Thursday, July 28, 2011

Old Grey Clouds.

I need to write before I go to bed tonight, I'm not in a very good place at all. Though I'm perhaps better than I think I am. That's confusing I know, but I know that I don't need to head with haste to the doctors in the morning to get them to sign off on any anti depressants, so I guess I'm thinking I'm in a better position because of that.

Anyway, what of this mood I'm in. I guess it's been brewing for a few days or so, I've been wanting to talk to someone over numerous things, but I know that if I try to call I won't get an answer, I try leaving messages and it doesn't work. I've already said how I hate being ignored in there recently, and so I've been slowly getting wound up by it. Then this morning out of the blue I got a phone call from the doctors, telling me I had to make an appointment for a repeat blood test in 4 weeks. I had only gone in the surgery the previous day and it's normally 2 days before you get the results back. That got me worried, and then what got me even more concerned was that I couldn't get an explanation out of the person calling me as to why I needed a repeat test, and how come my tests were back so quick.

So after about 10 to 15 minutes of stressing out I called back to see what was what, to be told that I had to hold on before I go out for a walk, so the doctor could call me back and explain the situation. That again had displeased me, as I wanted to go for a walk whilst I could and before it may have started to rain and I lost motivation to go out. Luckily the doctor called back, but not with great news. They have a concern over one of the 3 sets of blood results that I am waiting for, but that as they have no base line figure for the count they are looking at they want to repeat in 4 weeks to see if it was just an abnominal result or the norm or if I have a serious health issue. Having looked up what it might be, I'm actually quite stressed by it, but I can't do a thing.

I eventually got out for a walk and headed off in one direction, thought better went another and then instead of going where I was inteneding going I went some where else. That was a bad mistake as I ended up going down a pathway full of stingging nettles and thorny bushes. I got scratched and stung to bits even though I was being ultra careful. To say I wasn't in a happy mood was an understatement. As I walked home I did something I regret, but it wasn't something that I thought much off, just me being jovial and off the cuff. However, I think I've hurt someone because of that, and I feel guilty over that, and the more I feel guilty the more I'm sort of thinking I should do something about it and what I think I should do is sacrafice something I am so looking forward to, as it was my error.

Then what can go wrong has continued to go wrong all day, I've pushed people away that I didn't mean to and I just feel awful. So I'm going to stay silent apart from here and the odd status update, I'm not going to go out much only for shopping and job interviews, if I get any and possibly out for a drink with Lisa, if she comes up or when she comes up as she mentioned the other day. If that upsets anyone, or hurts them, and at worse destoys things I'm sorry, that isn't the intention, but it's for the best.

I want to write more, but there isn't more to write, but I need to do something, as whilst it's helped it hasn't soothed the ills or my mood. I need to try and explore why I'm like I am, and why I push people away from me? The thing is though is that I don't think I have an answer to that or a quick solution. So what I've got to write about I don't know, but yet I feel I should do.

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