Thursday, September 29, 2005

Old Haunts

Well Monday went really well, I loved every minute of my day at Alton Towers. Though we left in mid afternoon, we still had managed to walk onto nearly every ride with the exception of Rita, Queen of Speed. Even then, the wait was only around 15 minutes which was fine by Lisa and myself.

I hadn't been for years, so to try some of the rides I'd heard about and not been on was great. I really loved Air, and recommend that should anyone find a similar ride anywhere in the world like it, try it, it's a real dandy coaster. Lisa came on everything bar one ride with me, and that was about as much as I expected. I wish we had ridden Air a couple of times, but that can happen another time. We've agreed that instead of going to restaurants for our birthdays we may go to Theme parks for the next few years. Alton Towers was near enough empty and that suited us to a tee.

Whoops I've let it slip haven't I!! It was my birthday on Tuesday, I'm the grand old age of 34 now, and Lisa will be joining me on that number on Saturday. So it was like hey let's go back to being kids again. I think at 34 I have to start looking at myself as almost being technically middle aged. I don't feel that old, I don't act like I'm middle aged, but that's because I am around people much younger than myself most of the time. Still it's something which is creeping up on us.

I had to work on my birthday, which sounds crazy I know, as I'm on my holidays from work. The problem was I should have been with Lisa in Winchester this week, but due to unforseen circumstances we had to cancel it. I've mentioned that before. So I said I would drive for the parents support group at work. It's a group that I've driven for before and I know them all anyway. They were going for a morning of bowling and then on for a meal. No kids involved on this trip, so it was just a group of adults out for a fun time. I didn't let slip it was my birthday as it was also one of the group members birthday. It was only later did someone find out, and then the group had a go at me for keeping quiet. I was subsequently asked to work another group in the evening. That wasn't good, it wasn't the group's fault, it was the whole thing, it was a mess, so much so that I'm going to make a complaint at work when I get the first opportunity.

Onto today, I'm taking my mum to Chester, for a days shopping. This is something of an old haunt for me. Whilst I was at uni in the next town along, Wrexham. We used to go into Chester for a shop if we felt we didn't want to stay in Wrexham. They did have a really nice pizza shop in town too. Chester of course is an old town, the Roman's had a fort there, and it's still seen as one of the countries most important Roman towns. It's used by lots of schools in the North West of the country for day trips. So it's going to be nice to go shopping there, rather than having to do all the usual work things there. I'm driving, so that's going to be fun, and my mum doesn't realise yet, that I'm intending stopping on the way home for a meal, all be it in a pub I guess. I'd pay for a meal in Chester, but it's a very expensive place, or it was when we were poor students.

I hope the weather improves though, as it's really bright and till about 20 minutes ago not a cloud in the sky. Right now, a few clouds are crossing over, but they are full of rain, not horrible rain, but a heavy showers. It wouldn't bother me to be honest, but it's not the nicest weather to drive in.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Bronze Morning

I sit in front of my pc writing this with my curtains open as I'm already ready for the day ahead of me. It's just turned 7.10am, and I've been up an hour already. The world outside has a bronze complextion as the sun slowly rises this morning. The reason it isn't golden is the clouds are forboding, and look like they could have plenty of rain in them. That's fine by me today as long as they don't follow me down to the biggest theme park in England. I'm off to Alton Towers I'm off with Lisa for a fun filled day I hope.

Today should have been the start of the holiday that wasn't to be. I may have over reacted last week, but if those events had taken place say today or even 3 weeks ago, I think my reaction would have been the same. It's not the holiday that bothers me it's how things never work out. Anyway, I've not laid any plans down at all. Lisa tested me over the weekend over plans, but I didn't fall into the trap. I'm no longer a planner, more spontaneity is the order of the day from me from now on. I actually enjoy being more spontanious than structured. How I'm going to place that into work I don't know, more so with all the "planning" we have to do of activities.

Ouch, this week has come around hasn't it. By the end of it, life is going to be different. I don't think it will sound any different, nor will it feel or look different, but it will be different. This past year hasn't been too bad, though I've had better years, and it's ending like many other years previously. I normally hate this time of year and though I'm not in the greatest of moods, I'm trying not to get too down. In fact I'm going to try and celebrate to a point, but how much I can is another question all together.

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Storm has blown! or has it?

Well here I am at the end of the week, and I feel like I've had a storm run through me. I've been down and out, I've cried like I've never cried before and why?? I don't really know. It's crazy it really is.

I know that I've stated and will adhere to the fact that if anything can go wrong for me it will do. Yet, at times I can leave that thought and not let it affect me. On Monday it hurt like never before, and yet on Thursday when I found out that I hadn't been paid the over time that I had been expecting, I just passed it off as another thing. So why had I let it get to me on Monday? I don't know, but I could use the excuse that I'm currently on no medication, which isn't good. I'm not on the anti-depressants or any HRT. I'm deviod of medication.

