Thursday, May 04, 2017

Dusting off the cobwebs

Wow, it's been some time since I wrote anything in here, this place was and to a point still is my venting arena.  I've had no reason to vent, I've had no reason to write, things have on the whole been good for me over the past few years.  My health has been better, that goes without saying, but mentally I've been good, and no need to write till now.

So why now?  What has brought me back?  I have, I've been in a good place for so long now that I've been able to combat anything that has come my way.  That recently though has been challenged, by an increasing awareness that what I once thought was a strong point in my life, perhaps the only strong point that I have, one which I've nurtured for all my adult life may be false.  That what I thought was good wasn't that I'm not very good at it at all.  

I'm talking about work, and while no one has said anything to back up my feelings about this, I don't think I've contributed in the way that I would like, I don't think my contributions have been worthwhile and often go wrong.  No matter what I do, it's never perfect, it's never good.  I can take some comments, I don't mind people digging at me over stuff that I can't help, but when I can't do anything right, it's about time I gave up.  

Over the past few months I've been able to push myself to give myself another chance and another month to make it work out, sometimes it's been another week, another session.  Tonight though I did something that I regret, but I had to do.  I may be nothing, but I'm not going to take that, and now I see no future and a time to evaluate what I'm going to do in the future.  I'm giving myself some time to ease out of where I am, and will enjoy a break I've got planned in the next few weeks, but after that I've got to sit down and try and think what can I do?  What am I good at.  

To be honest, I have enjoyed what I've done, I've met some incredible people, some of whom I could call a friend, but I'm not going over that again here.  I've been involved in so many good experiences that I will miss the chances to explore more and enjoy more, but I have to be fair to myself, and to those I work with.  I never thought that I'd be in this position, but I am, and I've got to deal with it.

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