my mum's later to watch 24 with her and then of course home to bed. The Oilers play tonight, but as has become the norm I'll not listen to the game unless it goes to OT and they are still playing when I get up.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

What's this? Rain in Manchester

As I awoke this morning at around 5am, I heard the pitter patter of rain on my window. I hadn't heard that for ages, maybe as the weather has been so good of late that the window has been open for near enough 5 days now, that I heard it this morning as opposed to other rainy days in the past.

Still it's going to sound really weird to say I'm glad it's raining and that we've had some thunder and lightening. The past week or so has been really hot, a mini heat wave was predicted and that is what we've had. While heat waves are enjoyable, the other side is that the air becomes so stiffling that a thunder and lightening storm refreshes the batteries, and of course I love the thunder and lightening. In fact, the sheer joy of seeing it, more often than not takes me out into the middle of it, to experience the power of it. I just love the new smells you find after such a storm. So today is going to be a really nice and pleasant day.

Of course the problem with the above is that it's a Saturday and I've no work to go to, no plans for a trip or anything. Today is a day of rest, so why the hell was I awake at 5am, and up at around 5.40? A lie in would have been nice, sometime to unwind and relax after the week gone by, but no that isn't the case for me, I'm up at the earliest sign of light. I'm telling you it isn't always that good waking up at that time.

What else has gone on? Well the Oilers won again, so that makes it 2-2 in the series with the Sharks, I'm really getting into this now, and am looking forward to Sunday's game in San Jose, if we can steal that one against the head, then I'd feel even more confident. As each game goes by the more and more I'm getting excited, and of course the closer the chance of winning the cup comes. I think for most Oiler fans we've done what we wanted to do this year and that was to get to the play-off's, and even to win a play-off series, but as it stands right now anything could happen, even the thing that most thought was only a dream way back in September of last year.

Work is going ok for me right now, it's not the greatest, but it's ok. I've got supervision on Monday, which I am guessing might see me kicked in the teeth. For me I've done little to upset people, I've tried to join in etc, but 9 times out of 10 when I'm feeling good or at least ok about things I get kicked in the teeth. So I await with baited breath as to what this month's supervision holds for me.

Away from work how is my life? Well it's on more of an even keel than it has been for a while. I'm now convinced that the medication is helping and not just the AD's. So I guess that I'll go and see my doctor this week at some point and explain to her that I need to maintain the AD's for at least another month or so, till I think that I can live without them again. I won't stay on them forever, that's a dangerous game and I don't tend to enjoy being on them any longer than 3 months at a time, but that's mainly due to the fact that the other AD's that I've had in the past have taken up to a month to actually kick in. These have kicked in almost straight away and that's really helped. My only concern of course is that as one of the side effects is suppose to raise the results of any liver function tests that I have carried out. Considering the way my liver operates it's a slight worry that it may screw it up again, but hey let's see what happens when I get my bloods tested this week.

Friday, May 12, 2006

TFI Friday

It hasn't been that bad of a week, but I'm glad it's coming up to the weekend, and a couple of days rest. I've been running around most days and the weather has been really good. Most of the time I've felt exceedingly hot and bothered, and I'm sure had it been cold I'd be moaning all the same.

No this weekend is about rest and recovery me thinks, as I've been incredibly tired over the past few days, and I can't even say it's too much recovery. Maybe it's the weather I don't know, but I'm sleeping again, well longer than normal for me and that can only be good for the old body.

This week on the other side of the coin has been good emotionally and it's been a very strong week. I've come through possibly my darkest hours with a little rainbow at the end of it, and I'm sure I'm going to find the pot of gold soon enough. I guess that my own perception of the world needs a jolt out of the blue to kick start it into the same sort of world as everyone else lives in, but I can for the time being live with it. I'm still not that talkative, but that's through choice and timing I guess.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Up and Running

I'm sorry for the slight delay in posts on here of late, I'm sure that you all want to know what is going on? Well to tell you the truth, not much, but the past few days have been interesting.

