Friday, December 31, 2004

End of the Year

So here we are at the end of 2004, this time tomorrow, a lot of the nation will be waking up to a sore head, self induced with too much alcoholic drinks, and very little food. I'm not sure what I'll be doing for New Years Eve, but this year in a brief reveiw hasn't been too bad. In fact it hasn't been bad at all, in fact I can actually say it's been a "normal" year for me. I put the normal in speech marks, as I can't say it's been average as my average has always been negative, but this year hasn't been negative. Though I wouldn't say it's been a good year, it's probably been a normal year for the majority of the world.

I'm not going to post a reveiw in terms of events, as I'd be here forever and a day. Instead I'll leave it as the above.

So today my plans have to involve a trip up to my union offices to see them with regard work. I suddenly remembered that going on the sick, though meaning I get paid, whilst being off work isn't the best thing to do. I can't volunteer or work for Barnardo's whilst on the sick and that means another source of income is closed to me. Which when you need the income, isn't helpful. I'm hoping that the union may be able to offer me some proper advice and help me through this spell. Refering to the the start of this Blog, I don't feel to negative in terms of what there response will be. I'm in fact expecting them to be helpful towards me. Had this been a normal year by my own standards, I'd be sat here telling you that they won't help me, as that is the norm for me.

The above has a lot to do with my own personal development over the past 12 months, though I've still got a long way to go, and some people who have been on the other end of me telling them that it's a pointless cause for me may not say this. I have improved a hell of a lot over the past 12 months. I'm more calmer and rational than I've ever been in my life, I'm not living on the edge as much. Again that hasn't been clear of late, but that has been down to the situation at school, and I've now rid myself of that. I've been threatening to do this for a while now, but have never had the courage or determination to do what I've done, another positive. Let's just see how this develops in 2005.

Slightly contradicting everything I've just said, 2005 isn't looking good in terms of my own physical being. I've got the shoulder problems, which far from improving with exercises has gotten worse. I was told to expect that, but not to expect the other shoulder to start showing similar symptoms. How to cope with two frozen shoulders?? Then I've got the biopsy on my liver which takes place in a week or so time. I hate to think what that is going find out. Then of course I've got a voluntary operation to take up at some point in the next 3 or 4 months. My health is a big issue this coming year.

Anyway, enough typing my shoulders are hurting me again, and I'm going to cook myself a breakfast. I think a good old English Breakfast is in order today. Not the most healthy of ways to start a day, but certainly one of the most enjoyable.....

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Bright Lights

Well since the start of the holidays I've tried to wind down as much as I possibly could after the traumatic events that led to me walking out of work. I seem to at last have reached a level where by I can start to see light at the end of the tunnel, that light is starting to shine bright, and with hope I face the next week or so, with a renewed energy, which I guess has been lost from me for a long time.

Yes, I need to find a new job, yes, I need to sort out the position with the old job, and yes I need to sort my health out, but once all that is sorted I feel the next chapter of my life will begin, and one which I will enjoy. I do enjoy working and am prepared to work, but the job has to be one which I enjoy, it can't be any old job, it has to be something to which I want to do, and not something which I'm doing out of the need for money. I can live without money in a way, it's more to do with job satisfaction for me. So if anyone wishing to lend an idea as to what sort of job I should go for next, please feel free to leave me a comment, and I'll happily look into it.

Before we start getting crazy, the area of work to which I work best is with children, and though I've worked extensively with children with special needs, I can and am willing to work with children in the mainstream of society.

Anyway, with the light shining at the end of the tunnel, I'm able to look out of my window and see a gloomy winters day, the sky is a multitude of greys, from dark to light. The tree's are bare, the world seems to match the colour of the sky, and yet here I am on the cusp of a new beginning, and one which I'm hoping will bring the colour back into my life, very soon.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Enjoyable times

It's been over a week since I last wrote anything again, for a couple of them days I wasn't really around at my place as I spent Christmas day and Boxing Day my mum's place. She'd invited me around, and we had a really nice Christmas together. It wasn't the greatest Christmas ever, I don't really recall a great Christmas, but this was a nice suprise as to how enjoyable it was.

