Monday, March 25, 2013

New Home

One thing I've not mentioned really in any of the blogs I've written and this is something I'm slowly grasping and doing so with pleasure myself, is that I've found myself a new metaphorical home.

Many of you will know if you've read some of the older posts on here, that I volunteered for a organisation for 17 years, before moving across to work for them for a further 6 years, making my attachment 23 years with that organisation.  I started my involement with them at 15, so it has taken a big chuck of my life, in fact it's still over half of my life that I was involved with them.  When I left the organisation I vowed to a point not to volunteer again, and yet my posts from around September of last year will show you that I did just that, and subsequent posts probably stated how much I enjoyed doing so as well.

It wasn't though till recently that I realised that perhaps my own acceptance of where I was volunteering and also that I had settled into volunteering there came home to me.  One incident made me sit up and take note, and I'm now well aware that although I spent so long with Barnardo's and enjoyed my time there, that that isn't home any more, that isn't the main charity.  Yes, I'll always have time for them, I'll always give to them, but home is now where I'm at.  That's where I feel happy and energized to do things at.  That's where I'm willing to give up my time to do anything I can for, because I feel welcome, because I feel I can once again contribute.  

Now I know the mojo is slowly coming back, that's twice today or twice in the posts I've written since last night that I've stopped dead in my tracks with something I've written, something that I've written has made me think "Oh wow, that's an issue I hadn't thought about".  I'm feeling as if I'm contributing.  Now I've used variations of that word all over the posts these past 24 hours, and that's never hit me as it did at the end of the last paragraph.  I don't know why it has hit me like that, but it has now, and again I've got something to go away with, look at and think about.  Why would making a contribution make me feel good again, and why wasn't I feeling like that towards the end of my days at Barnardo's???    What stopped me feeling like that, was it a What?  Was it a who?  If so Why?  

Whoops it's looks like I've opened a can of worms for myself to consider, but that's good, it shows that I've moved on and can look at it all through different eyes, and new perspective and perhaps being so long in one place made me blind and oblivious to the situation.  That can help me now, I don't know if I'll be with this organisation for the next 22 years, who knows?  I'd like to think I could do that sort of thing again, but who knows?  Anyway, I've got a new metaphorical home and I'm so glad.

Not really Negatve

Three posts in 24 hours, possibly more!!  I am trying to find reasons to write to see how it flows to see if my methods is working.  4 months is a long time between writing and whilst the biggest and best news was talked about yesterday, other things have been going on.  Perhaps if I confront the more negaitive aspects of these times I can perhaps find another reason to why I've not found it easy to write.  After all, I've always said I've found writing to be cathartic, and that I find it easy to write when my mood is perhaps darker than what one would like it to be.  Which suggests I may be down at this point in time, of course I've said I'm forcing myself to type, but to be creative enough to type as much suggests that my mood is swinging.  

However, before anyone starts to panic, and I'm not I have to say that over the past week or so my health has been really poor.  I caught a cold, which isn't nice at the best of times, but it eventually led to me having breathing problems, after the sore throats, then the gunked up nose.  It was one after another from Monday to Friday of last week  So I'm going to use that to have swung what ever happy mood I was in to one of negativity, as I've said before my health has never been this consistently bad, and I've never had health issues like the ones I've got right now.  Perhaps, when I get the answers to those it will lift a weight that has landed on my shoulders and I can move on once more.  

I dare say the term more negative aspects of the times is a bit much, I don't think I've suffered much more than normal I guess, the ususal money issues, though of course my debts which I've long time complained about have been paid (new ones brought on board due to the holiday, but not a worry compared to what once was), so that was my own stupidity, my external hard drive crashed with all my music and video's on it.  I could retrieve them, but it will cost money, it will take time and so a circle begins, I'd previously said in posts pre-Christmas about the state of my PC, and aspirations of obtaining a new one.  Well in someways that's being answered, as I may well be getting a lap top, which I can use freelyish, and for general use.  Once that is done, and once my holiday is out of the way, and the new debts paid off, perhaps I can save again to buy the new PC I wanted.  Though I doubt I'll be saving at the same rate I'm doing now, but of course being able to do that would mean I'll be able to purchase a new PC quicker than I could at the original rate I'd intended.  That though is the future and also depends on how much money I bring back from Canada with me.  