I guess that I was a little shocked over the news of having to call off my holiday, but I'm still so down over it. I've made steps to try and make amends for this, but I'll keep that one a bit quiet. I've also got the visit to Alton Towers on Monday to look forward too with Lisa. I know that I've upset her this week, but it's an occupational hazzard of being my friend, and more so my best friend. Apart from buying her a card for Tuesday, thanking her for another year of friendship ( I think I am the only person who on there birthday buys or sends cards to those friends who has contributed more than others in the past year, thanking them.), I'll have to buy her a really nice present this year.

I sit here in front of my monitor right now feeling a bit better, the 3/4 bottle of wine I've drank so far has helped, but also the fact that I can pinpoint things a bit better helps. All the problems that I'm going through right now is down to an abortive visit to Leeds for a hospital appointment. I didn't make it due to probelms on the road network. A truck full of toothpaste of all things had shut down the motorway system around Mancester. Now this sounds daft, but till that day, things had gone reasonably well this year for me. In fact it had been the best year for ages for me. Since that day though, things have been falling apart, in terms of what ever could happen to me has. It's something that I am used to normally, but after such a good start to the year it's really has hurt me of late.

Again though I look at what I've written and thought, and to the outsider it looks crazy, to me it's look crazy to blame something that I way out of my control. However it takes something crazy to change ones luck, and though it's been a case of bad luck ever since, I can blame that day as being the down part of the year.

Still I'm alive and that's what matters the most I guess.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Told Ya! It's Always Me

Well another day and another dollar earned. I guess I can put it that way. Work wasn't so bad and things got better as I got some extra work in the afternoon. Which at the end of the day means that bit more money for me.

Things had gone okay today, and then tonight it was a bit better, till about 20 minutes ago. I had been around at my mum's till late, watching American Chopper. I hadn't been home since early this morning before the post had come. I was expecting a letter from the bank, but on my arrival back that hadn't arrived so I was cheerful. I then got into my flat, and switched on my pc.

That's when things went normal for me. As I've stated before I'm on holiday next week, and that I'm going to my best friends place for a few days. Well guess what I'm not any more. I told ya, it's always me that shit happens too. I can understand and I accept the reasons why I can't go down there right now. It's nothing to do with my best friend or me, it's something else. Yet, at the end of the day it's another thing which has gone wrong for me. I gotta say this right now, I'm really upset over this. I've not been on a proper holiday for near enough 16 years, and this was going to be it. Now, apart from going to the theme park on Monday I'm back home doing nothing as per usual. It's not fair, all this shit on me, I hate it. Why is it always me??

I might as well go in work the rest of the week and ignore my holiday. I'll be doing nothing else to fill my time. I'm just so pissed off right now. It's like the end of the world has come again. I haven't even got anything to fill my time with. One thing though that should be pointed out here. This isn't a coincidence. Every year around my birthday shit happens, I hate my birthdays, I'm never happy on my birthday and I guess this year won't be any different.

It's Back

I tried to listen on Friday, but I got so tired I fell asleep. Here I am though on Monday morning, listening to the Canadian national anthem being sung at the Rexall Place, before the start of an NHL exhibition game.

HOCKEY IS BACK, I'm so glad.......

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


I find it hard to describe how I feel right now. I've just read the story of a young girl in America, by the name of Gwen Araujo. This beautiful young girl, cut down before blossomed into a beautiful young woman. I question lot's of things and often try to come up with some answers, but for this I have none.

Why in today's society is this type of thing going on? This is something straight out of the 1920's, not 2003. I thought we were more educated than this, to understand that this young girl may not be like others, but that doesn't mean she should be killed for that. I don't think for one minute she did what she did to spite the others involved, but they took spite out on her. Today two of them await sentencing for murder.

I'm glad justice has been done, but it brings an added fear to my life. An old question resurfaces, could that happen to me. I may be fragile as it is, but this has in many ways strengthed my resolve.

Tonight I hope Gwen is resting in peace and enjoying the fact that justice has been done.

Emotions got to me

I'm still around for the time being, but it's not easy. I'm so bored of life that I can't be bothered to do anything other than live.

I'm at a loss as to why my mood has dropped or should I say my outlook on life. I'm not going to say it's being influenced by the weather, as the weather though not as good as it has been this summer, it's not bad for this time of year. I guess it's just me then.

So this entry may be a small one, but sometimes small is good, though to myself it isn't. That's just me being so set in my ways in terms of my own expectations.