Monday night I did go out and see the concert with my friend, and to be honest I really enjoyed the music. It was very odd though, as it was clearly a nu-metal gig, but to me the music was more punk that metal, perhaps it's my age I don't know? I did complain about the strobe lighting at one point, and the bass was making the drinks on the bar jump, but that I could cope with. Strobe lighting that was aimed at the back of the room, which was hitting me straight in the eyes. I had to turn around and just listen, and it wasn't just me the bar staff weren't happy about it either!! No one had been told of the strobe lights, and I think had we, we'd have been ready for them.

So Monday night I eneded up sleeping at my mum's with my friend. Tuesday morning I took her to the station, and then went into work for some training, that lasted the whole day and left me with only a little time before my group started. That made Tuesday a long day, and meant that the hours I put in on Monday to help out were sort of wasted as I was going to get my weekly hours on Tuesday as it was. Still as I was working on Monday I'm going to claim for them. By the time I got in here on Tuesday I was quite weary and couldn't muster the thought to write.

Yesterday, Wednesday was another busy day. I had an appointment at 10am, so I finished watching something at around 9.20 and left. On leaving I realised that the need for new trainers were vital, so after the appointment, I went down to the Lowry shopping mall, as they've got a good Nike shop. Nike are good in terms of selling very high sized shoes for women. Not many brands go up to 10's, well not unless you really go looking. The Nike shop always has a good range of mainly out of range trainers, but at reduce prices. Added to this they are currently offering buy one, get another half price. So yesterday I spent £30($60 cdn) on two pairs of trainers which should have been £95(£190 cdn). I was quite happy with that deal.

We had yet another meeting at work, before I had some proper work to do. Again on coming home I was a bit tired and not too interested in posting here, but I did know that this morning would be different, so I ignore here last night. I'm sorry if you guys have been popping back in to see the latest updates, and found I've been quite quiet, but it's only been a little blimp I promise.

On to today, and as I'm not in work till aorund 5pm, I'm going to take my mum shopping somewhere, where I'm not 100% sure, but hey let's go for it. I woke up this morning expecting to see the result of the latest Oilers game. I couldn't they had gone into 3rd OT. So I put the radio on and it was only on a short time before they Oilers clinched the game with a goal from Shaun Horcoff, what a star, make him the Lord of Edmonton for that one. Wow, that could be THE goal! We're up and running in the series now and the next game on Friday is going to be so special.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Step Forward

Progress however small is always something to be happy about. This morning I've had some progress, and you know what it's really nice to move forward. I no longer feel as if I've crashed my world into a sun, and I can at last feel safe again, all be it from a differing perspective.

I'm not the person I was a couple of weeks ago, I'm not the person I was yesterday, I'm me and if that's the way it's going to be then so be it. I've had a weight taken from my shoulder and hey it isn't half good to say it feels great.

More on this later, I'm sort of trying to lose the light headed feeling. I've got to go sort a few things out, but I'll post more tomorrow or later on. It depends on how today pans out.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Cold Turkey

Today will see the start of cold turkey for myself. It's the last day of the soccer season, which isn't normally that bad, but this season isn't a normal season, it's the last one as a season ticket holder. I've been sat in the same seat at OId Trafford for 26 years now, and it's going to be a trauma next season when I'm not going every other week, to watch United. I know for sure that I'll probably end up in tears at the end of the game, for all the wrong reasons.

Taking that away from life, things are well certainly more tranquil than they have been, I'm more at ease with myself, I've even opened the door to myself, though I'm not saying I'm going to answer it to anyone soon, but the door is open. I'm still at a tricky point in my rehabilitation and till I'm happy, I've got to be careful about it.

One interesting note is that due to the start of BST, I'm now seemingly returning to waking up at around 5am every morning. I'm not setting my alarm clock or anything, I think it's due to my bed being opposite the window and the daybreak is making my body think it's time to get up. I guess that I can live with it, as I did last summer. The AD's and the other medication are helping me cope better with things like this again and till I'm 100% I'm not going to jump ship as such, life is almost important to me. Still getting up this early is nice on some days, and if I get into some sort of fitness routine, then I could follow Lisa's lead and get out early of a morning to do some exercises, even if it is just a walk.

