Monday, April 23, 2012

New Mobile

I've slowed down the amount of times I'm posting in here, not deliberately, but I just have and that's strange.  I'm not sure where I'm at with that concept.  Still I'm back and writing once more.  

Well, last Wednesday was interesting to say the least, after all the crap I felt and how heightened it was, I've sort of settled back down some what.  However, it's still in me, I'm not through the mud as you were, I'm still very aware of things.  I'll see how this week goes, see how I cope.  Normally I wouldn't be so aware, but due to the football, and how stressed that's going to make me this week, I guess I've got to observe how I am.  Football stress isn't something that I'd normally include in all my normal stress situations, it's a positive stress, one that I tend to enjoy, however I know that after last week, I'm not in a stable place and need to stabalize quickly.  Those moves are taking place, but adding another stress on may make the recover slower or knock it off course, positive or not.  

So what's new?  Well not a lot really.  Actually there is something new.  After last Wednesday, I knew I needed something to cheer me up, so on Friday I went into Manchester to do some shopping.  Now my budget isn't large and I want for very little to be fair, well I say want for little, I want lots to be honest.  My budget doesn't all me that luxary and thus I limit what I do buy and only when I need to.  However, I had decided to treat myself to a new mobile for my room, I'd not bought one for ages, and so I went to the Bridgewater Hall and found one that I'd been looking at for years if I'm honest.  The best bit was it was on sale and having been expecting to pay up to £20 for it, the £2 price was a hell of a bargin.  I didn't buy myself anything else, though tempted as I was by the array of Oilers caps I found?  That's another story all together, I resisted.  Yet finding the caps, buying the mobile and then playing with the cell phones so I've an idea about what I want when I upgrade this time next week, made Friday a really nice day.  The opposite of Wednesday and a calming influence upon me, perhaps I should should add shopping to the list of things that help me.

This week, is a relatively free week, very little planned.  So what happens happens and what doesn't well that won't matter because because it doesn't happen does it? 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Being Ugly

Over the past few months I've been rather happy, typing away anything and everything, mainly the positive things with a few odd negatives thrown in for good measure.  Today however I sit here with dread at what I'm about to type.  Not that it's bad news or anything, but because of the way I'm feeling and I know it's going to end up with me exploring my own feelings and my ow image, and that can be painful to write.  Well no it isn't painful to write it's rather simple actually, what s painsful is how open I'll be and how when I come to read it back, near to the bone I can get.

Let's be clear, I'm in a good place or I think I am.  However a couple of things this week have perhaps rang a few bells that I need to look at and perhaps I've spotted things early and can address things earlier than the norm, without stumbling into a depressive state.

Today has been a bad day in so many ways, it started off fine, no problems and off to Leigh I went.  It was whilst in Leigh that things started to go bad as such.  I haven't had any issues with the goings on in Leigh for a while, and today was going well to start with, but then I started to notice little things, little errors, that whilst I could handle them, after a while of mentally batttling them, I gave up.  Now that's understandable I guess, but this was way sooner than normal, and I had no real justification to do so either, so I fought it hoping that I'd break through.  However, I couldn't fight it, I didn't break through and I ended up having to stop.  I needed some time to compose myself, I was getting upset, and I knew I needed to stop or else I wouldn't be able to hide how upset I was.  I took a minute and looked at what had been done.  It was then I collapsed.  

I say collapsed, I mean mentally collapsed, I looked in the mirror once, then twice and then broke down.  I think the reaction was due to the little errors whilst only minor they became more than an irritation, and harder to fight.  Seeing how good a job had been done, but what was around that shredded me.  I couldn;t handle it.  It seems never ending the fight to get it done, and it seems like I'm not winning even though I am.  However, I was broken, I couldn't see anything other than failure.  I got myself together, got out of the room and then broke down again, it's been a long time since I've felt like this.  All the joking aside, I have never been "attractive", I know I'm ugly, but I felt uglier than ever this morning and it hurts when I realise that.  Nothing anyone could say would have stopped me thinking that.  

