Thursday, January 12, 2012


I started out posting daily this year, but with things going the way they were, and with issues over my keyboard (it needed batteries and I didn't get any till yesterday), I have kept away from here till now.  I'm sorry,  no actually I'm not sorry it gave me time to think and time to observe.

Being back in the swing of things as the phrase goes has got myself out of the nose dive I'd been in.  I'm speaking to people on a semi regular basis and I'm doing stuff that over Christmas I wasn't doing as over that 2 week period from sort of like Dec 20th, till just after New Year the world sort of stops and we do our own things.  So now I'm back into the routine of life I'm feeling content again.  I've still yet to see anyone from the house, I'm going to see how long that can last.  It isn't because I don't like them, well I don't like 2 of the other tennants in the property, though one of those two I've never really talked to.  However, I digress.  

Yesterday was a fine example of where I'm at.  I should have been going up to Leigh for an appointment, at 7am I'd heard on the radio of an accident on the motorway near by, but didn't think anything else of it.  I had to leave the house for around 9am as the bus goes just past the hour.  The same bus that I was going to catch when I had the fall the other week.  So I got to the stop a full 10 minutes before the bus was due and waited.   I waited past the 10 minute mark, and then 20 minutes, knowing that I'd have missed the first connecting bus to Leigh, but I would catch the second and just about make it.  However the bus hadn't arrived 30 minutes after it should have.  A bus did pass, but at that point in time it wasn't one I could catch as I'd miss the connection bus, so I carried on waiting.  The second bus which was due didn't come and so after an hour I left frustrated and angry that no busses had arrived.  I called the depot and asked was there an issue, with the thought of giving them a full blast of how angry I was.  However, they mentioned that the motorway crash had caused a 23 mile tail back.  Yet, when I pushed them on the fact that other busses coming from the same place the bus I wanted had passed he had no idea why the one I needed hadn't.  I guess the traffic going to the local shopping centre was hit the hardest, as the busses that came and went, had come in from a different route.  

So had I been in the foul mood I had entered this year in, I'd have swung this upon myself, and really given myself some grief and some how blamed myself for this and would have convinced myself that it's only me that could have that bad luck.  However, it was a one off for sure and it wasn't too bad.  I did miss my appointment, I'll be there next week now, and it's no big loss.  I got to watch all the tv shows that I had stacked up, which in turn gave me the chance to find others later in the day.  Not once did I take a negative outlook on this situation, which really pleased me.

The other thing about yesterday which I found pleasing if not a little strange.  All day after returning to my flat, and having a shower was that I could hear the birds chirping away as if it was the opening salvo of spring.  I know we've had a mild winter to say the least, but Jan 11th is a little early for the start of spring.  It was quite nice to hear the birds singing and made yesterday a rather relaxing and enjoyable day, where as had that taken place 7 days previously I'd have been bouncing up and down and trying to find any little reason to blame myself for what had gone on.  That's progress.  The only negative thoughts that I did have was dispelled in the middle of the afternoon when I got a phone call off my best friend.  Whom I'd guessed was working quite hard of late as we hadn't really spoken to each other since before Christmas.  She called me and we chatted for a while as she sped home on a train. It was so nice and as I say it sort of threw out the notion that I'd said or done something to upset her, and hence the silence.  I had thought that at one point in the day, and quickly threw it out of my head, knowing if I started to look at that thought I'd end up in a bad place.  The phone call was perfect timing.

Friday, January 06, 2012

4 small walls are turning into large walls.

At some point next week, I'll be heading to the doctors to have a chat and some tests done, I'm due my next set of bloods soon, so I'll discuss one or two things then with them.  Hopefully things will go Ok, and I can move on.

Though perhaps I'm feeling better as it is.  I think I pinpointed the problem possibly last night, possibly earlier this morning, I can't quite remember.  No I wasn't drunk, and couldn't remember the past 24 hours, but right now I'm trying to work out when I had a little thought and it all clicked.  I guess half of the stuff I was feeling towards the end of last week and the start of this week was due to what could be described as cabin fever, though I do know the loneliness that I talked of was real, I think the cabin fever adds to that feeling.

I say that from as of Friday 23rd Dec, through till Wednesday of this week, the only people I'd seen were those in shops and only one of them I actually know.  So over a week and a half I spoke to no one or saw no one apart from online.  I've not seen any of my nieghbours since before the 23rd, so it's been quite a crazy time holed up in this flat which as I've described before is probably smaller than the average prison cell.  

