Sunday, November 04, 2007

I'm Not Sorry

So here I am again, another post another day. If I was to describe the mood I'm in, I'd find it difficult to put an actual word to it. To best describe it with various words and an analogy I'd probably compare it to a autumnal/fall tree. Some of the leaves are still full of life and very green, whiles it's compatriots are in a state of decay and are various shades of yellows, reds and oranges.

To expand on that, part of me is full of life and am very happy, whilst other aspects of me are in the process of collapsing and everything I had during those long gone summer months seems to be close to falling off and leaving me. If that's confusing then I'm sorry, my mood is confusing me right now. Just as I get back on track I do something that further accelerates the decay of some of my better moods.

However, sanctuary may be on hand, something came to me about 30 minutes ago, something that I should have realised many weeks ago, in fact I did realise this weeks ago, but haven't been able to do anything about it. One of the things that I set about doing with the help of my councillor was to stop apologising for anything and everything even if I didn't need to say sorry. Perhaps I mentioned it in here, or over at my other blog place, but at Hoxton in September, I kept saying sorry on the second night for things I know I didn't do, but others put into my head I had. I felt bad about myself, I couldn't shake that off me, and I am here now after at least 2 melt downs since then.

Last night I came in from work (long story, which I'm not going to go into here), and one of the first things I did was to telephone Lisa, and say sorry for a text message I sent her earlier in the day. For one I was driving when the text came through, secondly I was quite busy at the time, and lastly she was asking about a football score that I was trying to avoid. I didn't really sound rude in the text, it was just a plain text that wasn't really that nasty, I've certainly sent a lot worse out. However I called and left a message saying sorry. I then kept that up later in the day by apologising to my work colleague, for what I'm not 100% sure.

About 35 minutes ago now, I suddenly realised what I'd done yesterday and it hit home that perhaps since September when I made the first set of apologies for things I hadn't done or don't think I did, have I slipped back into the way I was at the start of the year. Is it that why I'm feeling so bad about myself? I think it could be, and if it is then I'm in a position to turn things round and possibly before Christmas. I'm off to see my councillor for the final time tomorrow, I've not seen her since July/August possibly now, certainly not since I lost control of everything in September. I have reason to be positive going into this meeting, I've got to survive on my own, I've made many attempts and failed, but at some point or other I need to succeed and there is no better time than this.

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