Saturday, September 22, 2012

Why Can't I??

It's the middle of a Saturday, one of the last few good weathered Saturday's of the year I suspect and I'm sat at home doing very little.  I say little obviously I'm doing something as I'm writing this and I do so, whilst waiting for some bread to rise before I put it into the oven to bake.  I am glad I had stuff in to bake and more so bread today, as I've set off some warning alarms within me this morning, and they've come from out of nowhere.  Let's be straight I've been fine emotionally, though I suspect a little under the weather this week.  I've had an icky throat for the best part of the week and though that's gone, it wasn't a nice feeling.  I'm not so sure what set that off, as I haven't been swimming and the house and flat has been nice and warm so I shouldn't have caught anything after a shower or something.  

So this morning after going out to buy some milk and one or two other things I got home.  On the way out to the shops and back I was in fine form, whimiscally thinking of anything and going with the flow.  It was however, on my return and pottering around online and catching up with some television shows that my mind wandered into area's that I wish I hadn't.  Seeing where I was, what I had missed, regrets of which I have many.  My alarm bells rang, not before seeing a picture and a comment on facebook, which whilst bringing joy to my heart with the innocence of it all, delivered a sucker punch to me.  Memories which bring me joy that sadly will never be repeated.  Not a good place for me to go, though of course it isn't a suprise that I'm here in many ways, it wasn't expected and wasn't a route I'd taken by choice in some ways.

With this in mind, I had to find something to do, and making some bread was the answer.  That bread has been kneaded, had I gone anymore it wouldn't have risen, as it is, it's rising now and in the next 10 to 15 minutes I'll be placing it in the oven to bake.  Hopefully with the frustrations taken out on the bread I can move on and enjoy some calm this weekend and the week ahead.  

This past week has been rather enjoyable in that way, I've been able to enjoy a calmnes that isn't normal around this time of year.  I'm in a settled place even managing to attend 2 social functions in one night last night, though I in some ways I regret doing so, as some of the issues this morning have come from this.  However the ability to do so, the moving on and pursuit of a employment continues, and whilst I perhaps should be out enjoying the day I'm not.  I'm waiting to bake and then eat.  

No one isn't going to go down the ally where all the bad thngs are, finishing that last paragraph set me off for some reason, it's staying in here as I don't know what it is about it that sent me into so many dark corners of my mind,  maybe it was regret I don't know, but I did think about what could have been, what could be, what isn't and that isn't good, not when I feel so good.  Not as high as a kite good, but good, so why would I want to damage that?  Why do I want to stop myself?  I should be pleased to be in this position, I am pleased, but don't know why I'm forcing such negative thoughts upon myself?  This is really strange.... 

1 comment:

Kelvin said...

Try some mindful thinking techniques. Acknowledge these thoughts & bat them away, don't dwell on them if you can.