Yes, I've been out to the shops and I've been out for walks, but communicating with others hasn't been the main thing I've been doing so that probably sent all the alarm bells ringing and my moods suffered. Since going out on Wednesday, Thursday and today and chatting to friends and people I know I feel so much better.  With my social life getting back to normal after the festive break, I'm starting to feel a bit better.  I'm not convinced that this is the sole answer to the situation, I'm sure that there are underlying things in this that I have to discover and work on as per usual, but progress has been made and I'm picking myself up as I normally do.  

A special mention of thanks to someone who gave me a smart wake up call, with a comment some where.  That helped to kick me out of the slumber in it's own way.  So thank you for that, you know who you are, I hope you have a good weekend, and we'll have to re-arrange that chat you've been seeking for a while now, if you still want it. 

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Brighter Freedoms.

The wind is high, the sun is up, and my mood brighter than it was.  The social aspect of life does work wonders on me, over the past two days I've spoken to friends in person for the first time since just before Christmas, yesterday at a meeting and today I took my niece out for lunch.  Well to the local chippy.  So my mood is high, I think, no I know it's my niece that has brightend up my day.  I don't know what it is, but we just had fun.  Be it chattering away or with her deciding to play with all the little trinket toys I've got on my shelves, we just click.  It's such a shame we don't see half as much as we should do.  

I learnt some stuff that perhaps I shouldn't have, but hey I don't care that's for others to worry about, in terms of I know but they don't know that I know.  However, it was just nice to spend some time free of anyone else.  Well it would have been till she told me that she was going to meet my mum after lunch.  Apart from curtailing our time, it was interesting to find out that even though my niece is now 15, my sister doesn't like her being alone at home.  Nor does she like her getting on a bus on her own.  Yes, perhaps it s a different time to that in which I grew up, but at her age, I had so much more freedom, and expected it, rather than not.  Maybe it's a sign of getting old I don't know, but I was shocked at that news.  

Anyway, I'm still pondering last night's cryptic post, and I am giving what I wrote serious thought. 

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Lost and afraid.

Every now and again there becomes a point where I have to step back and ask what am I doing, why am I here, what am I contributing and that is something that I'm asking myself right now.  I feel lost and afraid.  Afraid that I'm going to let others down, afraid of letting myself down and a little lost in a mysterious world that I've suddenly entered.  I've entered a world that I'm probably capable of exploring, and working in, but feel lost right now.   I can see others in this world, all doing meaning full roles, and contributing to it's existence, but I feel I'm wandering around like a stranger.  

I am starting to think if I should leave this world, I know I don't want to, but if I can't help out then I should let someone else to replace me and contribute to the well being of the world.  Yes, I should give it more time and shouldn't rush into anything, but how long is it before the term rushing can no longer exist?  How long is it till the world starts to crumble because the others can't do there own jobs as they are trying to add on what I should be doing?  So I am considering what to do, how long before I accept yet another of my failings.

Now is that another reason I'm scared, of me failing, of me continuing the self imagined failings of myself?  Probably and that's just stupid, but yet it can be proven.  So I fight, I'll fight till I can't any longer, but I'm aware of the failings, and in that I can at least build up what ever and try and help.   

However, apart from that, can't say I'm happy, can't say I'm depressed, but I'm some where on the negative I guess.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Am I alone??

It was but yesterday when I mentioned snow and sleet, well neither came and whilst I was none to impressed I was also quietly pleased.  However, today is different again.  Today the weather forcast was for high winds, and yes we've got wind, it may not be high here ins wonderful Salford, but I'm sure in other places it's not going to be nice.

The question I pose myself right now, is why am I writing?  I feel so much different to what I did a few days ago, the mood, the despair have gone, so what's altered?  Is it the walking ?  Is it the fact that we are now in a new year and all the "festivities" are now over??  It isn't even the 12th night and so many people are talking about taking down decorations and getting back into the swing of mundane life.  Perhaps it's that?  I mean for me  Christmas and New Year were just other days in my existance.  I mean I did one or two things different, but not many, I didn't have much money to play with to make things festive and thus, they were just ordinary days really.  

