Sunday, July 31, 2011

Time will Tell

The last day of the month, it's middle of the day and at last the clouds are breaking up and some blue sky can be seen. I guess it's a bit like my mood today, not that it's been dark and moody today, I'm just going on in general. The past few days have been quite difficult for me, and whilst I'm getting back into the swing of things the clouds are breaking and I can see the blue sky.

So where am I from Thursday, well I don't know and I'm still as grumpy over things and still as sure that I want to be all about me right now. I'm not as miserable as I was, but I've still got to be attentive of myself. Life is OK, I went walking yesterday and this morning and that's helped. Yesterday, I ended up walking a good 12 or so miles, during the middle of the day and ended up walking through more paths through Worsley woods and through more over grown path ways with nettles and thorny bushes. If I didn't find them, it was horse poop instead. Apart from that I did enjoy the walk, it was good to walk that far, and today I went back to the simple 4 mile route that I'm very comfortable with. I did that this morning before breakfast, and whilst perhaps I suffered due to the previous day's walk it did the job of ridding the rust off the legs.

I've just sat through a very pleasant hour and half of a radio show last night, and though i disagree with the final outcome of the public vote this week on the show, as I did last week, it was enjoyable listening and now one of the missing links has been filled in on the 5 Live virtual jukebox. We now need to fill in another very soon.

I can tell my mood is swinging again, I'm not writing this in any sort of flow and I fear that I may be repeating myself, not in terms of previous entries as I am sure I am, but I mean in this post. Still who cares, I'm writing as I want to and as I feel I needed to if only to see where I am. I think one of my other actions is helping. Not posting on Facebook and only making the odd comment is wonderful, though I don't get a lot of messages or comments, at least I'm not being tempted to say anything or do anything which might upset anyone. That's soothing for me and I guess it's also good as it means I can ignore others, as I'm not posting. I just wonder how long before people realise that I'm not speaking.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Old Grey Clouds.

I need to write before I go to bed tonight, I'm not in a very good place at all. Though I'm perhaps better than I think I am. That's confusing I know, but I know that I don't need to head with haste to the doctors in the morning to get them to sign off on any anti depressants, so I guess I'm thinking I'm in a better position because of that.

Anyway, what of this mood I'm in. I guess it's been brewing for a few days or so, I've been wanting to talk to someone over numerous things, but I know that if I try to call I won't get an answer, I try leaving messages and it doesn't work. I've already said how I hate being ignored in there recently, and so I've been slowly getting wound up by it. Then this morning out of the blue I got a phone call from the doctors, telling me I had to make an appointment for a repeat blood test in 4 weeks. I had only gone in the surgery the previous day and it's normally 2 days before you get the results back. That got me worried, and then what got me even more concerned was that I couldn't get an explanation out of the person calling me as to why I needed a repeat test, and how come my tests were back so quick.

So after about 10 to 15 minutes of stressing out I called back to see what was what, to be told that I had to hold on before I go out for a walk, so the doctor could call me back and explain the situation. That again had displeased me, as I wanted to go for a walk whilst I could and before it may have started to rain and I lost motivation to go out. Luckily the doctor called back, but not with great news. They have a concern over one of the 3 sets of blood results that I am waiting for, but that as they have no base line figure for the count they are looking at they want to repeat in 4 weeks to see if it was just an abnominal result or the norm or if I have a serious health issue. Having looked up what it might be, I'm actually quite stressed by it, but I can't do a thing.

I eventually got out for a walk and headed off in one direction, thought better went another and then instead of going where I was inteneding going I went some where else. That was a bad mistake as I ended up going down a pathway full of stingging nettles and thorny bushes. I got scratched and stung to bits even though I was being ultra careful. To say I wasn't in a happy mood was an understatement. As I walked home I did something I regret, but it wasn't something that I thought much off, just me being jovial and off the cuff. However, I think I've hurt someone because of that, and I feel guilty over that, and the more I feel guilty the more I'm sort of thinking I should do something about it and what I think I should do is sacrafice something I am so looking forward to, as it was my error.

Then what can go wrong has continued to go wrong all day, I've pushed people away that I didn't mean to and I just feel awful. So I'm going to stay silent apart from here and the odd status update, I'm not going to go out much only for shopping and job interviews, if I get any and possibly out for a drink with Lisa, if she comes up or when she comes up as she mentioned the other day. If that upsets anyone, or hurts them, and at worse destoys things I'm sorry, that isn't the intention, but it's for the best.

