The past week or so haven't seen me posting anything really intense, nor has it seen me falling into the hole that is despair too much. I've managed to disengage myself from the whole life thing and take a look at myself again. This has inpart been due to the introduction of the AD's I'm sure and also partly due to the phsychological aspects of being told that they are going to work quickly.
Whilst not being truely positive, I am spinning around in terms of my outlook on things again. I'm learning to live without part of my life that I've had to date. I'm adjusting to not having a crutch other than myself, it's not easy, but one thing I am enjoying is the solitude. I am in a position to dictate with whom and when I communicate. I know that I have a problem with someone at the moment, not related to the the major problem, but that will be sorted out shortly, or at least at the end of the month. Being in charge of my life seems to be something that is growing on me. I can see that already, in that on Thursday night, the United reserve team are playing at Old Trafford, to which I wanted to go and watch, but only on the way home from there on Monday did I realise that I would be working. Now that isn't a problem, it isn't important as such, but not being able to do something that I want to do and can have control of is frustrating. I can see I'm enjoying being in charge.
This is a new sensation for me, but one which does scare me. Am I going to change as a person full stop? Will I become even more of a recluse? I think so to be honest, I'm not going to go out anywhere or with anyone! Why not? Well who is there to go out with and when? I've not spoken to a friend who wants to come down, and it was suggested last week that it be this weekend, but I've not got back to her. I don't know if it's choice or just not, but I'm not desperate for the contact, well I am, but it's different to previous occasions, or it's just the medication working. I really don't know what to think on that front.
I'm writing this from within as it's my best way of writing and also it's where I divert the best from and move with each word. As I write this today I'm seeing different aspects of my life come together and also fall apart. I wrote the above paragraph and could easily wipe it out, as it makes little or no sense right now, but it's an important stage in this post. I need to keep it in. It's the way things are right now with me. I've got to a point where I contradict lots of things about myself, and it's something that only I can understand. This leads to problems in so many different ways. I mean look at the above paragraph. I want contact with people, as I do get incredibly lonely, but the contact that I want has to be correct, it has to be secure for me, or else I won't open to it. How can I make an example of this? Well let's say at work, which isn't the ideal environment, but the only one that I can think of right now. I enjoy the contact with my colleagues, but is it the correct contact? Do I feel secure with it? Well no, I don't feel secure and 90% of the times I'm asked to go out i.e. on social events I will back out, why? Well apart from the financial aspect, it's not something I feel secure with. Security can be linked to self confidence, which is something I've got to work on, but that shouldn't stop me from going out.
Whilst writing this now, I can see that although I feel very much better within myself, that I've not moved on that much. I'm still questioning things, still looking deeper within things than perhaps I should do. I'm getting better, no doubt about that, but I don't think I've moved as far as I thought I had. The medication is making things easier to cope with, but by hiding the problems I'm not searching for an answer, if indeed that is what I want, and of course if an answer is out there. Oh you now see almost what I'm doing with my life right now. I'm searching for answers which may or may not exist, and if they don't do I continue to look for them or not? How will I know if they are not out there? If I realise they are not out there, then what next? Of course I could just claim that the answer is 42, but that's the easy way out.