Maybe it was the fact of what I had done at school, which had relaxed me a little, who knows. This time next week we'll see what happens, as we are due back in work, or should I say the other staff are due back in. I've no intention of going back, and will if I have to go onto the sick. It's an option that I've got in reserve to play for a while if I have too. The thing is this, I feel so much better without knowing I'm going back.

Enough of that, I may touch on it later, but not in the same manner. The more I go on about it the more I start to think about it, and that isn't what I want to do, or have done. What's been happening in the very odd world of Leia?? Well I did all the Christmas parties for Barnardo's last Wednesday. That was fun, but someone said something there which upset me and made me consider just walking away from them. It does bother me that even people there who want me to work there can cause me problems. Still the kids enjoyed the parties and though some of the lads from the group on a Monday night didn't have a great time I know they enjoyed themselves.

I decided that things had to be taken easy for the rest of the holiday, but come the Thursday things altered. Mum wanted running up to Aunite Irene's, which I did. At least AJ was with us and thus made the trip less painful for me. I don't know why I don't enjoy trips up to Auntie Irene, but I haven't for years. So after a quick visit there, the three of us then fought through the crowds to go shopping for fresh food. It wasn't as busy as I've known it to be, but it was certainly busy. Shelves were emptying very quickly and luckily we didn't have a huge shop to undertake and once we'd got everything, it was a dash to the tills. Ok, so AJ took us upstairs to look around the toy section, and tell us what she wanted for Christmas for the 1000th time, but which 7/8 year old wouldn't at this time of year??? Whilst waiting to get through the check out, mum sent AJ and me to McDonalds for her lunch. It's only since they refurbished the shop has McD's been in the Asda/Wall-Mart shop near us. AJ was happy enough, as she got one of the "Incredibles" toys she hasn't got got. I was awarded super powers for finding a McD's with a different toy in.

By the time we got home and had a drink of coffee, it was time for AJ to go home and once she had, it was a matter of a quick sit down and relax before getting all the presents wrapped up, either Christmas for everyone or AJ's Birthday present, which is today!!!!

The rest of the Thursday and Friday was taken at a sedate pace, though on Friday morning I did go and get the light on the car fixed, one of the sidelights had gone, and once in the shop, I bought myself a new stereo for the car. I got them to install it, as I'd never done anything like that before and was slightly scared of doing anything. It was a good job they did it, as at first I couldn't do it and they needed to use more tools than they expected. So at least I've got music in the car now and I'm very impressed by the quality of the thing.

The holiday days or Christmas Day and Boxing Day, were taken at much the same pace as the Friday and late Thursday. Sedate, but active all the way through. I got to mum's just before lunch time and just before AJ arrived with her mum and dad. AJ was wide eyed and went straight to the tree to open her presents from this house. There wasn't even a stop to wish everyone happy Christmas. She's got loads of things and I'm sure she's more than happy with what she's got. I'd be jealous if i hadn't got half as much as that at that age. Still she bought me or should I say her mum and dad bought me another Star Wars lego keyring, but I knew this as AJ has been telling me for the past couple of weeks exactly what she's bought me. I got some money officially off her mum and dad, which is more than I expected. Once they'd gone and mum and I had Christmas dinner, I settled down and watched a variety of things. I was hoping to watch the traditional Christmas film, "The Wizard of Oz", but I didn't get chance, but we did see the ending, which was enough. It was on twice anyway this year, on different stations. It also became a white Christmas for us, which is something of a rarity, but it certainly was nice to see and hear the children in the drive laughing and screaming on Christmas Day, whilst enjoying a snowball fight. That's Christmas.......

Boxing Day was spent hoping that Lisa would manage to get up for the football match. She didn't get up here due to car problems, which upset me somewhat. I wanted to have the chance to talk to her about what I'd done at work, as I hadn't told her up to that point. Subsequently I've managed to tell her via email, but I've had no reply as of yet. I'm presuming that as Monday and Tuesday of this week have been public holidays to compensate for Christmas falling on a Saturday, she hasn't been in work to collect her mail. Once I'd been to the football and returned to mum's it was time to watch a couople of tv shows before heading back home here. Since then, the past couple of days have been spent either here or at mum's. It's been enjoyable thus far, and though I've got no where to go yet on New Year's eve, I'm sure that I can find somewhere to go and party. If not I can bring a lot of beer from my mum's place, I've got some wine, and can get some more before seeing the New Year in either here or at mums.