Now I've had some time to sort my head out, it's still not with it totallly, but I realised that on Monday I really didn't have any energy to do anything even though I had a meeting to go to.  I didn't have any desire to attend or participate.  I was amazed that I managed to get through it to be honest.  Thinking about that, and what has happened today, I need to do something about it.  I need to do something different, something to cheer me up.  I don't know what, maybe I should go and buy myself a new mobile, like I've been thinking about.  I have chatted to the shop at the Bridgewater Hall, I've an idea as to what they've got on offer, but having looked at the website, I'm sort of looking at 2 or 3 specific mobiles, I may call back tomorrow and see if they have any of the ones I'm looking at, to siee if they have them in.  If so I can make my mind up, if not I'll have to go with something different....  However, let's see if something goes right for once.  

Saying that I hope something goes right for once isn't fair, I had a rather lucky weekend last weekend, so I shouldn't suggest that things don't go right for me that isn't true. 

Friday, April 13, 2012

Not Guilty.

It's Friday 13th today, it's meant to be an unlucky day and whilst I don't wish to tempt fate, (I'm unlucky enough as it is) so far so good.  I've been out shopping, I've got exactly what I wanted at exactly the price I wanted it and so over the weekend I'm going to have roast pork for the first time in ages and ages.  The local Aldi had reduced some of the joints by 50% this morning, so at a very reasonable price for a rather large joint I'm more than happy.  Now all I have to do is see how many meals I'll get off it.  I'm predicting minimum of 2, probably 3 or 4.  

Yet, in the midst of the joys of my shopping trip on my return I saw something on facebook that sort of got me feeling guilty, and I began to descend into a guilt trip about what I wrote in here the other day.  I'm not saying which that would be unfair and probably would lead me to heaping more guilt upon myself.  However, I stopped myself quite quickly which is unusal for me in that respect.  I don't have to feel guilt on this issue, something has been amiss for a while now and I don't know where it went wrong.  So whilst the timing of my post may not endear me to others, and I can really understand that, I don't regret the post and I wasn't aware of or could have known.  

Will this be something to define today with?  No of course not, I'm aware that it's just port of the chaos that can describe what life is about.  I almost got into a debate on this last night, before backtracking or else it could have been a long night for a few people, and it was never intended to be so.  Still a good long standing tradition was upheld last night as a celebration for someone's service to Barnardo's in Salford ended up in the pub across the road.  The amount of hours, the amount of drinks and great, weird and funny conversations that's led to over the years is way to many to remember and some of the people involved in them are starting to fade from my memory as much I guess there's.  Some of those people I miss dearly, people to whom good friendships were had, and lost.  Well I use the term lost I don't think half the people I'm thinking about I've lost the friendship, more we've moved on and hardly ever see or speak to.  We are all in other circles and it's a shame as some of those friends were some of the best friends and closest friends I'd had.  Still just thinking about some of them and some of the times we had brings a smile to my face.  Puddles, shoes, drink, McDonalds, poor excuses and road trips come to mind, as well as failing badly at trying to find restaurants that served foreign fare in the early 90's that wasn't Indian, Italian, or Chinese.  

So onto today, not quite sure what I've got planned after this perhaps a shower, watch a tv show and then a walk?  I was thinking of going to say hello to someone, but I don't know yet.  I know that it would be a good thing, but who knows?  However, I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't or if I do, I'm on an even keel today.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Bird Fights

I ended up yesterday's post being rather bitter and angry and that isn't me right now.  Well it is sort of, but it isn't if you know what I mean?  If I knew what I meant might be helpful.  Still it was good to write it down and try and make some sense of the whole issue.  However, it's done it's dusted and onto today.

