Monday, March 25, 2013
So what has been the problem? I don't know to be honest. Earlier this year I undertook a task to invite someone to a group meeting to give a presentation and lead a discussion after it. No problem, I'd done that before, and saw fit that I could do it again. However, when I sat down to write the initial email, what ever I wrote felt wrong, be it the tone, the wording and then I'd try to go in opposite directions and finally felt I'd leave it for another day. The other day came, I sat down, grabbed the keyboard and the same thing happened again. It then started to creep into ordinary emails, then into posts on Facebook and Twitter, till finally I lost all confidence in my ability to write. I had some for, or should I say hve some form of block, which is the first time I've ever had that sort of thing happen to me.
Yes, I know I've had great periods of inactivity in this place, but it's never stopped me writing emails or posts elsewhere. I can recall in my last job, that towards the end, I did start to resent having to write so much, knowing that everything would be pulled apart and I'd have to sit down and re-write it. I dreaded writing there at the end, but as much as I dreaded it, I still had to do it and did it. I'd never not be able to write something, though of course I'd have someone over my shoulder to be able to ask for guidance if I was struggling for wording or if the wording didn't feel correct. Maybe the problems I've got is that I've not got that someone over the shoulder to ask, "Does this read OK?"
It felt good to write yesterday and to get so much out, and that's why I've sort of come back early this morning to write again. I'm half delaying myself from doing some stuff I want to do, as I have other things to do as well, that I want to do before. In other words I've got TV shows to watch, but I want to do other things first, so am trying to keep me from watching the shows. Also by forcing myself to try and examine the problem I may come up with an answer, or at least formulate some sort of plan to counter the problems. One of my idea's is to write in here, and to try and ignore how it reads and if I'm repeating myself, just to get it out in the open.
Oh my, I may have just figured something here, and it seems very strange if it is. I really don't know. I was discussing this issue with someone yesterday, verbally of course, and I mentioned something that's long been an issue, my loneliness. I'm not going to cover that topic again here right now, well sort of, but I'm not going to go through the whole story it's well documented. However, I just had a realisation that even though I'd writing to people over this periood of time (the one with the writing problems and a period of time before), the response rate was some what slower than normal from the usual suspects. I know they have the reasons for that, and I'm not blaming them, nor is this an attack. However, could that, have led to me having a crisis of confidence in my ability to write? Could loneliness have perhaps found a new way of kicking me in the gut? It could be? Well it could be a contributary factor in all of this. Which seems strange as I've been quite active in many ways over this period. With two or three groups I've been involved in, my volunteering etc. So is it? I don't know it's an avenue to walk down and around to see what's there.
However, one thing is certain, whilst I'm no where near back, as I'm forcing these posts, I'm gaining some confidence in my ability to accept what I'm writing, I'm forcing myself to type, to write and let that go out into the wider world. Hopefully, forcing myself to do so, will help me get over this issue, and that I can slowly improve and move forward once more.