Friday, May 05, 2006

I'm just got no satisfaction

Having left this place alone for a couple of days, it seems like a life time has passed by, but is that a good or bad thing? I don't know, I don't care and to be honest it doesn't matter.

I've done nothing different over the past couple of days, just got on with my life, though yesterday I did spend some time contemplating a decision that would have implications with my financial situation, if something is offered to me. It was me being generous beyond all means, but nothing has been sorted, and I don't think it will come to that, but you never know.

It's now 3 weeks since my world caved in, and 3 weeks since I accepted that life couldn't go on like it was at that time. I've spent 3 weeks in relative silence, only breaking that here, in the redcafe, oilfans or in a couple of emails to a couple of people. Whilst I hate being alone, it's not effecting me as much as I thought it would and the main part is that at the moment I'm quite contented, may not be satisfied, but I'm content.

Since returning to all my medication at the start of last week, I've found a change in me, and that's good. I'm not sure it's just the AD's that are doing the job either, I honestly think my other medication, which was stopped due to my liver problems is having a good effect on me. I'm starting to respond to comments and making funny comments about lots of things again. I'm starting to be a person again, rather than a lump of flesh. Let's hope it continues.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Where Am I?

The past week or so haven't seen me posting anything really intense, nor has it seen me falling into the hole that is despair too much. I've managed to disengage myself from the whole life thing and take a look at myself again. This has inpart been due to the introduction of the AD's I'm sure and also partly due to the phsychological aspects of being told that they are going to work quickly.

Whilst not being truely positive, I am spinning around in terms of my outlook on things again. I'm learning to live without part of my life that I've had to date. I'm adjusting to not having a crutch other than myself, it's not easy, but one thing I am enjoying is the solitude. I am in a position to dictate with whom and when I communicate. I know that I have a problem with someone at the moment, not related to the the major problem, but that will be sorted out shortly, or at least at the end of the month. Being in charge of my life seems to be something that is growing on me. I can see that already, in that on Thursday night, the United reserve team are playing at Old Trafford, to which I wanted to go and watch, but only on the way home from there on Monday did I realise that I would be working. Now that isn't a problem, it isn't important as such, but not being able to do something that I want to do and can have control of is frustrating. I can see I'm enjoying being in charge.

This is a new sensation for me, but one which does scare me. Am I going to change as a person full stop? Will I become even more of a recluse? I think so to be honest, I'm not going to go out anywhere or with anyone! Why not? Well who is there to go out with and when? I've not spoken to a friend who wants to come down, and it was suggested last week that it be this weekend, but I've not got back to her. I don't know if it's choice or just not, but I'm not desperate for the contact, well I am, but it's different to previous occasions, or it's just the medication working. I really don't know what to think on that front.

I'm writing this from within as it's my best way of writing and also it's where I divert the best from and move with each word. As I write this today I'm seeing different aspects of my life come together and also fall apart. I wrote the above paragraph and could easily wipe it out, as it makes little or no sense right now, but it's an important stage in this post. I need to keep it in. It's the way things are right now with me. I've got to a point where I contradict lots of things about myself, and it's something that only I can understand. This leads to problems in so many different ways. I mean look at the above paragraph. I want contact with people, as I do get incredibly lonely, but the contact that I want has to be correct, it has to be secure for me, or else I won't open to it. How can I make an example of this? Well let's say at work, which isn't the ideal environment, but the only one that I can think of right now. I enjoy the contact with my colleagues, but is it the correct contact? Do I feel secure with it? Well no, I don't feel secure and 90% of the times I'm asked to go out i.e. on social events I will back out, why? Well apart from the financial aspect, it's not something I feel secure with. Security can be linked to self confidence, which is something I've got to work on, but that shouldn't stop me from going out.

