Friday, May 19, 2006

The Return

Like people that you don't want to hear from, depression returns when you least want it too or expect it too. In the previous posts this week, I've mentioned how good I felt I was doing and told both my line manager at work and my doctor the same thing. You folks out there in the world at large that for some reason read these posts will have seen a change in me recently.

Well unfortunately I'm back in the land of the depressed, in fact I'd probably say I've gone back to where I started on the dark path a month or so ago now. This has nothing to do with the original reason for my depression, in fact this is quite simply a nothing, but it's hit me hard, and it's really effected me. After an incident at work this week, I feel that I'm being blamed for it, and there is nothing else I can do to alter that. For all my manager telling me otherwise I can't take away the first response I got from her and thus I feel that I'm being blamed for it.

That in itself shouldn't be suffice to set me off, but it upset me enough to spiral me, and then a secondary incident on the same day that I got blamed for the first accident just spun me. I've not stopped falling since. I was physically sick on Wednesday after work, due to the stress. I also had a headache all night Wednesday, and was in bed for 8.40pm...... I think I was possibly 7 or 8 when I last went to bed that early. Though not as stressed out as I was over what has happened, I'm still very much in the folds of another bout of depression having fought the previous variation of it. I'm retreating into the shell again and this place is going to be the solace for me I feel. So if I repeat things that I've said recently on my journey to the light, I'm sorry.

The ray of sunshine throughout this though has been the Oilers, fighting off everyone to march into the conference finals for the first time since 1992. This is a magical run and one that I'm proud to follow. It's my Oilers, it's the team that very few fans follow, more so in Manchester than say London. It's very strange, as even within a dedicated hockey community of a few thousand, I'd say only 2 or 3 of us are Oilers. I'm one of the few that will wear my Oiler shirts with pride, and even more so than ever before. I just hope this run goes on and on, as come July when I meet up with some of the old crowd, if this run goes the distance, I can hear the chatter now, of "the Oilers won, what's going on!" "That was something special", "Did ya see that goal?", "Where can I find more Oiler info out, I've become an Oiler fan". That though is the future, and that's defined by the present, and the present is game 1 tonight of the conference finals. It could all fall apart from here, so I'm going to be listening with interest tonight.

I should shout this out here, but I'm not going too. Well I am, I've read a beautiful post over at Loxy's page. Go read about her friends, and how she's lost touch. Whilst simple and nothing too deep, it's really beautiful and rings very true with myself, and I'm sure with others who'll read it. Please take a couple more minutes after finishing here to take a look at that post, take it for what you will, but it's one of the best post's I've read in ages, anywhere. Oh and to take something else from Loxy for this once.... I'm going to use one of her idea's today.

Song for the Moment,
The End - The Doors

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