I'll leave this post for now, as I don't want to go on forever with this. Plus, my shoulders are starting to hurt right now. Both of my shoulders are freezing over, though one is more advanced than the other. To type for such a period of time as I have, nearly 40 minutes, give or take 15 to 20 of those were spent 1 finger typing whilst eating my breakfast, it still strains my shoulders. Oh this could be my get out of work key for a while I guess.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


Well, it's coming up to 17 hours since I last wrote in here, and so much has gone before me being at home and ready to write. School was probably the lowest of the low. I can't recall, but I'm sure I mentioned that I thought I'd hit the all time low, when I spent all day shredding documents the other week. Today however was lower than that!! I know it's hard to suggest such a thing, but I can. I spent 70% of the morning folding paper. Yes, folding an A4 sheet of paper, in half to make a booklet for the Carol Service in the afternoon. I can't describe how pissed off I am with this. Instead of hiding away in some remote office out of sight of the rest of the school. I took this down to the library where everyone could come and see what I was doing, and thus let everyone know what a sad pathetic job I've got. You know no one made a comment, the knowing looks was enough to suggest that either A) they felt I desereved nothing more than that, or B) they felt ashamed of the position they'd let me fall into. Well I'm not going back to school in January, I QUIT. I don't care about working my notice, I'm just not going back.

I spent the best part of the afternoon trying not to break down, more so as the school was full of parents and visitors for the above mentioned carol service. I did break down at 3.30, and too hell with them, I shouldn't be in that position to do that. I had to hold back from writing my resignation letter on the school computers for fear that it would be dragged up in the future. Well it's going to be typed out tonight. I don't care at all. I'll go out and steal to eat if I have to, anything is better than folding paper.

Let's see how they cope without me. Both the head and one of the Deputy's claim that I'm vital to the running of the school!! Well let's see what they do when I just don't turn up and don't return any calls in a couple of weeks. Let them sort out the place without me, let them find someone else to fold the papers, to be a the beck and call of everyone else, I'm simply not prepared to do it anymore. Let's see how many people do next years Christmas shopping, let's see who does the school shopping full stop without me. Oh I know it will be done, and I know for a fact that they'll employ a specific driver to drive the bus. What get's me is that they'll get more money than what I'll have ever been on.

I'm now ready for Christmas alright, full of hate, anger and enough upset to last me through till the end of the turkey. Thank you SPRINGWOOD PRIMARY SCHOOL, my Christmas has been made oh so much more normal by you lot. The thought of going back or going to prison, which one? Prison, at least it will be warm and I'd be fed...


Well as it's just turned midnight and I'm all but ready for bed, I can sit back and relax a little. It's the final day of school for this term, for this calendar year. After this afternoon, I won't set foot back in that place till next year. That's an awful thing to think about isn't it, we can say next year and think it's ages away, like we do for the majority of the year. Right now thought it's what 11 days from now.

I'm feeling alot better than I did on Saturday morning, and though Lisa and I didn't get to Rusholme on Saturday night, I had a curry on Sunday night which has helped flush out the cold I've had. On Saturday, we ended up at the local Chinese restaurant, which was ok, but for some reason, we didn't have any crackers. All the tables bar the one we sat on had Xmas crackers, and we ordered some Prawn Crackers, but they failed to serve them. I don't know why we were crackerless, it wasn't as if we'd done anything wrong.

Mood wise I'm ok, a bit jovial, but nothing excentric. Enjoy it while it lasts is the motto I guess. Well, short and sweet this post, the bed is calling me with every second. I bid thee all a good night.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Where did the week Go???

I sit here a week after my last entry feeling ashamed and sorry for not adding to this blog for so long. I did intend I promise yesterday to add something, but when I got up in the morning, my internet connection failed and thus I was left to wait till I got in last night from school. Add to that I went out last night fairly early for a meal with the other Barnardo's volunteers, I didn't get much time to write. I've no other excuse really for the previous days of the past week, I hang my head in shame for that.