Whilst writing this now, I can see that although I feel very much better within myself, that I've not moved on that much. I'm still questioning things, still looking deeper within things than perhaps I should do. I'm getting better, no doubt about that, but I don't think I've moved as far as I thought I had. The medication is making things easier to cope with, but by hiding the problems I'm not searching for an answer, if indeed that is what I want, and of course if an answer is out there. Oh you now see almost what I'm doing with my life right now. I'm searching for answers which may or may not exist, and if they don't do I continue to look for them or not? How will I know if they are not out there? If I realise they are not out there, then what next? Of course I could just claim that the answer is 42, but that's the easy way out.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Morning after the morning before

Having grabbed at least 90 minutes sleep last night, please excuse my post this morning if it isn't up to standard. I'm still running on adrenaline, and feeling so good knowing the Oilers won. I'm still a little stunned at it to be honest, but that's the best part of it. I may have predicted it, but I really didn't have any conviction in my own prediction.

So what of yesterday? Another slow day, which was punctuated by sport. It's almost a revision back to the trusted likes and the trusted means of helping myself out when I need it most. Life's about helping oneself, and recently I've had to learn to do so by myself and has it helped? A little.

Work today and I'm sure it's going to be fun. I've got my group tonight, which is getting better each week, though with a quick glance out of the window the idea of going to a park, may not be the best idea. I hope the weather improves as the group deserves to go out today. I'm sure it's going to be ok. I can't recall the last time I described work as fun, so something must be working........

Do I Care?

Do I care that I've hardly slept? Do I care if I don't think I'll sleep tonight? No, why not??

Edmonton Oilers 4 - 3 Detroit Red Wings..... Oilers win the series 4-2!!!!

4 goals in the last period and 2 goals in the last 4 minutes by Ales Hemsky, that's how to kill a team. The Oilers fans were so loud I could almost hear them over in England. Thank you the Oilers, that's how to enthuse someone who's been down of late. I could walk across the Atlantic to be at the party that's going to be taking place in Edmonton.

Monday, May 01, 2006

May the force be with me.

White rabbit and all of that jazz!!! I'm sure that I've said that before, and may even have started off a previous thread to the same effect, but it is the start of a new month and so something has to be done.

I'm hoping that May will be a better month for myself. I've gone through an awful April for what ever reason, and have really pushed myself down to the depths of despair over issues that I suspect are my own making. So I've got to do something to try and alter things AGAIN. That's the hardest thing in the world me thinks. Anyway, enough of that, I think the regular readers will be very aware, that I'm aware of it.

So what of the weekend? Well it wasn't exactly the greatest weekend in my life, but it got better towards the start of Sunday and maintained a steady balance through Sunday. First of all United lost to Chelsea, I can take that, but not the manner of the defeat, it was painful. It was a woeful performance in certain area's of the pitch and they need addressing for next year. Secondly it meant that Chelsea won the title, which is always twists the knife in my stomach, and then Wayne Rooney brakes his foot. That I can live with, as it gives him a rest from football, hopefully the whole summer.

What cheered me up, was hearing the Oilers beat the Wings in Detroit in game 5 of the play-off's. This puts the Oilers 3-2 up, with the next game being played tonight in Edmonton. It's going to be a late night for me as I listen to the game and hope we can advance tonight. It's a great feeling to have a team compete in the play-off's and to have a team advance is even better. It could set up the mother of all second rounds against Cowtown, which would certainly be fun. That would be a good old fashion hockey game if ever that description could be used outside of a certain record.

So with my sporting world equalised I rested through Sunday, not really having to do too much worrying over anything. I think the AD's are helping as are the other tablets that I've started taking again. Nothing illegal, just my normal prescription drugs, but I'd been off them for nearly 6 months and it was starting to show, so having had them cleared of not causing any problems to my liver, I've gone back onto them. With that and the fact that spring is upon us, the fresh leaves on the trees and the flowers growing just makes now a far more peaceful time for myself. Long may it reign over me.