From the hail storms of yesterday to a nice pleasant day today, some light drizzle, but mainly a bright mild day, one good enough to hang my washing out to dry, which when I came back from the laundrette I didn't think would happen.  Still to come this afternoon after this post is a little party as such for someone I've known for a long time now, I guess 15 years as this party is to mark her 15th year as a volunteer at Barnardo's.  I'm looking forward to it, it will get me out of the flat and chatting to people, though I've done that already today, though not much.

My ability to write any quality is either vanishing or as I've said before, when I'm in a good place I write rubbish.  I think I need some anger in my writing which is good, but not good, as my best posts seem to be when I'm down or upset and I don't like being in that position and I'm very frank and open about myself when there.  Now as can be seen by this and other posts I'm shy, and almost reclusive, I don't offer much insight which is good, but I do wish it was the reverse of this, in that I could write when in a good spot and not a darker place.  

I sit typing this, looking into the tree in next door's garden, the leaves are begining to grown and soon it will be very beautiful again.  The thing about the tree this spring more than any other spring I've sat and watched it go from bare branches to a leaf laden tree, is the amount of birds either fighting or performing some mating dance.  It's been almost daily now for the last 2 or 3 weeks.  It's very interesting watching them, be it the smaller birds that I have no idea what they are, pigeons or magpies.  It's facinating to say the least and interesting.  

With that I'll start to wind down, I'm going to have a cup of tea, and some ginger biscuits before getting ready and heading off to the party. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A Word in my Shell.

Well the weather gods got me back today big style.  It's been quite mild of late, and so that's meant shorts are now out of the wardrobe and being worn, it's no longer cold enough for me to justify to myself that I need to keep wearing jeans most of the time.  So it was with that last night that whilst waiting to go swimming I fought the tide with what seemed like everyone else in stating that it wasn't COLD.  So today, I was sat in my flat watching NCIS, when I heard the pitter patter of rain on my window.  That got louder and a torrent of hail stones was falling and fell for some time.  The back garden looked like we'd been hit by a snow storm.  So when I went to the shops this afternoon, in a nice clear spell, mild and some blue sky.  I got out, and started to walk and half way on my journey I stopped to talk to a friend's mum whom I've not seen for a while.  We started to chat, when one or two drops of rain started to fall, then as I let her go, a return of the hails stones and the same velocity.  I still insist that it's not cold, I'll keep wearing shorts, but still the rain and hail made it cold.

OK, a bit of a confession and this isn't a bad thing.  Of late I've noticed one or two things that didn't seem right.  One of two decisions had been made around me, without my knowledge or will if you know what I mean.  It has upset me and hurt me I guess, I didn't chose for these to happen, but it does have an effect on me.  Looking back and trying to evaluate things, I think that perhaps I may be a bit to blame, but I'm not sure what I can do to reverse these decisions.  I do have to try, but how I'm not so sure, as I thought that I'd actually changed things, perhaps trying to fit in has been the wrong thing to do, I should have stuck to who I was, that was how I'd come to be in the position for the decisions to be made.  I say that in that I wouldn't have been in the situations had I made changes before hand, I wouldn't have effected others the way I have to cause the decisions to be made.  I'm looping around in circles here, as I want to tip toe through things and I'm not sure that I actually know where I'm going through anyway.  

Perhaps I need to retreat, climb back into my shell, sit back and contemplate what I need to do from here.  I need to sort out in my head the what,why,where and when etc.  Oh sack it, I'm going to leave this now, I am fed up of trying to make everyone happy, I've obviously failed and if I knew why, I'd be able to learn, but hey ho.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Fishy stories

Oh the joys of writing a blog, occasionally one has nothing to write and others plenty.  Sometimes it feels stunted and others well quite the opposite.  Right now I'm feeling relaxed, but not sure where I'm going a common feature I guess with me, and to be honest I've no idea where I'm going with this entry, but as I right I can feel the creativitiy or relaxed attitude to writing this vanishing.

