Kidding Myself

Silly games, youtube and something to drink have helped dampen the mind, it's not the greatest cocktail, but it will do.  As I write this though I remember that I don't have a counseling session this coming week.  So this finding of quick sand I find myself in today will have to stick with me for the next couple of weeks.  Hardly the greatest situation I know, but what else can I do.  I want to talk about this rather than writing, but I don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't want to burden my issues upon others and that's such a sad situation to be in.  That though is how I am and I see it as being fair to others.  

If I'm fair to myself, and often I'm not.  Far to often I think I try to kid myself into thinking things, and allowing that to happen.  So lets try and be fair, my life is crap, I'm old, I'm going no where, I'm no good at anything and don't know know what to do if I didn't do what I do.  I'm too negative to even consider going to for jobs as I don't think I'm good enough to get them, I don't think I'm good enough to further my career and I push people away with ease without actually knowing I do it.  I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but you know what the more I think about it the more I question that, the more I question any notions I have of myself.  

Yet in the midst of all the above feelings, I'm not prepared to do anything silly, well ultimately silly.  I may do silly stuff that puts myself at risk, but that would mean doing something and to be honest I can't be bothered to do anything. 

Errossion

 So a flurry of posts today, not even in the midst of the breakdown earlier this summer or the recent meltdown due to work have I posted as much on a single day like today for a number of years.  I just need to keep posting or writing to try and rid my mind of all the crap that is swirling around in it and hopefully allow it to settle on the page rather than in my mind.  

With so much hatred abound right now, and whilst so little is aimed at me personally, I do feel it however, my community is being attacked and has been for some time.  I don't raise my head to often, but would rather support others that do, and assist others that want to do so..  Remember that post recently about me holding ladders!!!  

It does though get me down, I allow the attacks to sting, the old phrase about death by a thousand paper cuts is never truer than now.  I wish I could shut that off, but I can't, because it's part of my job not to, I need to be aware of what's going on and being said so I can shed an informed light it for others and to enable them to be able to get through this attack unharmed and in a position to carry the torch once those doing so now can not.  

The attacks are tiresome, boring and continuous and that is what wears one down. Big hurtful individual attacks are painful for those that they are directed at, however for myself the attacks just keep coming, they keep coming and coming like waves onto the beach.  They are eroding ones strength and abilities to counter them, for those further up the beach than myself they must feel like King Canute trying to control the tide.  

Don't get me wrong here, as tiring as it is, I and everyone else will not let the those attacking us win, we will continue to fight for ourselves and those who can't.  We will not allow bigotry or hatred win, otherwise once we fall, others will be in the line of fire and so we can't allow them to win and though when we win, apart from within the community, none of those that have led this fight/defence will get much credit, as others won't see what we will have prevented.

Let Down

 I only finished the previous entry less than an hour or so ago I think, I'm not checking.  I'm back however as I sense myself feeling as if I've let people down, I feel that I've certainly let at least one person down.  I didn't want to do that and I feel guilty about it.  I shouldn't of course, because I know they'll tell me I haven't but as with my last entry will I accept that?  No of course not.  

My mind is whirring at the moment, so many what if's, why didn't I do, why didn't I say.  I should let it go the decision has been made and I should move on, but me being me I'm letting it consume me once more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go full on down the rabbit hole on this I am aware of things and I know that I've given myself some time to think, though I am considering that once more.  I need to make a closure on this and move on, but how do I do that?  One of the reasons why I'm in the mess I'm in is because of a stupid form that work asked me to fill out.  It broke me during the lock down, and whilst I don't think it was to blame it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.  Mention of that in the meeting may have triggered me for sure, as I thought I'd seen and heard the last of it for ever and a day, but obviously not.

The situation with my mental health is a factor in why I'm not able to make a closure I'm focusing on the micro details rather than the wider picture.  Do I need time off to recover?  Maybe, but that I fear would make me worse, one of the things that lock down did was crush me through lack of contact with anyone, being on the sick will double down on that situation and would send me over the edge for sure.  I don't want to go into that situation again.  I'm also conscious about the fact I've had so much time off due to my surgery last year that my sick pay situation would be difficult for me and of course the amount of time off then counts against me.  

Here is a classic example of me being me, not allowing anything to go, not able to close things off and allow myself to disengage.  I'm also thinking the worse about what comes next, I can't think of this as a positive and you know what I hate myself for that, I should see this as a positive, I should see this as something new, but I'm not and I'm worried that for all I talked about giving myself a chance in the previous entry that I won't give myself a chance.  I'm already narrowing my chances and once more sabotaging myself   This is horrible and something I need to stop, but saying it and doing it are different things.  

