Monday, November 26, 2007

Stressed and Tired

Wow, it's been ages since I added to this page, but it's been ages since I added anything over on my myspace account as well. I've not been well, and am off work. I'm just getting my head around to where it should be. I know that I should have perhaps been using this place and the other place to sort myself out, before getting into the situation I am in right now, but it just couldn't happen.

I've got to accept that at some point or other writing things down just isn't enough and I can't take everything that everyone wants from me. I've got to give myself some time to relax and to let go. I've not had the time to do that for a while and though I enjoyed Newcastle and came back feeling better than I had prior to that event, I've not really given myself any space since then. So I'm here now off work with stress and trying to sort my head out.

I will try and catch up on events that went prior to me being off work, but they will have to wait, I'm writing today to get myself back into the idea of writing. I had ignored these sites for a while, whilst everything got on top of me and if this is the step to help me sort myself out, then this is the first step back I guess.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

I'm Not Sorry

So here I am again, another post another day. If I was to describe the mood I'm in, I'd find it difficult to put an actual word to it. To best describe it with various words and an analogy I'd probably compare it to a autumnal/fall tree. Some of the leaves are still full of life and very green, whiles it's compatriots are in a state of decay and are various shades of yellows, reds and oranges.

To expand on that, part of me is full of life and am very happy, whilst other aspects of me are in the process of collapsing and everything I had during those long gone summer months seems to be close to falling off and leaving me. If that's confusing then I'm sorry, my mood is confusing me right now. Just as I get back on track I do something that further accelerates the decay of some of my better moods.

However, sanctuary may be on hand, something came to me about 30 minutes ago, something that I should have realised many weeks ago, in fact I did realise this weeks ago, but haven't been able to do anything about it. One of the things that I set about doing with the help of my councillor was to stop apologising for anything and everything even if I didn't need to say sorry. Perhaps I mentioned it in here, or over at my other blog place, but at Hoxton in September, I kept saying sorry on the second night for things I know I didn't do, but others put into my head I had. I felt bad about myself, I couldn't shake that off me, and I am here now after at least 2 melt downs since then.

Last night I came in from work (long story, which I'm not going to go into here), and one of the first things I did was to telephone Lisa, and say sorry for a text message I sent her earlier in the day. For one I was driving when the text came through, secondly I was quite busy at the time, and lastly she was asking about a football score that I was trying to avoid. I didn't really sound rude in the text, it was just a plain text that wasn't really that nasty, I've certainly sent a lot worse out. However I called and left a message saying sorry. I then kept that up later in the day by apologising to my work colleague, for what I'm not 100% sure.

About 35 minutes ago now, I suddenly realised what I'd done yesterday and it hit home that perhaps since September when I made the first set of apologies for things I hadn't done or don't think I did, have I slipped back into the way I was at the start of the year. Is it that why I'm feeling so bad about myself? I think it could be, and if it is then I'm in a position to turn things round and possibly before Christmas. I'm off to see my councillor for the final time tomorrow, I've not seen her since July/August possibly now, certainly not since I lost control of everything in September. I have reason to be positive going into this meeting, I've got to survive on my own, I've made many attempts and failed, but at some point or other I need to succeed and there is no better time than this.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Here Comes Winter

It's the 11th month of the year, and the month where fall/autumn becomes winter. I've not been in a good mood of late as you may be aware, and it's around this time of year where my mood generally falls away further. I am attempting to maintain some sanity in my quest for peace, but it's not easy. Right now I may be over 60% of being happy, but that 40% that isn't is a huge factor in my life and can easily eat away at the happiness.

I can see where I need to go to be happy, but it's just maintaining my focus I guess. I know that I didn't enjoy Saturday as much as I should have and since then my health has failed me again, with the cold of a couple of weeks ago returning. I have managed to contain that I hope, but it's still demoralising to find that you haven 't quite beat the thing you thought you had. Much the same as depression, just as you think you've got it beat, something comes along and brings it back to you.

How depressed am I? I really don't know if I could claim to be depressed right now, not after the state of depressions I've had in the past. It's been a while since I have really considered suicide, which of course is good, but to get to that point I had to be very depressed and would have been so for months on end. However, it's now been what a couple of months since the trips to London that brought about the change within me (though I no longer blame the events, it must have been in me at the time), and though I'm not out of the dark and back into light it is something I can see.

So I write this accepting that I am depressed and that surely is a good sign, but I've done that before and still not learned my lessons from it. Other wise why would I have been seeing a councillor over the last year or so. Then again she has helped me move on and got through the rough times that I've had over the past couple of years. I can see how I am better than I was about 2 years ago. I feel that I can continue with life and maintain my sanity over the forthcoming months. It is important that I maintain area's to express both the negative and positives in my life.

I recently wrote in here about where I started this blog and thanked the likes of Erin and Janet, who were the inspirations for this blog, and at that time I was almost thinking of closing down this place. However it's only now on pure reflection that I can see the true value of this place, for while I can maintain two blogs going and both either sharing the joys or negatives of my life, it maintains the equilibrium of my sanity in place. That I'm sure is a good thing for those that know me personally.