So to relax I'm starting a new paragraph, no longer describing how I feel it's pointless, well it isn't it's just hindering me and half any train of thought that I had has now gone, so I'm really going to have to work to get some where today.  It's Easter anyway and whilst in years gone by and for many it will mean chocolate, not for me, not that I'm to sad about that but that I can resist is good.  I can't say it won't be hot cross bun free, that's one of the delights of Easter food, hot cross buns.  I'm not sure what it is, but I love them to bits, I can eat them without anything like I would an apple, I can slice them and add butter, or toast them, it just doesn't matter they are eaten.  Talking for food and this is sort of a weak link, well the starter is, last night as it was Good Friday, it was fish and now I don't go on about my cooking much.  I can cook, but for so long I've thrown stuff together on the budget I've got that I simply don't cook as much as I like.  Yes, I make meals, but it's hardly rocket science as the saying goes.  Neither was last night, except I've got to say the fish I did was probably amongst the best fish meals I've ever done.  I know it was basic carrots and spuds, but it was the fish that I was most proud of.  I some how managed to cook it to perfection, so the sole, had a hint of lemon, as well as some bite from the chilli and pepper that I'd applied before cooking.  I could try another 100 times and I doubt that I'd even get near to repeating that feat.  

Now onto Good Friday, I know I posted on twitter and facebook that I'm not sure why it's named Good Friday.  I can expand my thinking here in long form, rather than so many character spaces.  We seem to think or the church would like us to celebrate Good Friday, but aren't we celebrating the execution of a prominent figure?  Now with that in mind I'm sure that killing anyone isn't good, the churches own book, the bible has a story about some guy coming down a mountain having spoken to god and with 10 rules or commandments on how we should lead our lives (not that I follow releigion in any way shape or form).  In those 10 rules, I'm pretty sure that one says "Thou Shall Not Kill", which means that Good Friday is actually celebrating the breaking of one of these rules.  Which brings me back to the idea of it being Good?  Why is it good?  Whilst also some how trying to figure out why this day changes every year and how come we don't have a set date when we should celebrate it?  I guess like with Christmas the christian church doesn't really know when the birth of Jesus or death took place, they've added them onto older religious holidays and made them there own.  Which would in some ways break another of the 10 rules, "Thou Shall Not Steal".  

Please don't moan at me if you are religious, I'm not having a pop at you as individuals, it's just that I don't believe and I like to question things, and somethings are quite random in my head.  I blame it on being forced to eat nasty green vegatables as a child, even though they tasted horrible.  Green is beauty, and not something to eat, well it was then.  It's had an effect on me, I'm sure.  With that I'll leave this, I'm going to have poached egg on toast for breakfast, then a shower before sitting down to watch the World Track Cycling championships from Melbourne.  Team GB are doing very well, leading the medal charts with 4 golds, though the Aussies have more actual medals, we can change that today. 

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Scarey, well perhaps.

I like many had believed that spring had brought with it warmer weather. Well if it had then it was short lived, as today it's freezing, in this country I call home we've got places without electricity due to high winds, and snow isolating villages at the start of April  It tried to snow here in Salford earlier on today, but it didn't stick and it quickly turned to rain.  I've been out this lunch time and got back bitterly cold, so I'm enconsed at home trying to keep warm.

However, I'm going to write about someone else today, a friend to whom I speak a lot to, but the more and more I learn about some of the things he's done the more and more I'm shocked.  Now nothing he's done is nasty or offensive, but for a guy his age, some of the things I've learnt scare me.  He's only a couple of years younger than myself, but he owns his own business, but till recently has never had a bank account.  Was shocked to learn once he'd opened a bank account that he could use any branch of that bank to pay money in, and take out.  For anyone in there 30's to not know this sort of scares me and more so that he runs a family business. 

