Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Way

It's time to write another post, another random post to fill in the time that I have on my hands tonight. I'm not going to get depressed, but for some reason I would like to acknowledge that I would rather be sat round either a friends house or a table in a pub some where right now chatting to friends. It just feels like one of those nights where I wish I could do either of these activities.

Still, rather than letting it get to me, I'm chilled about it, I really am. I know that I've said this before and then a few days later been in the deepest of places, but seriously I'm OK right now. I guess it's just that I'm unsure of what I want to do tonight and having someone or some people to talk too is alway something different and takes a night into different places.

This post has no real thread to it, I'm really going blind here, I've no idea what to write, I started off hoping that I could write something to keep me occupied and provoke some thoughts in my mind which would then lead me to do something after finishing. However, I've got nothing to fire my imagination to take me to where ever I want to go or is that actually the right thing to say? As I've no place where I want to go, I just wanted to write and see where I went.

Perhaps I should sit down and start to plan for some more presentations, though I've got no more lined up, but if I sit down and start looking into topics and building up information and powerpoints I can share them with those with whom I trusted my previous efforts to see what they think and see if they are equal to that one or better. What ever I do, it's going to be different to what ever I would be doing had I not sat down and wrote this. This has to be one of the more pointless entries I've ever written, but in it's own way it's provided me with something and that's the most important part of writing this I find. It helps me and if it helps me then no matter how shocking and how crazy these enteries sound, it assists in some way to making life better for me, and as I like to point out, I see through my eyes and no one elses, I hear through my ears and not anyone elses. I touch with my fingers, think with my brain, it's me that does things for me. People can offer advice or directions to help me, but it has to be my choice in the end to follow that advice or direction, and do what ever my own way.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Confident, public speaker, Me? Give over

It has been nearly a week since I wrote in here last, and whilst not too much has taken place in my life, it certainly has been a pleasant week in so many ways. I think the two presentations which I've spoken about lots have really been good to me. I have never been a good public speaker, always getting nervous and always being rather shy. However on neither occasion did I get remotely as nervous as I have done in the past, on both occasions I felt that I spoke as clearly as I can (which isn't something that I'm known for doing), and that I conveyed the presentation well enough for those listening to understand and at least gain some sort of knowledge from it.

I said that I would sit down and reflect on these once they were both done, and whilst I really haven't gone into great detail over them with myself, I do feel that yes there was room for improvement on both occasions, I do feel that with more time on each presentation (time to give the presentation that is), I could have done better, could have provided more information. This was the first time thoguh, and whilst I'm satisfied it went well, I wouldn't sit on my laurals and suggest it was perfect. Refinement is the key here, and also possibly expansion. I presented on a limited topic, one which I know lots about, but if I want to make something more out of this I've got to be prepared to expand the field of work, I've got to be prepared to go into subjects where I'm not as strong and be able to present on those. I've got to be able to expand the time frame of the presntations and perhaps build into them a more interactive nature. This is a seed, one that has been planted, how high it grows I don't know, but it's one that I hope grows high and strong, as for once I can say I enjoyed speaking in public, I had no fear and that is something new to me.

So why did it hold no fear? Well for one I knew the people in the room, or I had met them previously, which does help, they were not all total strangers. I think that gave me a little bit of confidence, but in the past I've never really stood up and spoke even in situations where I've been in groups of people whom I knew far better than the ones I spoke in front of last week. Is it because of the topic? Maybe, I had confidence in my own ability to talk on the topic with knowledge and authority, so that was a helping factor. Another reason perhaps that needs looking into is that the preperations for this was quite comprehensive, in that others had seen the power point that I'd made and everyone was happy with that. I had gone through 6 or 7 run throughs in my flat to make sure I had the script written, again this isn't something totally new to me, just that I'd always believed I had the ability to wing things in the past. Perhaps it was all 3 things that made this go so well, and made me feel confident.

Which ever way, I'm far happier now with this than I was, I'm glad I did the presentations and can use them as a base to perhaps move forward.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Bright blurry balloons.

I've done the first presentation, it was done yesterday afternoon, and to be honest it wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I know everyone was being polite with me with regards what they had learned, but I just hope it sank in.

Of my own performance? Well I know that I could probably do better, at times I honestly don't know what I was focussed on, in terms of my eye sight, it seemed like a blur rather than a class full of faces, and that was sort of odd. I did ground myself a couple of times and that helped me focus on those around me. That's something to learn to do I guess, however it wasn't the horror show that perhaps I thought it would be, and hopefully tomorrow's version will be a bit better and I'll be a little less nervous. Out of 10, I'd give myself a 6. I could have given more information, I could have slowed down a little, which is something I had been practising. I know I had got the presentation down to 45 minutes or there abouts, but it seemed to fly by yesterday a little quicker than that, which is good, but then did I give people a chance to take all the information in. I can praise myself that I didn't constantly repeat myself and whilst area's could have been improved, it conveyed the message. Of course the time frame was short and not alot could be put into it, however it worked. If tomorrow goes as well, I'll be happy. I'd like to see what I could do with other subjects, one's where I've got to do a bit of research perhaps, but for a starter for 10 it was a nice for 6. I do need to look at this area, of course to work on my presentation area, but hell this could be something to investigate a little further.

