Monday, May 15, 2006

Less Traffic

Yesterday saw less traffic than the previous day, but I didn't expect anywhere near 100 hits again. I'm really unsure of what went on there. I suppose that it could have been some class somewhere looking at various pages and finding mine and using it for as some sort of example. What they could possibly find I don't know but hey it's more hits here and more people reading what they've seen.

This as has been stated all along isn't about what others think, though at times I've asked for that, it's about me being able to express my emotions and moods, in a form that I can't possibly express to anyone else. Right now, the tablets that I've been using are certainly helping me, and though I could go for ages writing about how good I am, or how I feel over this that and the other, it would be pointless in terms of using my gut emotions to propell what I'm writing. Deep inside the pain that was my depression has dispersed and I'm feeling on a much more even keel. I guess that by sorting out the initial problem has helped, but that I fear was just the key, which switched the engine on.

My life is a lot more even than I would care to admit to myself I think. I do much the same things week in week out and my current mood isn't bad. How much of that will alter if or when I come off the AD's I don't know, but certainly right now I'm feeling rather chipper. That in itself is unique for me, but it's perhaps not the chipper that most people will contend with, I accept that for me it's possibly lesser, and that's down to self confidence and how I perceive myself. That I hope may be addressed next week, when I go on a course designed to improve my own self confidence build up my self esteem.

That is something that I have never had and it's something that I could do with. Though circumstances have never been with me on those, and some of you can possibly understand why. My history has many a cause and consequence on how I live my life, and it certainly effects my self confidence and esteem. Yet, the one thing that is really odd, is once I feel comfortable within a group or in a situation, you'll probably find it very hard to tell that I'm shy and very low in terms of confidence and esteem. I'm a duel edged sword in many ways.

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