Thursday, September 27, 2012

Ready to go Back

The day has been mixed, quiet and yet busy, my mind has been flowing and stopping and in the darkest midsts I breathe....  So there you have a brief description of today, and well every day really but today in general.

Things have calmed down this week, after last Saturday's little meltdown of sorts.  I don't know what went on, but I'm past it and the melancoly has vanished and I'm feeling fine again.  Well I say fine I've had a bit of a cold all week, I say a bit I've felt a cold coming on, but it's not actually come out and now it feels as if it isn't going to happen so I'm say around 93%, health wise. Garlic and veg, may have helped.

So what's been going on this week?  Well a couple of visits into Manchester for differing meetings, both of which went remarkably well, yesterday's was excellent and I feel positive about the posiblity of actually doing some voluntary work once more.  It's been a while since I've even considered volunterring for anything after all the years I volunteered for Barnardo's, I had got volunteered out as such.  Now I've rested and have got free time I'm feeling in the mood to get back to some volunteering and seeing where that takes me once more.  It was volunteering that got me onto the career path I followed, so while I can't expect that again, it is a positive in my life and can keep me some what busy every so often.

Apart from that not a lot else has taken place this week, I've watched football and started to watch the new seasons of some of my favourite tv series, and anticipate the rest starting again in the next week or so.  I did do some maths and found that as of yesterday I'd been living for 14,976 days!  I did do the hours, but I didn't think that was as important as the days as it' means in a few days time I'll be passing the landmark of 15,000 days... That sort of makes me think I'm old, which I am, but hey that's life isn't it?  Age is but a number though, and we all move forward rather than backwards, after all we are humans and not from Ork.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Why Can't I??

It's the middle of a Saturday, one of the last few good weathered Saturday's of the year I suspect and I'm sat at home doing very little.  I say little obviously I'm doing something as I'm writing this and I do so, whilst waiting for some bread to rise before I put it into the oven to bake.  I am glad I had stuff in to bake and more so bread today, as I've set off some warning alarms within me this morning, and they've come from out of nowhere.  Let's be straight I've been fine emotionally, though I suspect a little under the weather this week.  I've had an icky throat for the best part of the week and though that's gone, it wasn't a nice feeling.  I'm not so sure what set that off, as I haven't been swimming and the house and flat has been nice and warm so I shouldn't have caught anything after a shower or something.  

So this morning after going out to buy some milk and one or two other things I got home.  On the way out to the shops and back I was in fine form, whimiscally thinking of anything and going with the flow.  It was however, on my return and pottering around online and catching up with some television shows that my mind wandered into area's that I wish I hadn't.  Seeing where I was, what I had missed, regrets of which I have many.  My alarm bells rang, not before seeing a picture and a comment on facebook, which whilst bringing joy to my heart with the innocence of it all, delivered a sucker punch to me.  Memories which bring me joy that sadly will never be repeated.  Not a good place for me to go, though of course it isn't a suprise that I'm here in many ways, it wasn't expected and wasn't a route I'd taken by choice in some ways.

With this in mind, I had to find something to do, and making some bread was the answer.  That bread has been kneaded, had I gone anymore it wouldn't have risen, as it is, it's rising now and in the next 10 to 15 minutes I'll be placing it in the oven to bake.  Hopefully with the frustrations taken out on the bread I can move on and enjoy some calm this weekend and the week ahead.  

This past week has been rather enjoyable in that way, I've been able to enjoy a calmnes that isn't normal around this time of year.  I'm in a settled place even managing to attend 2 social functions in one night last night, though I in some ways I regret doing so, as some of the issues this morning have come from this.  However the ability to do so, the moving on and pursuit of a employment continues, and whilst I perhaps should be out enjoying the day I'm not.  I'm waiting to bake and then eat.  

No one isn't going to go down the ally where all the bad thngs are, finishing that last paragraph set me off for some reason, it's staying in here as I don't know what it is about it that sent me into so many dark corners of my mind,  maybe it was regret I don't know, but I did think about what could have been, what could be, what isn't and that isn't good, not when I feel so good.  Not as high as a kite good, but good, so why would I want to damage that?  Why do I want to stop myself?  I should be pleased to be in this position, I am pleased, but don't know why I'm forcing such negative thoughts upon myself?  This is really strange.... 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Well Is Dry

Traversing through life less and less online due in part to the poor ability of my PC, I find myself in some good places.  Not physically, I dare say, but mentally.  I'm not as desperate to seek out attention in one form or another, I'm not getting myself angry and frustrated at the opinions of others.  Yes, I would like to voice my opinions and my views more often, but if I hold my peace, then I find that I feel way happier as I'm not being drawn into a arguement.  I use the word arguement, as that's what of late had been happening, rather than constructive discussions.