So for once a quite positive entry into here from myself, something has to go wrong? Well there is a couple of things not quite right, but they can be fixed, not by me, but they are mechanical rather than emotional and so I shouldn't be too distracted by them. Though of course they do play a small part in my life and thus I want them to be sorted. They will be done, just not right now and if things go completely pear shaped which anyone who has read this blog will be able to tell you does happen a lot to me, they will be used as evidence as to why things have gone wrong.

As I wrote the above, it occurred to me that things go wrong, things go right, it's the ying and yang of life. Without negative, how do we find positive?, sadness and happiness, they are all intertwined within us. Some of us, and I include myself are more sensitive to the extreme's of these rather than the smoother calmer middle area's and whilst today, I can say that I'm happy to sail these waters, I know when I'm in the depth of the negatives, the sadness and upset, I'll be pleading for the calmer middle area's. I just guess that unlike others, I find the calmer area's a little harder to find than most. It's trying to fight the extreme area's that takes so much of one's energy at times.

Still right now the area is calm, I'm finding the area to bright sunny positive area's easy to reach today, if I could block my way back for ever to the middle and negative area's I would be a horribly over happy person to know. I guess the people I know, the people I call mates and friends wouldn't want me around like they don't like the dark and moody me either. So hey I'll live with the extreme's, as long as others realise that this is me, and your stuck with it..

Friday, March 05, 2010

North, South, East or West, which direction to go?

Another week flies by, and a surprisingly uneventful week goes by considering how it all began. However, it's gone with now and I can perhaps look forward to the weekend. However, not a lot is taking place this weekend, still it gives me chance to run through the presentation that I've got to give next Monday and Wednesday. I've got to really work on one area of that, in an attempt to sharpen it up, once that is done everything should be near enough done with it. I don't know if I should sit down and try and script the part that I'm struggling with, it may help me nail what I want to say, but then it's a difficult part of the presentation to give. So I may just have an attempt and see how it goes.

Life however continues and the foundations have been untroubled this week. If anything I've hardly worked to solidify them, but then by not rocking them either they are settling into the ground and becoming use to the weight that is my life. How deep is that? Not very, as I'm not that heavy that the foundations are sinking this quickly!!!! I couldn't resist a little joke there for some reason, but if one's humour is intact then I'm heading in the right directing.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

A Journey of Self Research

As I sit knowing that I want to write something, and yet trying to think of a what to write or where to at least begin, I find myself with a smile building across my face. I'm enjoying something, what though? What is it that is that is making me smile? It isn't being sat here, I know that and that isn't anything against writing this post. No, I think it's the music I'm listening too, and it isn't because it was a particularily good song, it was the extended disco version of the Cantina Band music from Star Wars. I think it was the Star Wars reference that I enjoyed.

So perhap that's where I'll start and try and understand why I like Star Wars? I've never done that really. I have to be honest I'm probably seen all six films around a minimum 100 times and certainly the original films well over 200 times each. Why can I sit and watch them and enjoy them so much after so many times? What is it that jumps out when ever I do watch them that I really enjoy? I don't know, I've probably seen loads of better films, but I don't sit down and watch something like Schindlers List over and over like I can with Star Wars. Is it the esacpism, being taken to a place out of reach and one of dreams rather than what we know is reality? I don't know, I really don't, but I do know I enjoy the films and just listening to the song before (I'm now onto Killer Queen from the OST of We Will Rock You), almsot made me go and reach for the Star Wars films and watch them for what would be the first time in 2010.

So things are cool, nothing too much to worry about. Yes I've got to keep trying to shave time off the presentation that I've made for next week, but I'm happy with the way it's going. Having spoken with the tutor yesterday and discussed some of the things that will be touched upon, I'm confident that I can cover what they want and probably end up with the students asking plenty of questions. However, let's see I've got my head around how this should pan out, and just hope it goes to plan.

Apart from that I can't complain much, I'm relaxed, I'm contented and looking at securing the foundations to which I'm standing on, in terms of the contentment. I know my previous attempts haven't been good, but hey I've got to get them right at some point haven't I? I mean I can't always fail, I'm better than that, I know that, others know that. However, I allow the self fullfilling prophecies (I don't care about spelling right now) take over, and when anything does go wrong I allow it to effect me. So what I have to do is try and accept that I have success as well as failure. I think the presentation is a good place to start. I'm so unsure of myself with it, that I've asked 4 people to look at it, and give me feed back, before I even present it. Yes, I'm glad I did have someone look at it, so they were able to point out minor issues, which I can see were issues to correct. However, I guess that I've been so used to failure or negative comments, I don't think I've been able to truely accept that what I've made is OK, no in someone's words good. Perhaps that's why I've asked for a second, third and forth opinion, and that should show me that I lack some self confidence or belief I guess. However, I know the subject, I know what I'm doing and yet I'm still insecure.

What has caused this self confidence? I really don't know. I'm sure that there are some people who may or may not recognise the person I am right now compared to what I was at one point in my life. I was so care free, and prepared to do things that I wouldn't do now without a day or two's thought that I wonder where it all changed. As I completed that sentence I let myself ponder and figured out a possible answer, and I am going to contemplate that answer, as it's probably true, but it needs some self research. Wow, from Star Wars to finding answers withing myself which may or may not help me is quite a little journey. However I have said that I enjoy writing, as I find it helps me solve issues one way or another. This is just another bit of evidence in that for me.