From the tone of what I have just written you may detect a slightly brighter character in me. I'm feeling much better than I did this time last week, I'm not as down as I was, and I'm feeling a bit positive for a change (don't hold your breath on that staying). I know things aren't easy for me, and I've fought and fought for everything I've had, but I should consider myself lucky that I have achieved what I have with my life. Other's are still failing and are in so much distress that they will end it all. Perhap's over the past year or so I've become complacent, and that the will to carry on fighting for everything that I want or need has been lost. That's understandable in many ways, but something that I need to address and quickly. I could make a New Year resoloution, and say I'll never get depressed in 2005, but that would be impossible to predict.

WOW, 2005 is upon us!!! The years seem to fly by these days, is it me getting older or are the days getting shorter?? It's soon going to be 20 years since I left school, even sooner 20 years since I started volunteering with Barnardo's. Lot's of things have taken place over the past years as you can imagine, but since leaving school, things just seem to have speeded up.

I regret losing my childhood, but if it were different I think my life would had been different too. I wouldn't have had such a good friend in Lisa. Yes, we would have known each other at school, but would we have been friends is another question. It's something though that is worth pondering on occasionally, not only for myself, but others. I mean how would things have panned out for you if you could change something about either you or something during your childhood years?

So this past week, has flown by and in a way I'm glad, it was the last full week of school till the Christmas holidays and that can really drag, but this week it flew by. My line manager Charlie came into school on Thursday for Christmas dinner. It was great to see him, he's not been in school since around the end of June of this year, as he's had a few operations. He's hoping to be back in January, which will be great!! That means I can turn to him for a job when I've got nothing else to do, instead of just sitting in reception. It's been hard not having him around around, as we've but up a good working relationship, and in a way that hasn't helped with my mood about work. Let's see how things progress with work. With regards to the post's at Barnardo's. Out of the 4 they interviewed, they employed only 1 person, but she has taken the 31 hour post which is the one I wanted, and they are going to re-advertise for the other 3, 21 hour posts. I may still go for it, and work my way into the position to claim 31 hours when it becomes available.

Talking Barnardo's again, this week saw the end of the Thursday group that I've helped with over the past 3 or 4 years. Little Lads was my friend Vicki's baby, and it was the only thing we worked on together while she was a member of staff at Barnardo's. When Vicki left, Dawn took over the group and we've worked together on it since then. It's probably been the most enjoyable group I've EVER worked with, the dynamic's were perfect and we could do almost anything with that group and know they would enjoy it. As is the norm, and as |'m sure I've said before on here, January see's the annual reconfiguration of the after school groups, and the group we had is lost. It has altered slightly over the years, but this time it's been lost. It's no more. Thursday was difficult in many ways, as I was so aware of how I've enjoyed the group, how much I've put into the group over the past couple of years. I had to do my best not to cry, I had to do my best not to show any emotion in front of the kids. What ever goes on with the new groups in January and through till December of next year, nothing will replace Little Lads, nothing will ever.

So to today, and what am I doing? Well I'll be taking my mum into town (Manchester) to see the European market. It's the last weekend before they leave, and mum hasn't been this year. Well she did go to Cologne to see the Christmas market there, which would be nicer than the one in Manchester, but very similar. Once that has been done we'll get something to eat and return to mum's, as late this afternoon United play Crystal Palace at Old Trafford, so Lisa and I will be attending. After the game it's home and change as we are more than likely going into Manchester for a curry in Rusholme, on the Curry Mile. I suggest this earlier in the week, and I just hope that we go ahead with it, I've not been up there for ages, but it's always great when up that end of town.

Tomorrow may well be a day of rest, as I may the mistake of washing my hair early in the morning again this week, and within a day I've found myself with a sore throat and awful cough. I just hope that if I do get a cold it would be nice enough to leave before the end of the week. I don't want to be full of a cold over Christmas. So tomorrow, I may just stop inside and do very little.

With that all done, and I'm sure that I've missed things out, I'll leave you all to ponder what I've written today and apologise again for not writing in the past week.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Tunnel of Pain

I'm going to leave the title void of anything till I've written this post, as I've no idea what or where I'm going here. I do know that since my last entry, I've improved in terms of mood, but that's only a slight improvement. I've felt so much better before now, and yet I've felt worse than I am today. Suicide is out, it isn't thought of. Being alone though good in many respects is horrible on a day like today. I know I've no money to go and spend, but that isn't the point. The point is that I just want to be around people who accept me for being me, rather than someone else.