Banks are not his only weak spot, technology is as well.  In his own words he doesn't send text messages from his phone he sends teletexts, now teletext is like morse code, only just around.  So why he uses that terminology I don't know.  He's shocked to learn of some of the things a new smartphone can do.  This is a guy in his 30's not some old person who hasn't kept abreast of all these new fangled things we have today.  

My firneds compuer skills are just as bad.  He's just finished the first half of a course to help him improve his computer skills, he's so happy that he thinks he's some sort of genius.  His delight in trying to tell me how good Office is, and what it can do was funny in how far he's got to go.  He talks of growing up with computers, though his last computer he had was a Sinclair Sprectrum 128.  Nothing from that point onwards, so is it not surprsing that he's so far behind with his computer skills.  

Then I come to last night, he sent me a text message, that was aimed for someone else, but it revealed that he doesn't even know the concepts of a +1 tv channel.  I have to say I laughed at how silly that sounds, but he doesn't even know how they work.  It leaves me speechless it really does, how has he got so far without half of this knowledge.  It scares me that he's been so behind as such, but then he's managed to survive, so I don't know if I should be praising him.  However, either way some of the stories of his failings are wonderfully funny and he doesn't know why.  

Sunday, April 01, 2012

No Kidding..

A new month and officially a quarter of the year gone, where has it gone to I don't know?  It's flown by, I haven't been able to really grasp the speed at which this year has gone so far.  Still time to try and slow down now, and start to enjoy things more.  

So after sorting out my rent situation, I thought that I'd be in line for a new phone soon, but it seems I was wrong.  I was told earlier this week when I paid my latest bill that I'd be able to upgrade as of today, which was wonderful news to my ears, as I pointed out in my last post.  However on contacting my provider, it now seems that it's the end of this month and not the start of it.  So I'm stuck with my old phone for another 4 weeks, not that I can't wait, I've been waiting a while now anyway.  

Instead of walking to the nearest shop to collect a phone I just walked into Eccles to see if I could pick up a bargin or two, I got a small bargin or two, but nothing as much as I have in the past.  Fish for Good Friday and some turkey which I could use in a number of dishes, so hey ho.  On the way back I bumped into an old friend and was delighted to see he's now the proud father of a beautiful little girl.  It was excellent news, as I knew that he and his partner had had difficulties before in there attempts to have children.  We had a good chat, though of course he couldn't chat for as long as either of us really wanted as he was off out with said daughter, either to Manchester or Liverpool to an art gallery, a nice way for any 8 month old to become familiar with art work.  I will have to pop around to his house which is only around the corner from me and has some of my stuff in his cellar, and really natter and catch up.  It's just knowing if he's in etc.  

This coming week I'm out on Tuesday, at an AGM.  I'm not sure what will happen at this event (I don't mean what happens at an AGM, but more how the meeting will develop).  Hopefully it will go peacefully and issues can be resolved. Other than that this week is a very quiet week.  College is closed this week for Easter holidays as it is the following week, though on the Tuesday I'm going in to do some video filming with one of the students for whom I'm modelling for.  I think they've got a good chance of progressing through to the finals if they perform as well as they can.  That would be excellent news for the student and the college again.  So apart from that a really quiet week, I may see if my niece is about and if she wants to do anything, but I doubt it.  When I texted her yesterday she said she was at camp, so I don't know if that's for the week or not.  We'll have to see.  

On drawing this post to a conclusion, I wish to try and understand why for the first two and a half paragraphs of this post nearly every word I added an E to the end of it, it was quite odd.  I have no idea why I was doing it and half the time it was just part of my normal typing action, with no thought process attached to it.  That's the strange part of it, it was instinctive and now after spotting it and making a note of it, I'm no longer doing it and typing freely, though my error rate has increased, which is unlike me again.  I'm not making any extra effort to not type  the letter E and not concentrating on what I'm typing so it's just a complete mystery and one I'm going to try and leave when I finish this post.  So it's a good bye now, and till the next time...... Just be yourself.