Let Down

 I only finished the previous entry less than an hour or so ago I think, I'm not checking.  I'm back however as I sense myself feeling as if I've let people down, I feel that I've certainly let at least one person down.  I didn't want to do that and I feel guilty about it.  I shouldn't of course, because I know they'll tell me I haven't but as with my last entry will I accept that?  No of course not.  

My mind is whirring at the moment, so many what if's, why didn't I do, why didn't I say.  I should let it go the decision has been made and I should move on, but me being me I'm letting it consume me once more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go full on down the rabbit hole on this I am aware of things and I know that I've given myself some time to think, though I am considering that once more.  I need to make a closure on this and move on, but how do I do that?  One of the reasons why I'm in the mess I'm in is because of a stupid form that work asked me to fill out.  It broke me during the lock down, and whilst I don't think it was to blame it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.  Mention of that in the meeting may have triggered me for sure, as I thought I'd seen and heard the last of it for ever and a day, but obviously not.

The situation with my mental health is a factor in why I'm not able to make a closure I'm focusing on the micro details rather than the wider picture.  Do I need time off to recover?  Maybe, but that I fear would make me worse, one of the things that lock down did was crush me through lack of contact with anyone, being on the sick will double down on that situation and would send me over the edge for sure.  I don't want to go into that situation again.  I'm also conscious about the fact I've had so much time off due to my surgery last year that my sick pay situation would be difficult for me and of course the amount of time off then counts against me.  

Here is a classic example of me being me, not allowing anything to go, not able to close things off and allow myself to disengage.  I'm also thinking the worse about what comes next, I can't think of this as a positive and you know what I hate myself for that, I should see this as a positive, I should see this as something new, but I'm not and I'm worried that for all I talked about giving myself a chance in the previous entry that I won't give myself a chance.  I'm already narrowing my chances and once more sabotaging myself   This is horrible and something I need to stop, but saying it and doing it are different things.  

I'm going to have to find something to do to distract me for tonight and possibly the weekend to try and calm myself now...