What is it with some many people, that they don't like me? What have I ever done to upset them? OK, I've an idea with one or two people, but that was only me being selfish and having to do what was best for me, but to be put in a position like I have been is just way out of order. Others just seem to drop out of my life and never seem to return. Have I got a streak in me that sends them away? I know that I've written this before, and I couldn't answer it then.

Returning to the thing with work, it's just getting a combination of things which have led to me being so unhappy. I'm happy working with children, without being too big headed, I'm good at that, it's what I do best, it's what I enjoy the most. I don't ask for much to be honest, money isn't everything, personal happiness is the thing I crave the most. How though can I be happy if I'm not doing the one thing that I enjoy at work? I shouldn't be nothing more than the glourified office junior. That's how it feels like at times, and that isn't fair on me. We recently had a set of job evaluations from the local council, and it's a good job they didn't ask for me to be interviewed, as I would more than likely be demoted as such. My job that I do isn't that of the title that I currently have. I do need to see a copy of my current job description, but as it will meet every job that I do on a regular basis I can't make any sort of complaint. Of course I could site that they are pushing me out on the door in a manner which would not get me anything at a tribunal, but it's hard to prove.

What do I do? I don't know I could phone my union and ask for some help, they have helped me in the past, but would they help me now? I don't know, they should do, but what sort of help could they give me? None I suspect, I know that Janet B, my friend from Sheffield has suggested that I go back to college, but to do that I'd need some money behind me, and as I've got little of that I'm snookered. It's very difficult right now, I've no light at the end of the tunnel of this problem. It's as if I've come out of the biggest tunnel of my life, as in all my previous problems, and after a year or so of clear blue skies, I've now found myself mired in a new tunnel. I have been through a huge tunnel, and knew how to get out of that one, but this one I'm faced with is different, it's very new and I'm scared.

I don't want to get too down with work, I hate being depressed, I've been there and done all of that before. I want to be happy, I feel that I should be happy, but just whenever I get to the point of starting to be happy, something comes along and swipes away the floor from beneath me, and whoosh I fall flat on my face. It hurts that this cycle has been the case for most of my life and what hurts is that not many people can see what I mean in terms of life being so repetively shit towards me. It's never been kind to me, I hate it, but do I want to end it? No I want to prove to myself that I can be happy and that I can have a 12 month period of my life without any serious depression, but to this date I can't recall any of those in my adult life, and nor in my childhood.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

What Have I Done?

"Stop for a minute, think for a minute" was the lyrics of which have just faded out of my media player, as I started this blog. Very poetic as I try and fathom out where everything went wrong at work. I can pinpoint the moment, but that was in another school, that was another lifetime ago, that was another person. Even then, I did no wrong!! Nothing was ever proven!! I've tried and tried to make things work for me at this place. I accept that with all the staff being the staff I've worked with before, it's hard, but I don't deserve the way I'm being treated.

Whispers continue to flow around the school with regards myself, and it's only every now and again that I hear them, other times I don't and god only knows what is being suggested or said about me. Half of it will be fabricated of course, but that isn't problem, it's the fact that these whispers are going around school about me that's the problem. I'm all alone in this place, I don't seem to have anyone to whom I can turn too. It's not nice! I have people who I know I can talk too, but it's nothing like it was, and that's inpart down to myself, and part to them.

Anyway, my mum now knows that I'm looking for alternate work, but she's convinced it could be a bad move for me, yet she isn't the one who almost dreds going to work to see what the latest insult to me will be. I am trained to work with children, I've got more qualifications than some of the staff in that place, and yet I don't get a chance to do what I'm trained to do. I don't want to leave the school, as that's the area I wanted to work in, but when I'm being put upon like I am right now, it's a nightmare. I have no idea what to do. I'm lost in a circle of thoughts as to what I can do. I'm at the point where I feel like doing something really stupid to get sacked, just to get out of that place, with my head held high. When was the last time you heard someone declare they'd want to be sacked to leave with some sort of self respect?? Never I suspect.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Mad Dash

This isn't going to be a big blog as I've only got a few minutes in which to write anything. I should start by saying that I went to the doctors before going to work yesterday. The problem being my arm, as it's been very painful of late if I move it, not all the time, but a lot of the time. Well it seems that I've got a frozen left shoulder which requires physio. Now I'm not that bothered about it, except when I do move it and it hurts like hell. I can carry on at work with it, and not be effected that much.