So once more the sky is bright, the clouds sparce and a nice day seems to be taking place outside.  Though no doubt it will be colder than it looks.  I've been doing bits and pieces this week, trying to get things done to help myself as such. and others.  I am feeling less enthusiastic about the groups I'm in of late, but that I fear is due to the politics of the groups and how I feel I contribute to them.  Of course only I can change that, and I'll be looking into that over the next few weeks.

As I slow down in terms of creativity with this entry I am getting frustrated as I feel as if I've got lots to say, but I haven't, and I know that's normally a good thing for me and I know I've ploughed through some posts this year on good days, but for reason today it's not going.  Maybe I need to get out and about to get the idea's flowing?  I don't know, however I'm going to move on, not dwell on this today and find something to do.  Life's too short to beat yourself up about something or nothing. 

Monday, September 17, 2012


It's an odd feeling that sits with me as I begin to write this post.  Not odd in terms of my personal mood, that's fine, if anything it could be defined as angry, rather than up or down, happy or sad.  So in that sense I'm in a good place, which is excellent news as whilst I rejoice in September as a month, it's one of those months that makes me reflective, which then makes me sad, down and depressed, which isn't good going into the Autumn and Winter months, where it's darker and colder.  So angry is good right now.

So why am I feeling odd and angry?  Well it's sport and the press.  Last week saw the release of the report on the cover up from the Hillsborough disaster from 1989, it was shocking that a police force could cover up so much and try to re-write history the way they did and allow it to stand for 23 years.  Shame on them and hopefully those who instigated the cover up, those who helped and contributed are punished fittingly by the law and internally if they are still in the police force.  That I can not stress deeply enough has angered me.

What else that's angered me though is the reaction of the press, I still hold the view that whilst we can point the finger and identify the moment the disaster started and why, the blame lies deeper than simply one police officer opening a gate.  A combination of actions and events from the previous 20 years led to the disaster taking place, and that includes football fans of all clubs, to which this disaster or similar could have befell.  I include myself in that list of blame, so I'm not just blaming others, I'm blaming myself as well.  

Now this weekend we've seen a reaction to Manchester United fans chanting a song, that that've sung previously without any comments and aimed at Liverpool fans for numerous events over the years, and not just ONE event.  So the media have picked this up as being aimed at Hillsborough alone now, but it isn't and has never been just about that.  In fact far worse songs were sung on Saturday towards Liverpool fans by United supporters during the game that haven't been reported.  Which gets me very angry, in that it's being portrayed that United fans are the only "sick" fans in the country.  I'm sorry, but as with the blame from the previous paragraph, fans of all clubs have sung sick songs at one point or another, it doesn't make it right to do so, but people are making the most of this because it's United.  

United and Liverpool fans hate each other as a group.  Yes, on an individual basis, I'm sure like myself, other United fans have good friends who support Liverpool or Everton, just as we have friends who are City fans and even Leeds fans.  The same could be said of the other clubs in return.  However, come the topic of football and attitudes change, and whilst the hatred and despise is ssbstanciially less than it was around the time of the Hillsborough disaster, it still exists.  Take away the hatred and the dispise of each other, and the game would lose it's edge.  It wouldn't be the biggest game in the country anymore, quite simply it would be just another game.  I would hate it to be that, football has become to sanitised over the past 23 years since the disaster, some of that for the good, but some for the worse.  Many others have commented on this in far greater depth than I, but the atmospere in grounds today are sterile compared to what they were like, and whilst it makes it safer, it's taken some of the enjoyment out of the game.  

Sick chants shoulnd't take place, though it would be wrong of me to write that without accepting that some of the sickest chants have made me chuckle on hearing them first, before the implications of the song sink in as such.  It's inappropriate I agree, but I'm big enough to say I've chuckled at a few, whilst shaking my head in disgust.  Does that make me a bad person? No I think not, what is sung in the ground stays in the ground for me, I wouldn't behave or react like I do when watching sport to individuals, that's not my style.  It's when it's taken outside of the ground that bothers me., and whilst many a Liverpool fan will know what was sung on Saturday has been sung many times before, and will launch into an attack at Anfield next weekend, some will be looking to extract a much different type of revenge, outside the ground and much worse. 

The media are inmany ways to blame for this, they've been reporting this weekends events as if its a huge shock and the worse thing ever.  They are stoking the fire as such, when it didn't need it.  It's as if the report that came out last week has made singing any anti-Liverpool songs a crime.  The only ones going to be singing those anyway would be Everton, United or City perhaps, and most likely United, as the two teams meet next week.  To me the fuss over the songs sung first of all is being made into a mountin, when it's something or nothing.  That makes me very angry. 

Sunday, September 09, 2012

1985/2012 No difference really.