So whilst I've had a few knocks over the past few months, they've not been bad knocks or major issues, but once more a culmination of knocks at perhaps the wrong time.  Each one chipping away at me, which is typical for me.  I wouldn't even say I've been down with them either, I was angry at myself over the money situation, but set about addressing that, and just as I did, the holiday arrived.  So a continued accounting of my finances may be in order for a while, till I'm straight on my feet again, by which time it may well be routine for me to actually account everything anyway, and I'd continue to do so.  

The other things have just happened, at the wrong time and have frustrated me, I guess the hard disk drive thing was the biggest issue, as I'd just started to listen to music again, properly rather than just using it for back ground stuff, I'd started to get new music as well, which makes me sad as well.  I've still got some and I've got my CD's, but it isn't the same is it?  Still life goes on, as with the video's on the disk drive, I'll be able to find them again, and hopefully if the lap top can burn DVD's I could capture and burn the video's I wanted and thus not have to worry about the lost videos any more.  


So what has been the problem? I don't know to be honest. Earlier this year I undertook a task to invite someone to a group meeting to give a presentation and lead a discussion after it. No problem, I'd done that before, and saw fit that I could do it again. However, when I sat down to write the initial email, what ever I wrote felt wrong, be it the tone, the wording and then I'd try to go in opposite directions and finally felt I'd leave it for another day. The other day came, I sat down, grabbed the keyboard and the same thing happened again. It then started to creep into ordinary emails, then into posts on Facebook and Twitter, till finally I lost all confidence in my ability to write. I had some for, or should I say hve some form of block, which is the first time I've ever had that sort of thing happen to me.

Yes, I know I've had great periods of inactivity in this place, but it's never stopped me writing emails or posts elsewhere. I can recall in my last job, that towards the end, I did start to resent having to write so much, knowing that everything would be pulled apart and I'd have to sit down and re-write it. I dreaded writing there at the end, but as much as I dreaded it, I still had to do it and did it. I'd never not be able to write something, though of course I'd have someone over my shoulder to be able to ask for guidance if I was struggling for wording or if the wording didn't feel correct. Maybe the problems I've got is that I've not got that someone over the shoulder to ask, "Does this read OK?"

It felt good to write yesterday and to get so much out, and that's why I've sort of come back early this morning to write again. I'm half delaying myself from doing some stuff I want to do, as I have other things to do as well, that I want to do before. In other words I've got TV shows to watch, but I want to do other things first, so am trying to keep me from watching the shows. Also by forcing myself to try and examine the problem I may come up with an answer, or at least formulate some sort of plan to counter the problems. One of my idea's is to write in here, and to try and ignore how it reads and if I'm repeating myself, just to get it out in the open.

Oh my, I may have just figured something here, and it seems very strange if it is. I really don't know. I was discussing this issue with someone yesterday, verbally of course, and I mentioned something that's long been an issue, my loneliness. I'm not going to cover that topic again here right now, well sort of, but I'm not going to go through the whole story it's well documented. However, I just had a realisation that even though I'd writing to people over this periood of time (the one with the writing problems and a period of time before), the response rate was some what slower than normal from the usual suspects. I know they have the reasons for that, and I'm not blaming them, nor is this an attack. However, could that, have led to me having a crisis of confidence in my ability to write? Could loneliness have perhaps found a new way of kicking me in the gut? It could be? Well it could be a contributary factor in all of this. Which seems strange as I've been quite active in many ways over this period. With two or three groups I've been involved in, my volunteering etc. So is it? I don't know it's an avenue to walk down and around to see what's there.