A note needs to be made here, England won the Ashes yesterday, and the country has gone cricket mad. I shall admit that I did cry with joy yesterday and sadness that my dad wasn't around to see this series. He would have been thrilled by it, he would have been inspired by, and most of all he'd be exstatic that England won in the manner they did.

Monday, September 12, 2005

What is pain?

What is pain? Is it something physical? Is it something mental? Is it both? How do you deal with it? Why does it happen?

It may be strange that I am asking such questions, after all I've been to Uni, I'm fairly intelligent and have more an understanding of pain than most. I've suffered physical, mental and both in my life time. I can accept it exists I think, I know physically it exists, shit I wouldn't recommend for one minute anyone goes and ruptures your anterior cruciate ligaments, that is pain. I'm sure I've mentioned this, but the day I did mine, and the sheer stupidity of myself, instead of going to the hospital, I went tot he pub, and went through 8 bottles of Grolsh, and 4 JD & Cokes, just to try and get rid of the pain. It didn't work either.

So why do I question it, well I'm not sort of questioning it, I guess it's just me trying to figure out, why I'm so depressed right now. The money situation isn't good, but I'm living ok, and I'm not having to give anything up to date. I'll cope like I always do. I think it's more to do with me and how I think about me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a fat, ugly bitch, who never goes out and has no self confidence. There are many reasons why I think like this, and many a time I could go out I don't as I don't want to spoil the night for anyone else. No one really likes me, they put up with me and that's something I know, but I don't think they realise that I know.

How does that make me feel? It makes me feel like a member of some sort of underclass. I'm treated as such at work, and it hurts like mad. I can't see why people treat me the way I do. I can't seem to be able to stop them, even by changing jobs I've ended up in the same position as I was, that's with a new manager. I'm even starting to question if I'm any good at the job I do! That's the worst thing I can do, as I've already convinced myself that it's the thing I do best, and if I'm no good at that, then I might as well forget everything.

I had a phone call last night off someone I know, and she was talking about the fact she's going for some facial surgery in November. I wouldn't mind, but she's 200% better looking than myself, and yet she says she needs this surgery to make her look normal. How the hell do you think that made me feel? In the end, I had to hang up on her, I felt like shit, I looked like shit and I made a note that come October if things are better, in terms of my own mental state, that's it everything comes to an end. I can't carry on like this, it's not fair to me, nor to others, I can't carry on and there isn't any point to carrying on. In the deck of cards that is life, I've been dealt with 52 jokers.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Morning After

Well, I don't normally watch England play football, but I did just that last night and what a joke it was. I've not laughed so much at a football team in ages. Still that's England and I don't care really. Though should they win the world cup (yeah right), I may say something. It's the morning after now, and though the laughter has died down, the stark reality is they were awful. They were so bad, it's damaged the national pride. So this morning the country is waking up, to the notion that our cricket team, has to restore that pride, they have to beat Australia. They've done it twice already this summer, but this is the big one, winner takes all. The Ashes and the country's pride is at stake.

Away from the world that is sport, what's going on? Well another day in work yesterday, which has seen my hours worked since my agreement with Godfrey rise to 20 hours. That's just under the amount I agreed to do, so I guess that I'm on track to get things done ok, and be back to zero by the time October starts.

Whilst being in over these past few days, I've had a couple of discussions with my new manager, about practises and the way we do things. In some ways I'm glad this is happening, as we are challenging each other over the way we work. It's all cordial, in that we are fighting our corners, comprimising if needs be and having the idea's of others thrown in for good measure. While I'm happy she's come in and is bringing fresh ideas, those ideas are based upon her experience with working with young people with visual disabilities. We have a wide range of disabilities which, brings with each and everyone a unique approach to working with them. Some of the idea's given while good in theory, I don't think will be good in practise. We will just have to wait and see.

Onto something completely different, prior to the football on the tv last night was a programme about this doctor who claims to be able to rid motorists of road rage. I hadn't planned on watching it, but thought it's only 30 minutes of moving wall paper prior to the fun and games. It was really good. To see some of the things these people were doing was scary. I know quite a few people don't enjoy my driving, they claim I drive to fast and I'm unsafe. Most accept though that I have faith in my own abilities and that my accident rate isn't as high or bad as they make out to be. My driving is now more of a running joke than anything.

Whilst watching this programme last night I could understand why people have a go at me, but I can put my hand on my heart and say I'm not that bad. I'm not aggressive behind the wheel. I can accept that the other week, my driving was probably at it's worst for ages, but I was never aggressive. I'm going to sit down and watch this series to see how this doctor does, as I think she's got her hands full.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Working when you have no work

Right, here we go.. This may sound strange, but going into work right now and trying to fit my hours in that I need to work, is probably the hardest work I've ever done. Apart from restricted hours due to the amount of over time I've done, going in right now is so hard. We are not working with the children, we are supposed to be doing nothing till the end of September, when it so happens I'll be away. So I'm going into the office and just trying to fill the hours in doing things that I think need to be done.