Today has been a Retro Sunday, the first of the year and I've loved it.  I've mentioned these days before, but to job your memories today has been spent listening to a 80's radio station and spent doing nothing cept playing on my Spectrum emulator on my PC.  Harking back to the days when I was a teenager when I'd be playing on my Spectrum listening to mix tapes I'd made from what ever sources I could get or listening to the local radio stations.  At times today it's been really fab to hear songs that I'd almost forgot and what's scary is that through the whole day I don't think I've not recognised a song or artist.  It's been quite a day in that respect. 

I'm not sure why I chose to do this today, I listened the Last Night of the Proms last night and got a little nostalgic I guess, and after I'd woken up to hear what tune had been voted onto the BBC virtual jukebox, I switched from 5Live, and decided to go to the 80's station.  After a short while I fell asleep, and then woke up again just before 7am.   It was then that I decided to go for a Retro day.  I did watch a couple of tv shows, before starting, but since then it's been an 80's day with one or two small interuptions.  Now it's coming to the end and I'm looking forward to the next week, full of zest and a little bit of my youth back into my heart. 

The prom concert last night was special, I don't think it was as loud as it's been in the past, I think the audeience were rather more respectful this year than in previous, but the concert was just beautiful, and rich variety of music, with wonderful individual performances from the vocalist and violinist.  They were the stars of the show and simply made the concert.  In years gone by others have allowed the audience to take centre stage, but not these two. 

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Tempting Fate/Jinxing Myself.

About 2 hours ago I started to write a post in here, describing the moring that sat before me, comparing it with glourious mornings spent in the Lake District many years ago.  I tempted fate, why did I tempt fate so full in the face.  An hour ago I heard knocing and banging, at first I thought it was the post man trying to deliver a parcel, I'm waiting for a parcel to arrive so I went to look, but no it's the handy men of the landlord working next door.  Add to that they've just started to sort out the back garden with the lawn mower and strimmer going for the past 30 or 40 minutes.  

As individuals I like the guys, but the timing this morning was perfectly wrong...... I tempted too much fate, is today going to be one of those days where everything that I try or think is happening going to be ruined by something else??  I hope not, for tonight is one of those great nights of the year.  For some amongst us the Eurovision Song contest is the annual musical night of the year, for me and many others though the Last Night of The Proms is the night and that is tonight.

Growing up I used to really dislike the Last Night, except for all the silly bits at the end of the night.  It was classical music without words and really for the posh people.  As I've grown older, I have found a fondness for classical music, though no big fan, I can listen and really enjoy it, and more so when it's played live as it is on the last night.  I still love the silliness of the sea shanties and the mad ending of Rule Britaina etc, and will no doubt join in as such tonight, however it's now part of my annual viewing or listening.  So tonight I'll try to watch it, if not I'll certainly listen to it.  

Obviously something is going to go wrong with this plan, as today's already started with a jinz as such, so let's see what it is tonight that shuts me down?  A power cut perhaps?  A phone call?  Who knows???

A trip through dreams.

A good few years back I volunteered myself to drive a minibus up to the Lake's with a group of families from the place I volunteered at in as they were going to a residential retreat for a week.  I spent the first 3 days with them, I have to say that waking up there, early in the morning (around 6am) was not always ideal with little to do till breakfast was being served, but sitting on the bench outside watching the sun rise over the lake opposite and just listening to life around me was beautiful.  I mention this as this morning, this early September morning with out really noticing till now is as close to those mornings as I can recall.  OK, let's be clear I'm not near a lake and I'm not sat outside, however the birds are singing the room is around that ambient temperature and the sun is threatening to break through.  I was taken back to those days on the lake when trying to think of what I was thinking about before I started to write.

It was I think those few days that added to the thought that one day I would like to live in almost solitude, by that I mean in a more rural setting, where the noise of traffic is rare, where the pace of life is far less quick and the natural beauty of the land hasn't been destroyed by man.  It's unlikeyly to happen I know, but like my dream to canoe down the Amazon, it's something I can hope could take place.  One has to have dreams to keep me going.  Though those dreams seem unobtainable, they are there and have been there for such a long time now.  

The funny thing is of course, the idealic nature of owning a home in a small village or a house in the middle of no where, with no one around would lead to loneliness and that leads me to depression.  The same for the idea of paddling down the Amazon, why would I force the solitude upon myself?  Why am I dreaming of such things?  When on countless occasions I write about hating being alone?  I really don't know and don't care these are dreams and nothing close to being a realality so I can keep them, I can keep playing the Euro lottery when it gets close to £80m+ and keep hoping that one day the luck will come my way.  As till that day, I won't have the funds to really get near to my dreams.  

