Friday, May 05, 2017

A moment of magic clouded in darkness

A rather unique title to this post, but it's something that has happened this morning.  Whilst I slept on what has gone before, but still feel the same, I contemplated final words to others rather than the masses.  It was during this that I had a startling moment of magic, a memory of something I had shut out of my mind, something that I now can pinpoint where this started. 

This is where the title came from, that magical moment that you recognise the point of origin, where you can start to back track to what went wrong and why it went wrong (or right depending at the point you are).  For me I was at an event, that I'd been asked to go to, one that I wasn't comfortable at and one that I felt so lost and out of my own comfort zone I had to walk away from.  I felt I knew at the time what the problem was, where it all came from, but now as a bigger decision has been made I know that this was the start of it all, the trigger on the gun, that has shot me down. Hence why this moment is clouded in darkness.

Back at this event I sat and wrote my feelings down, I don't think I've got that piece or if I have it's on my old laptop that I would have to dig out and see if I could retrieve it, but it wouldn't change the outcome of where I am now.  I don't think I really recovered from that event, I don't think I will recover, as it was where my failings or weaknesses arose once more and the self doubt and confidence evaporated once more. I should, I suppose look at why my confidence is so low, and why I am doubting myself so much.  Even when someone has suggested I do something and said they believe in me, I still can't accept that, I can't take it and use the belief that they have in me for myself.  I want to ask am I shadow of my former self, the one full of self confidence, but I can't as I don't think I've ever be self confident in anything I do, I've blustered through situations, told myself that I can do things, told myself that I'm good at things and even believed that, but perhaps I have to accept that I have been kidding myself, to keep myself on an even keel. 

Now that I have found this point, I'm going to go back and examine what went wrong then, why it went wrong, as before that I'd had another issue, which had caused me to struggle and feel bad. 

Oh, just as I wrote that last sentence, I suddenly spotted a pattern of flight, why do I fly away?  Why do I run?  Why do I give up so easy?  So much stuff to try and figure out, well I'm going to have some time on my hands soon to do so.

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