However, one thing is certain, whilst I'm no where near back, as I'm forcing these posts, I'm gaining some confidence in my ability to accept what I'm writing, I'm forcing myself to type, to write and let that go out into the wider world. Hopefully, forcing myself to do so, will help me get over this issue, and that I can slowly improve and move forward once more.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Forcing myself upon this Blog

Nearly 4 months, it's been nearly 4 months since I wrote in here, and why that is I don't know!!  I have to admit that I'm struggling with my writing of late, I'm forcing myself to write this in an attempt to free myself from some sort of writers block.  I've not been able to write important stuff now for the duration of this time, that stuff being some plans and emails, which haven't flowed.  My own personal emails have been few and far between and have felt some how shunted in construction.  So I've decided to come here, and force myself to write something. 

I guess, that I should discuss the biggest news story concerning myself this first quarter of the year.....  As of the moment, well not at this moment in time to be obvious, but as of now, I'm booked to go on holiday, and not just a weeks break down with Lisa or away on a residential or conference.  No, this is a big holiday involving passports, international driving permits and travel insurance.....  I'm off to Canada, I've been very, very lucky in that my Aunt has invited me to spend 2 weeks in Canada, and has offered to pay for me.  The tickets are booked the seats booked, now all I need to do is await my passport, to confirm everything, and hopefully that's it.  As you can see, though I'm am being cautious, as on too many occasions I've been in this sort of position and start to count the chickens only for some thing to happen and me to end up with no chickens.  

It's difficult to tell you how long ago it was since I got on a plane for a trip of this distance, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've left the UK on a holiday, though in between these times I have flown to Belfast twice and Glasgow once, the combined distances don't even reach half that of the trip to Canada, I'd be interested to work out if the combined distances come close to the subsequent drive I've got after my flight to my Aunt's house.  However that's all to come in June.  To say I'm excited is an understatement, it wasn't something I was expecting and whilst my health still isn't sorted, and this past week has seen a complete regression in my breathing abilites, it has been enlightening, as it yet again corrilates to myself having had a cold which is something for me to monitor, in the mean time before I go through with a minor operation, either in May or July.  I guess if there is a link to this then with the onset of a cold a trip to the doctors is required to obtain a prescription on steriods, which has seemingly improved my breathing by around 300%, or so it seems to myself in a couple of days. 

So since the news broke I've been on a huge saving splurge, which is matching my lifestyle as it was when I had the cumalative debts of last year and the year before.  Thankfully they've been sorted out, but only just or I wouldn't have been able to afford to go to Canada, even with my Aunt paying for my flight, I'd simply have no money to spend whilst over there.  I will have sufficient I'm sure now, though if my niece keeps adding to her wish list of Oilers merchendise I'll have nothing left when I return and I'll seriously have to take the money she's promised to pay me for everything off her. 

Though that in itself sort of pleases me, she's another Oiler fan and a hockey fan, and after last weeks trip to watch Manchester Phoenix, for the first time in years, she actually was discussing season tickets for next year, though both agree the finacing side of that may be a problem for both of us.  So we are looking into our options, but we both enjoyed the game, even if it was no where near the standard it used to be.  I can't say I was totally impressed with the sightlines in the rink, but hey not everything can be perfect though.  It was just good to be able to spend an evening with my niece once more, to chat, to have her threaten to kill me for going to Canada, and to be able to discuss other things as well.  It won't be long before we have a quite serious conversation, one that I know her parents won't want me to have, but if we are going to see more of each other and she's now of an age where she'll be able to understand the discussion and have her own opinions. 

That endeth this post, it was forced, and I've tried not to edit it to much which has been a problem with my emails and other documents, though I have noticed how I've gone against the norm for this blog and started paragraphs with same words, and so had to go back and re-write the start of them.  That maybe down to lack of practise or just because whilst this has flowed it hasn't quite flowed due to the nature of things right now.  It maybe because my fingers are so out of typing practise,even though this is done at a good pace, that I'm just not thinking or noticing little things as I go along, which would be understandable.