I've just read what I wrote after the event last year which sparked the spiral down to where I find myself today. It's so striking to hear me write near enough everything that I have written in here 6 months later. I must accept that I haven't worked as hard as I told myself to do, in terms of finding out the problem that took place then, or at least a answer or solution. What I do find is the repetition of issues around self confidence.
Now interestingly I mentioned then issues over myself as well, one of those were weight related and I'm really aware of the weight I've put on since I had to go in hospital a couple of years back and then being put on a mega dose of steroids, that has been reduced in the past 12 months, but probably won't be stopped. Here's the issue I now have, I'm so aware that steroids when given in this form inevitably put weight on anyone, so I shouldn't have a problem with that, as I know it's an unwanted side effect. My mind is already working at myself to say well you need these tablets to make you better and healthier then so be it, it's a side effect. However, not being able to shift the weight because I'm no longer able to exercise due to the arthritis in the hip and knee on my right side, has meant shifting the weight has been a mega problem. To compound that, the grill on my cooker went off last September, this was followed in January by the oven, leaving me the only way to cook was in a pan. Fine in many ways, but it isn't healthy, especially when you don't like many vegetables. So my diet hasn't been at it's best, my land lord has only in the past week or two got me a new cooker, so now I can cook properly and not have to fry stuff or constantly have pasta etc.
Of the two issues above, the weight or the medical issues, I'm not sure which is having the biggest impact on me mentally. I presume that they are equally as devastating, but neither are huge things that I pay to much attention to. Has my thinking of this is going to do me good shaded my ability to make this judgement? Either way I do think this has had a huge effect on my self confidence. Which has then directed itself towards my volunteering/work role. I know the constant things going wrong has been an issue for a while, and that when I wing things they don't always go to plan, but then when your not involved in the planning, when you are marginalised or just don't have to be involved in the planning what else am I to do if asked to do something? Then to have any failing reinforced has just further knocked me back. Even the simplest of things are forcing me to evaluate myself and my past. Which due to the medical issues, I have to accept won't be achievable in future I'll always be a pale of my former self, but that was always going to be an issue, I'm no longer that young person any more, I'm older and slower. So why when I'm no longer as good as I was at something am I destroying myself mentally? Why am I shooting my own confidence when I can understand the reasons as to why I'm no longer able to do things?
This is why I'm not sure that my physical deterioration is the contributing factor in my acceptance that I've been deluding myself that I am good at working with young people. I can't even say that I don't feel part of the two teams I work with, as I do, I've gone beyond the natural stage of trying to judge if I'm "in" with the team. I have spoken to someone about this and they suggested that I write down the good things in sessions I've worked going forward from that conversation. Well apart from one session, where we went on a trip, I can't think of any of the sessions I've worked where I've done something good, where I've contributed positively. If I can't do that, what is the point of being there if I am doing nothing? I am supposed to be a good listener, well that skill isn't used much as others do the talking and listening in the groups I work with, so again what point in continuing them??