I want to write more, but there isn't more to write, but I need to do something, as whilst it's helped it hasn't soothed the ills or my mood. I need to try and explore why I'm like I am, and why I push people away from me? The thing is though is that I don't think I have an answer to that or a quick solution. So what I've got to write about I don't know, but yet I feel I should do.

Monday, July 18, 2011

going to sleep

Some days are longer than others, some times one's level of attention are shorter than others, and when these two meet all hell breaks loose. With the way my PC has been behaving of late, I'm a little fearful to try and do something different other than leave it to what it's already doing. I say that as my security scan failed yesterday, well I say failed, the programme crashed at some point, so I'm going through a repeat today. I'm not wanting to run a couple of programmes in case that conflicts with the scan. So I'm a little bored and the weather is bloody awful, making today one long day.

I guess the good news is that earlier today i went for an eye test, and passed with flying colours. I know my eyes have been a little sore of late, and that's why I thought I'd best go get my eyes checked out, but to come away with a clean bill of health was something to be happy about. I didn't think I'd need glasses, but you never know and as it had been around 10 years or more since my previous test it was good to go get them done.

Now last week I was complaining over my knee's and how sore and swollen they were. Well after some rest last week the swelling went down and to a point the pain susbsided to the point I couldn't feel it. However, if I'm being honest there is still some residual pain in the knee, and though the weakness has vanished from it, I'm still not quite feeling 100% about it. So when I go to the doctors next I'm going to see if they can possibly have a look at it for me. I'm falling asleep writing this and it's only just turned 1pm, and I wouldn't mind, but I slept last night very well, so I don't know why I'm feeling so tired and it's just come over me, how strangl

Saturday, July 16, 2011

It was worth it!

I'm not going to be here long writing this as I'm cooking my tea, I've got some rice on and a pie in the oven, so all goes well. Well I hope so anyway, I've not had this pie before as I bought from the Farmer's Market in Eccles today. So it should be good, but who knows??

This is a difficult blog to write, well it isn't really, I just had to use something to start this paragraph, as I hate using the same word to open consecutive paragraphs or at all in this blog. No I'm in a funny place today, I'm not depressed, but I'm not hyper either, nor am I running an even keel. I think I know the reason why though. I went to see Jayne on Thursday, a surprise visit and if you see the conversation on Facebook between us, you'll see Jayne was more than surprised to see me at her front door that afternoon. I know it was more planned than I'd like it to be, as I've no car to just jump in and visit the trains had to be planned etc.

That trip I think saw me expand a lot more energy than I thought I had and whilst I was pleased to see Jayne happy and full of her usual joyful self, I think I put more into it than I had anticipated. Today I'm wanting to do something, I know I can't I've got to be careful with my money, I want to be out with friends or talking to them, but it isn't going to happen. I think with my pc not functioning as well as it could be I'm getting even more frustrated as I can't want video's as they don't run fluidly. Oh the joys of life.

What I did I did for a friend and I'd do it again tomorrow if I have to, and put as much into it, but I do have to be careful with myself every now and again, having just come off the AD's well 2 or 3 weeks ago, I'm not yet over the period I set myself to feel I'm not needing them again. I've got to consider myself and though I didn't this week, it was worth it for Jayne.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Fuzzy wuzzy sort of mood.

The silence of the day is broken by the odd hammering sound of workmen some where behind my flat, the distant cries of children shouting in the playground at the school, a few hundred yards away. That's how peaceful today is, and yet the serenity isn't quite with myself.

I am worried, both my knees now are sore, whilst one is possibly due to having to compensate for the other, it isn't easy to motivate myself to do anything like move much. With that in mind I'm possibly whizzing to much around my head to be calm, and relaxed as I should be. I'm not in an awful mode, I'm not falling into depression far from it, I'm just a little fuzzy that's all. What could I do to change that? Well I don't know if I knew I wouldn't be typing this blog out would I?? However, it could be just musing over it helps today.

Life goes on, and we have to deal with what it throws at us, today it's this feeling, yesterday it was a lot calmer, till seeing information about the ECHR, and how they have U-turned on the equalities laws of the UK. I'm really angry at them for this, as they will if they continue down this path lead to certain groups trying to rid the country of any equalities laws, and take us back into the dark ages. I have written to them, I know others have written to them, expressing our anger and frustration at this decision by them. I just hope they listen to the reasoned arguements and again evaluate the decision they have made. I'm all for freedom to live your life in any way you wish. To believe in what you will, but the the religous groups that are challenging this are part of a church that for hundreds of years, made up rules to suit itself, to cling onto a power that has long since vanished. The powers that be in that church still think the world should follow it's religion and its religion alone, and yet they won't punish those that do wrong in the eyes of the law, and it's church as they wish to be seen to whiter than white.