Many people over at school would say that I'm the expert in doing such a thing but at school I would find something to do, or at least ask. Right now there is nothing which really needs doing. It's so difficult to stay in the place when you've got nothing more than to phone some one up and ask them to a meeting in 2 weeks time. It's crazy.

Well I managed to get into the police station with my license yesterday and got quite a bit of sympathy, which suprised me. I didn't expect it, but still that's the way it went.

The weather is excellent, though the forecast is for rain at the end of the week. I don't know if I should laugh or cry at that. I've been following the cricket through out the summer and the final nail biting test is due to start on Thursday. Now the intention is for me to work my hours so I can stay and watch as much of the test match as possible. I should see a lot of it as the match should last for around 3 or 4 days. I can't see it lasting the full 5 days, though the rain effected game at Old Trafford did. Now ok, for those not interested it will mean nothing, but I'm sure that most of you who are into sport would be with me in this. You'd rather your team win something fair and square than by default. Right now going into game 5, the score is 2-1 to England, and 1 game to play. The other game was drawn, now I'd rather we get a result out of the game than have it rained off. I'm not one for supporting England normally, but in this case I will.

Should go back to today at work! I had to encounter one of the worst smells EVER!!! As part of the operation to clear up after playscheme's a couple of crash mats had to be returned to one of the schools today, and after that I went with a colleague to the refuge tip, to throw away stuff we no longer need. All well and good, but the minibus was too big to go under the barrier, so we were sent to the big garage to drop the rubbish off. I'm telling you that place stinks, how to describe it, it was garbage that was baking in an oven, with the pungent smell of rotting fish to cap it off. For 3 minutes we had to breathe it in, let the bus obtain this smell inside it, etc. My colleague had no idea it would smell so badly, I did say she could stay on the bus and leave it to me. I've been in that place before and it stunk then, but not as bad as that today......

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Visiting Police Stations

Well I tried to take my driving license to the local police station the one I nominated last week. Guess what it's shut down, I should have realised that, as the local police force has built 3 brand new stations, all identical looking and all super big. Guess what though, outside all the police stations are phones so you can call inside either late at night or what ever. Well the one I went too which has shut has a phone outside. Now my logic says that the phone should have been redirected to the new station, so if you make the mistake I did, you get put through to the new station and they'll tell you where to go. Wrong, the automatic phone line comes up with number unobtainable.....

So without further a do I headed to the new station only to realise when I got into the station to hand over my license that I not only my plastic id license card did I need, but the paper part to it. I could have shot myself for forgetting that. I also means that should I not make it down tomorrow I'll be in bigger trouble. They wouldn't even make a record that I've at least tried to hand over my documents to them within the 7 days allowed.

I came home and looked through all my car stuff, but panic set in!! I couldn't find the second part of my license. Where could it be? I've had it this year, I've used it on a couple of occasions if not more. I really did get worried, more so that last night I had been dreaming of prisons. Was that an omen? I gave up looking and went around to my mum's. It was while on the drive around that I suddenly remembered that the reason I'd used the license was hiring minibuses earlier this year, and that it will be with all my proof of address. I've found it now and will go down to the cop shop tomorrow and sort things out.

It's 3 years of 6 points on my license, which bumps my insurance up a bit, even if I've not had an accident which would destroy my no claims bonus. I hate this.

Apart from the above this weekend has been a good one, the weather has been really nice, real hot as well. A couple of weeks back I was going to put my shorts and stuff into storage for the winter and bring out all the jumpers etc. This weekend has seen a swift return to shorts and t-shirts. Long may this hot weather last, you know it's hot when you get in your car and you burn your hands on the steering wheel.

Friday, September 02, 2005

So It Begins

Without going into great detail, I'm going to make a couple of statements right now. I'm being placed into a role at work, which is virtually the same as it was at school. I'm going to keep my mouth shut till Christmas when things are due to alter. If they don't alter at that point the shit will hit the fan. If after Christmas I'm moaning about them using me as a driver and not what I'm paid to do, please, please, please remind me to say something, anything.

The second situation is that I've got someone I know moving in upstairs. Now she's a great kid, she's got her problems and she's used me in the past to help sort her out. The problem is that I'm a sucker when it comes to her asking for help. Now with her moving upstairs of me, all I can envisage is any problems she has and guess where she's going to run!! I don't mind, but at times I do mind and no matter what I do or say she won't listen to me. This just pisses me off, she'll ask for advice and yet won't take it. So if I start moaning about her then I'm sorry. If it gets to much shout at me.