Sunday, May 21, 2006


During the past few weeks I've described a calm that has fallen upon me, and it's really odd. I know that I crave interaction with others, I crave friendship, friendships near and far, and yet recently during this calm period I've not craved this, I'm not at all bothered if I don't speak to anyone, I'm not bothered if I'm all alone, I'm just relaxed.

Does this mean anything?

Well could it be that I'm at last becoming contented with myself? I don't really know, I've got to accept or should I say I accepted the worst during the last few weeks that I'd managed to spoil the only friendship in the world that meant something special to me. I had to accept that I was alone in the world and that I had to live with it. I may have grown up a little in that period, I don't know, but one thing is for sure, I'm not the same person I was 8 or so weeks back. I'm different, I'm not desperate to chatter all day, I'm not desperate to fill in the gaps where I would once seek someone out.

I may not have altered in being me, and who I am, but I've altered my outlook me thinks and if that's good or if it's bad I don't care. The craving to be with someone isn't exactly there anymore. Yes, I say that and I know that it has so many connitations, but seriously right now I wouldn't jump into a relationship with someone just to fill the hole that was around me. It has to be right for me, and not just a filler. That again works with friendships as well. I don't need to be looking to push things with anyone just to occupy my time, I've got a light somewhere within me that I can find in the dark times and not get lost in my own perpetual darkness.

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