Rant over, and I can breathe, I want to do something random, but am afraid to do so. I don't wish to jepordise something special to me, but in trying to test the waters to see if I can, would essentially demolish the idea of the random act completely. I should trust myself, I should believe myself, but on this occasion I'm not so sure. However, I've got time to think and dwell on it. If I do this it will be tomorrow and whilst it's a little crazy it's all in a good cause.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

From Billy no mates to Miss Socialble.

Crumbs, I've lost an hour I think today!! I've been looking at my clocks thinking it was coming up to 2pm, when infact it's coming up to 1pm. That isn't a good sign really, but still nothing has been lost by it all. I've just got to be more aware of time for the rest of the day.

Events over the past few days have been interesting, I've been rather social, which is always good, but it's been positive, whilst also cementing some deep rooted opinions. I was at a beer festival on Friday night, which was incredibly fun. OK, the consumption of vast quantities of alcohol isn't clever, it isn't good for you and isn't something I would recommend. However, occasionally it's good, well it's fun when in good company. That was something that I found on Friday night after a while anyway. The fact that this years "random" ( I use that term to describe the person who came to speak to me) was infinately nicer than the one that approached me the last time I frequented the same beer festival.

Saturday I was out and about in Manchester, it should have been a session of the group I go to once a month, however that fell on a wider celebratory day within Manchester, and so events were more than normal, and a bit more diverse. This included seeing and chatting to someone whom I've watched on TV occasionally over the years. She was very nice to talk to, and not the snooty type of celebraty. I wouldn't have gone to the wider celebration event had it not been for the workshops, and I didn't really do much else, though I did walk into the main event area and spoke to a few people that I know.

Sunday was spent back in Manchester at a workshop, which stuck the ugly chord in me. I guess I saw things take place that made me realise why I left groups and things like this alone for such a long time. I was hoping that things had changed, but I'm going to guess that it will never change, only the people involved. However, now I think I'm better equipted personally to be able to deal with it, and not to let it get me to down. It's pointless trying to change things, I know what type of person I am, and I know what type of person I am in some of the situations that generates some the things that I don't like. Age has matured me, and but it hasn't quelled the hope that I could change things for the better.

Finally, last night was a swim session. We had a big turn out which was fun and though it was fun, that fun was tempered by my own health issues. On Sunday my knee gave way on me, and was causing me no end of agony. I awoke yesterday morning to find my knee twice the size of my other one. This is the knee that 15 years ago I had surgery on to repair a torn cruciate and to remove most of the cartlidge in. Now I know I can't kneel for long periods or squat down for long since then, but I'd done nothing like that on Sunday to aggrivate the knee. However I thought swimming would be fine as it's low impact and non weight bearing. I was wrong and if anything I probably pushed myself too much. I'm not in a great deal of pain, but I can certainly feel pain in the said knee, whilst sitting down. If it doesn't ease up, I'm going to go back to my doctor over it.

Thursday, July 07, 2011


So this entry has a theme, an agenda, and whilst not planned as such, or not in terms of word for word, I have a clear understanding where I want to take this blog today.

Over the years, I've made friends, I've lost friends and I've got plenty of people that I know. Now I guess my up bringing has played a part in how I treat friends, and what I expect from them, and what I give. I'm a generous person to friends, I'd happily give everything for them, time, money, energy and health if I could. I don't expect much in return, however the one thing that I don't like is being ignored.

Since the start of March when I started to re-write in this blog, I have lost touch with some people due to where I was. I can accept that, and yet whilst I've improved in terms of my mental well being, and whilst I can accept it takes time to prove that things are better etc. I have felt ignored by some of these people, which upsets me, hurts me and angers me. I shouldn't be angry, but hey I am. So there you have it, I've got something that has been bugging off my chest!!

Things have been OK since I last wrote in here, I'me feeling a lot better than I was, not that I was in a bad way. However having come off the anti-depressants I've had to be careful and watching my well being. I had that bad spell right at the start, but that's to be expected I guess, but I'm back on a level keel and in working order. I've got some things to do, but don't we all?? So I'll leave this alone now, as I can see I'm waffling and with me listening to the radio adaptation of The Empire Strikes Back, I should leave here as I'm struggling to write and listen.