I'm going to have to find something to do to distract me for tonight and possibly the weekend to try and calm myself now...

Six Months

 And so things have moved, a meeting has been had and a new start........

I crashed after the last post I was in despair my job seemed beyond redemption and resignation was my only option.  However, since that time wheels have moved and so have I.  I continued to rewrite my resignation letter up till last week.  Since then I've not looked at it, I had two weeks off and some time to think or not think about work as was the case for lots of the time.  I knew I had to leave it alone for a while to clear my head, to give me some room to think about other things and to calm myself down.  It wasn't easy and I don't think I did it well enough to be honest, but I did it enough to have a quiet break and ultra quiet birthday.  The usual suspects sent me cards and birthday wishes, which was nice of them but other than that nothing from my sister I should add, not that I expected anything to be honest.  I spoke with the counselor that I'm seeing about everything, which was good.  Though doing that over what's app is very odd and I don't know if it's the best method to be truthful.  I have to admit that I say things that I, but my facial expressions will tell you the truth and what's app isn't the best tool to see how I'm feeling or if I'm doing what I do best and tell bits of where I'm at, which is enough of a concern but that bit is probably only 5 to 10% of where I'm at.  

Since returning to work I've tried not to think about the situation, but knew I had to as obviously things couldn't go on as they were.  A meeting had to be had and to be honest it wasn't comfortable, I didn't feel totally at ease, what made it worse was the connection at my end of the meeting was a bad, that's the first time that's happened and so that frustrated me somewhat.  Did I convey where I was at in the meeting?  I thought I did, but I don't think it got through, and the responses were almost what I expected.  I was prepared to do as asked, but then things got questioned and ideas flung at me.  A new solution to the problem and so here I am with this new solution.  I'm unsure on how I feel about this if I'm honest with myself.  I feel I'm running away, which goes against my nature, but I've got little fight left in me and so I'm going to have to accept it.  

With that in mind though, I'm going to try and find where I am at with myself in work.  I need to see where my level is right now.  I then need to set myself a target of where I want to be or more so where I expect to be in six months time.  I need to see an improvement in my performance and satisfaction or else the resignation will go in.  I don't care if that is the ultimate running away, I acknowledge I'm on the last chance saloon for myself.  I've got to be realistic and give myself a chance.  I have to set the level I want to reach at a reasonable level, not go over the top, but also set it higher than one or two steps above.  

One other thing that I'm going to have to do is explore why I'm so resistant to positivity to me.  I'm not sure why I can't take praise from anyone?  Why I put myself down so much and so harshly.  I want to think it's always been that way, but it hasn't.  I need to know why I don't believe any praise I get?  Have I got to high standards?  I would hope I have, but that shouldn't prevent me from taking praise even if I haven't reached the standards that I would like.  Where has this acceptance of negativity come from?  Has it come from so many others constantly being negative towards me, seriously or even just jokingly that that has become the norm?  I just don't accept that I do anything well anymore, I used to think I was good at my job, I used to think I was a good person, I never thought I was pretty or nice, but now I probably put myself down even harder on that level more than ever.  Even in the past two days I've slapped myself in conversation when someone has been fractionally nice to me on one occasion and in a totally off the cuff manor.  

Possibly the more I have struggled the more I have allowed myself to be negative with myself, why should I be positive about me if I am not doing well?  Praise of any nature seems fake when it's aimed at me, I'm almost OK with being the dirt on the bottom of the shoe, or should I rephrase that and say that by being in that position means the expectations on me are less then and perhaps then I am trying to establish a false norm for myself one of a poor worker, one who you can't rely on.  Is that part of me trying to sabotage myself?  I know I have been trying to sabotage myself in work, that's almost my instinctive reaction to the situation I was in as I couldn't care less about my position.  I knew that was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.  

Moving on I've got to some how jump start myself, I've got reignite my passion, my hopes for the future, perhaps those are the targets that I have to reach, the point where they have a heart beat once more as right now they are lying motionless on the floor without a heart beat.  They are close to death, but I'm giving myself six months to bring them back to life, or else I had in my notice, and then have to look in the mirror and ask myself what am I good at?  I don't think anyone that I know has ever given me a suggestion of another career that I may be good at or that I'd like, I don't know what I'm actually good for other than what I do, so let's wait and see where things go....