However I do need to explore New Year's Eve, what was it that sent me over the edge and into utter despair?  Why did I go from being a bit down to bouncing around close to the depths of depression?  What was the trigger?  was it the football?  I douobt it, I know I wasn't happy about it, but football doesn't send me to the places I explored that day.  Fall I did, but to recover so well, so quickly and not resort to medicine is impressive for me.  I think perhaps spotting and coming in here and writing and going back to last May and recalling what I wrote about walking helped.  What does stand out though is the intense feeling of loneliness I felt just before midnight on New Years Eve, that was horrible.  In September of last year, I wrote about my panic attack at my friends house on her wedding day.  The sense of being alone on NYE, was as strong as that, and though I know I'm generally lonely, this was a new feeling.  Why did that hit me, like that then?  Why was it so strong?  I don't know, I need to look into this, as I'm doing more now socially through various activities than I was this time last year.  So why did I feel so lonely?  

What ever the answer is I can't write it now, as I don't have the answer.  I need to sit down or perhaps explore this during a walk, where I can take a look at myself a bit better than I can at home.  Will I find an answer?  I hope so, but will it appear here?  I don't know it may do in a cryptic form, but we'll have to wait and see.  Yet, one thing is for certain, that even though I've been through a lot, I've done lots of things good and bad, I still find ways to shock myself and find new emotions all the time.  Life's one big learning roller coaster. 

Monday, January 02, 2012

2012 2012

I sit perched on the edge of my chair, with keyboard on my lap, and seeing some clouds in the distance, but on the whole a bright clear winters day.  I'm just bloody curious then why the weather forcast at around 3am this morning suggested snow and sleet in the North West......  Unless it's hiding some where it isn't looking like it's going to snow or sleet right now.  

Well, here we are nearly midday on the 2nd day of 2012, so that's 36 hours gone, and not a single text or phone call from my family wishing me a Happy New Year.  Why I should be bothered or expect such a thing I don't know.  I'm hoping that I can get to see my niece this week, on Thursday hopefully to go out for lunch.  After last week's abortive attempt which really hurt me.  The plan is there, we've both agreed on it, so I'll contact her either later today or tomorrow to sort out the finer details.  

How am I doing?  Well having been out for a walk early doors both today and yesterday, and by early I mean around 6am I'm feeling a bit better.  A lot calmer, but still not 100% far from it.  I may have been out and about walking, a good 5 miles each day, but I've not said boo to a goose on either of the walks, as there hasn't been anyone to say boo too.  However, it's done me some good and I'm trying to build myself up again.  My attention span is still short, but I'm sure once I've got a bit more calmness into my life I'll find it getting longer again.  

The one thing that I will say about early 2012, (well I've just remembered something else to type so it's two things about 2012 right now), it seems to be going slowly.  In the past couple of days I've looked at one of the clocks in my room, (why I have 3 clocks, and 3 other devices including my PC with the time in one small flat I don't know) and been shocked to find out what time it is.  Last night I looked up and thought it was about 22.30, only to find it was 21.00.  Just now I've looked at the clock and thought it seems so much later than midday.  If this carry's on 2012 will be one of the slowest years I can rememeber.

Onto the other thing about 2012.  Last year we had all the fuss over 11/11/11, however we've I've only just realised we've got something similar this year and it's going to be the last time for a while we'll see this I know.  On Dec 20th, which of course is virtually 12 months away we'll be writing down the date in numbers as such, 20/12/2012...  We won't see the like again till the start of the next century for sure.  I'm sure some where some church of some pokey ancient religion will be claiming it to be the end of the world, and I'm sure some people have a name for it.  All I know it's going to be 2012 2012 ....

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Hello 2012, with tears.

I wasn't expecting to still be up at this time, I had intended to have one drink at midnight and then go to bed.  Instead, I've had two glasses of bubbly, and also made myself some toast with tomato's and mustard on.  

Leading up to midnight, I suddenly stopped what I was doing and felt incredibly lonely, and with about 10 minutes to go before the start of the new year, I began to cry.  I couldn't stop myself and it took me till well past midnight to stop.  I missed being around someone, anyone at that moment, and the stark reality of my existance hit home.  

Since then I've been engaged in a chat on a forum over a variety of topics, none of which come close to being what the topic of the forum should be about, but hey ho who cares.  Some of what been said has cheered me up, I've been silly, and a bit cutting, and I don't care.  I've pulled back on occasion, not only there, but in face book too.  So I'm fully aware of the way I'm thinking.  At least I'm a bit happier to be conversing all be it in a manor that isn't conductive to instantanious responses.  

Oh and it's 2012, much the same as 2011.  We've still got 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, but this year we have 366 days instead of 365.  Woo hoo, another day to be depressed on.