Waffling

I've just read what I wrote after the event last year which sparked the spiral down to where I find myself today.  It's so striking to hear me write near enough everything that I have written in here 6 months later.  I must accept that I haven't worked as hard as I told myself to do, in terms of finding out the problem that took place then, or at least a answer or solution.  What I do find is the repetition of issues around self confidence. 

Now interestingly I mentioned then issues over myself as well, one of those were weight related and I'm really aware of the weight I've put on since I had to go in hospital a couple of years back and then being put on a mega dose of steroids, that has been reduced in the past 12 months, but probably won't be stopped.  Here's the issue I now have, I'm so aware that steroids when given in this form inevitably put weight on anyone, so I shouldn't have a problem with that, as I know it's an unwanted side effect.  My mind is already working at myself to say well you need these tablets to make you better and healthier then so be it, it's a side effect.  However, not being able to shift the weight because I'm no longer able to exercise due to the arthritis in the hip and knee on my right side, has meant shifting the weight has been a mega problem.  To compound that, the grill on my cooker went off last September, this was followed in January by the oven, leaving me the only way to cook was in a pan.  Fine in many ways, but it isn't healthy, especially when you don't like many vegetables.  So my diet hasn't been at it's best, my land lord has only in the past week or two got me a new cooker, so now I can cook properly and not have to fry stuff or constantly have pasta etc. 

Of the two issues above, the weight or the medical issues, I'm not sure which is having the biggest impact on me mentally.  I presume that they are equally as devastating, but neither are huge things that I pay to much attention to.  Has my thinking of this is going to do me good shaded my ability to make this judgement?  Either way I do think this has had a huge effect on my self confidence.  Which has then directed itself towards my volunteering/work role.  I know the constant things going wrong has been an issue for a while, and that when I wing things they don't always go to plan, but then when your not involved in the planning, when you are marginalised or just don't have to be involved in the planning what else am I to do if asked to do something?  Then to have any failing reinforced has just further knocked me back.  Even the simplest of things are forcing me to evaluate myself and my past.  Which due to the medical issues, I have to accept won't be achievable in future I'll always be a pale of my former self, but that was always going to be an issue, I'm no longer that young person any more, I'm older and slower.  So why when I'm no longer as good as I was at something am I destroying myself mentally?  Why am I shooting my own confidence when I can understand the reasons as to why I'm no longer able to do things? 

This is why I'm not sure that my physical deterioration is the contributing factor in my acceptance that I've been deluding myself that I am good at working with young people.  I can't even say that I don't feel part of the two teams I work with, as I do, I've gone beyond the natural stage of trying to judge if I'm "in" with the team.  I have spoken to someone about this and they suggested that I write down the good things in sessions I've worked going forward from that conversation.  Well apart from one session, where we went on a trip, I can't think of any of the sessions I've worked where I've done something good, where I've contributed positively.  If I can't do that, what is the point of being there if  I am doing nothing?   I am supposed to be a good listener, well that skill isn't used much as others do the talking and listening in the groups I work with, so again what point in continuing them?? 

A moment of magic clouded in darkness

A rather unique title to this post, but it's something that has happened this morning.  Whilst I slept on what has gone before, but still feel the same, I contemplated final words to others rather than the masses.  It was during this that I had a startling moment of magic, a memory of something I had shut out of my mind, something that I now can pinpoint where this started. 

This is where the title came from, that magical moment that you recognise the point of origin, where you can start to back track to what went wrong and why it went wrong (or right depending at the point you are).  For me I was at an event, that I'd been asked to go to, one that I wasn't comfortable at and one that I felt so lost and out of my own comfort zone I had to walk away from.  I felt I knew at the time what the problem was, where it all came from, but now as a bigger decision has been made I know that this was the start of it all, the trigger on the gun, that has shot me down. Hence why this moment is clouded in darkness.

Back at this event I sat and wrote my feelings down, I don't think I've got that piece or if I have it's on my old laptop that I would have to dig out and see if I could retrieve it, but it wouldn't change the outcome of where I am now.  I don't think I really recovered from that event, I don't think I will recover, as it was where my failings or weaknesses arose once more and the self doubt and confidence evaporated once more. I should, I suppose look at why my confidence is so low, and why I am doubting myself so much.  Even when someone has suggested I do something and said they believe in me, I still can't accept that, I can't take it and use the belief that they have in me for myself.  I want to ask am I shadow of my former self, the one full of self confidence, but I can't as I don't think I've ever be self confident in anything I do, I've blustered through situations, told myself that I can do things, told myself that I'm good at things and even believed that, but perhaps I have to accept that I have been kidding myself, to keep myself on an even keel. 

Now that I have found this point, I'm going to go back and examine what went wrong then, why it went wrong, as before that I'd had another issue, which had caused me to struggle and feel bad. 

Oh, just as I wrote that last sentence, I suddenly spotted a pattern of flight, why do I fly away?  Why do I run?  Why do I give up so easy?  So much stuff to try and figure out, well I'm going to have some time on my hands soon to do so.

Dusting off the cobwebs

Wow, it's been some time since I wrote anything in here, this place was and to a point still is my venting arena.  I've had no reason to vent, I've had no reason to write, things have on the whole been good for me over the past few years.  My health has been better, that goes without saying, but mentally I've been good, and no need to write till now.

So why now?  What has brought me back?  I have, I've been in a good place for so long now that I've been able to combat anything that has come my way.  That recently though has been challenged, by an increasing awareness that what I once thought was a strong point in my life, perhaps the only strong point that I have, one which I've nurtured for all my adult life may be false.  That what I thought was good wasn't that I'm not very good at it at all.  


I'm talking about work, and while no one has said anything to back up my feelings about this, I don't think I've contributed in the way that I would like, I don't think my contributions have been worthwhile and often go wrong.  No matter what I do, it's never perfect, it's never good.  I can take some comments, I don't mind people digging at me over stuff that I can't help, but when I can't do anything right, it's about time I gave up.  

Over the past few months I've been able to push myself to give myself another chance and another month to make it work out, sometimes it's been another week, another session.  Tonight though I did something that I regret, but I had to do.  I may be nothing, but I'm not going to take that, and now I see no future and a time to evaluate what I'm going to do in the future.  I'm giving myself some time to ease out of where I am, and will enjoy a break I've got planned in the next few weeks, but after that I've got to sit down and try and think what can I do?  What am I good at.  

To be honest, I have enjoyed what I've done, I've met some incredible people, some of whom I could call a friend, but I'm not going over that again here.  I've been involved in so many good experiences that I will miss the chances to explore more and enjoy more, but I have to be fair to myself, and to those I work with.  I never thought that I'd be in this position, but I am, and I've got to deal with it.