So what else?  It's been another quiet week, I've gone about my business quietly and positively, though I have to say that when I got my suitcase out where I'd stored all my mobiles, that one of them, the one of the juggling clowns had got very tangled.  I had tried not to get it tangled when I wrapped it up after taking it down, but with so much more string on it than normal due to the various balls being juggled as well as the clowns it's probably something I should have considered more and checked.  I've not thrown it away I won't do that, I may take another shot at it one day, but we'll wait and see for now.  I'll have to add to my collection at some point again, possible next year now, though the idea of a mobile a year isn't thrilling, it makes the anticipation of purchase all the much better.  As I write this and start to envisage where and when I'll buy my next mobile, I'm getting pictures of the Monkeys, that I've seen on sale at the Bridgewater Hall.  I suspect though that they'll have been bought by the ttime I get to this, but that's my first thought.  Though in my heart I would love to find them stocking the "moomins" mobile, but we'll have to wait and see.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Small pains in the butt

Having rushed an entry yesterday as I listened to the radio and was eager to get out on time afterwards so I  could go take a book back to the library I find myself once more starting to write with something of a tempo and target to go at.  It's late at night, close to midnight and really not ideal for me to be writing I've not got a lot to write about tonight, but I wanted to write so let's see where I go with it.

Due to the general slowness of my pc, I've spent the past week or so watching tv shows that I've got on my computer, mainly NCIS and now the off shoot series NCIS LA.  I've been keeping up to date with all the current shows, but I'm watching these again to get myself back into the world that they live in when the new season starts in a couple of weeks.  It's not that I need to watch I've seen the original series about 4 or 5 times over and the LA version twice I think now.  However it kills time and means I don't get frustrated with the speed of my pc.  I'm also weary of going online as after I had this re-formatted and then had to reset my phone, I had lost all my bookmarks, and I'm not eager due to the speed of my pc in doing all the hard work of finding all the bookmarks again.  They will come however, just not right away.

So what else is new?  Well some of the sites that I've been a regular visitor to are becoming difficult to view these days which is a shame.  As much as I like to go in, read and contribute the contributions of others is getting to me.  I' no longer finding patience to accept the views or shall I put it the opinions of those who won't share or listen to the opinions of my own or others, or who resort to aggressive behaviour when someone disagrees with them.  It is the internet and anyone can contribute to it and perhaps I shouldn't be judgemental, but I guess me being me, and a tiny bit of frustration that's creeping into my day to day life that's causing this lack of control on my part, I don't know.

I say frustration, it's no more than normal, but something is eating away at me, and whilst I could make a decision to end it, I'd find it hard to follow through, due to my own personality.  It's not just in one place it's one or two other places and and that's what's annoying me.  I just feel isolated from what's going on, when I shouldn't be and that I guess plays on my fears of loneliness, as I feel ignored and feel as if it's proving to me that I'm worthless and serve no purpose to anyone.  That's sounds rather damming and rather strong, please understand I'm actually in a good place, it's just that I can see one or two things that are causing me to feel this way and I can't figure out how to change it, no matter what I try and do.  I hope this doesn't get any worse, being able to see the issues means I can step back and help myself and others as is my worth.  

No news yet on if I can continue to volunteer for the youth group I had been working with till a week or so ago, which is a shame, as I would like to do something, let's see what happens in the next week or two, if nothing by the end of the month I'll make some calls and write a fwe emails out to chase it up.

Monday, September 03, 2012

!0 minutes to write this post

Welcome to September, my favourite and possibly the best month of the year, so White Rabbit and all that jazz.

I sit here listening to Just A Minute, and waiting to shoot out to the library to hand back a book I took out a couple of weeks ago, which was fairly interesting.  However, from the library I'll be shooting to the shop to see if I can pick up some bread, hopefully a french stick or something similar for a rather cheaper price than it should have been.  That would help make my decision on what to have for tea, this would be a random meat sandwich.  

Things have been rather quiet of late, I've been in a jovial mood, with little need to write in here, but I've been keen to take step backs to observe my moods, and whilst on a couple of occasions I've been a little shocked by things that I've thought of, but on the whole things have passed as quickly as they came.  The last week of August saw me participating in Manchester Pride.  I joined the parade with the youth group on the float that we had been building, and when it came together the float looked wonderful, no it was outstanding and how that float didn't win the best in the parade I don't know?  It was robbery, it really was, however it is the taking part that counts in this event and not the winning, not that it matters in this case.  I helped out on the stall, as well as watching some excellent musical acts on the main stage, with excellent company.  

Since then it's been rather non-plus in terms of activities, though now I've got my extractor fan in, and within the next few days I'm going to have my mobiles put back up, which I should point out that I've had the mobile that broke on me repaired.  I took it to the craft market in Eccles on Saturday and asked someone whom I used to work with if she could repair it, and she could.  It didn't cost me either, which I'm grateful for.  I'm just so glad that it's been repaired and that I have still got the original mobile that started the collection back to enjoy.  

Saturday is the last night of the proms, which I'm looking forward to greatly, it's one of my favourite nights in terms of music of the year, and this year it's going to be so good, after the country has become more patriotic than I can recall, or at least since perhaps 1977.