Work wasn't too bad, I found out that they got a bus company to take the classes out last week, whilst I was off, as they had no other drivers to drive the school minibus. That is scary, as I told the head teacher yesterday that I'll be applying for a job at Barnardo's if it becomes available. That would really leave them up the creek without a paddle as such. I also found that the job they asked me to do last Monday, which kept me in school till 3.30pm when I had asked to go home early, hadn't been completed by anyone else. So that was done yesterday also. I really don't like the fact that they were so desperate for the job to be done last week that they kept me in to do that and yet don't get it finished by someone else.

Still why should I care? It's obvious that I'm not that important in that place and that I shouldn't be concerned about things, but I am and that's the problem. Oh well if I get the chance to go for the job at Barnardo's and do get it, then I'll be able to leave them, and perhaps be happier in my job. It would certainly mean more money and that's something to which I'll be glad of.

Anyway that's the quickest entry that I've done for this place, taking the post for World Aids Day away, as that was just a small note. This was a crazy idea to see how much I could fill in, in a short space of time and also to fill this place down with events in work yesterday.

Monday, December 06, 2004


Whilst trying to find something to inspire me in terms of music I can't help but think that music from yesteryear is far better than anything that we've got today. Whilst I don't wish to discredit some of the artists producing music today, as I'm sure that they are very creative people (some of them), the majority of the music being churned out today is so repetative. I guess there is only so much one can do with a few a notes here or there, but it's very rare these days for me to say I like a new record.

My taste in music is very wide, and very varied, but some of the stuff I currently hear is just so awful.

Rant over, I guess that music is a personal thing and that I should try and put on anyone what they should or shouldn't be listening too. I guess each to there own. I may like heavy metal/nu metal, pop music and indie classic's but that doesn't mean the world has to listen to them. Well it does if it's a band that very few people have listened too. I would have implored a few years back that everyone should go out and buy at least 1 album by a band called James. I still would, but as they no longer perform or record together it's difficult to get people to listen to them.

The question though is this, why do we enjoy different records? Is it the lyrics or the music? Which is the most vital? I'm really not sure, for example I've just listened to a version of Boheimian Rhapsody, who know's what the lyrics were about. The music isn't ground breaking, but the song is as close to perfect as any I know. So why does that song excite me, thrill me when in many area's is just another song? I don't know know? What part of the brain will music hit? I'm not the one to know and haven't got the time to explore right now. What I do know though is that it's something to think about.

This may all be waffle, and in honesty it is, I set off on one track, then stopped and changed tracks. Even so, this was the waffle express and it's gone from the station and circled around back. It was certainly an interesting journey into the waffle of my mind. One which I hope you all enjoyed the scenary wasn't too good today, but it's winter and the graphite grey clouds are slowly lifting out to reveal the blue sky. It's going to be a typical winter's day in Manchester. Cold, damp and in all honesty a long day in work. I'll survive, and I'll have tales to tell afterwards, but it's nothing exciting.


Well it's been almost a week since I last posted in here, and through that time I've had very little energy to do anything. The cold that I had last week really knocked me for 6, as the saying goes. I can't recall anything like it, I was so devoid of energy it was scary.

I did as little as possible last week to be honest, apart from not wanting to, I had so little energy to do what ever. That slowly returned and though Friday I might have been able to go into work, I felt that I should remain at home and make sure that I was alright for today. The weekend was a bit more interesting, in that apart from going to watch United play on Saturday with Lisa, I caught a couple of documentaries on tv, the first one being about the making of Boheimian Rhapsody. Though not as informative as it could have been, it was still very good. Sunday saw me start early and head off up to Lancaster to see a friend of mine do a parachute jump. I had said I'd do it with her a while back, but she didn't tell me she was arranging it. So I watched from the ground as she really enjoyed the experience. I'm very much motivated to do similar, but I did promise my mum I wouldn't. I may have to break a promise.

I then spent the majority of the day at my friend Lauren's place, just chatting and chilling out. It was a real nice way to spend a Sunday, and one I'll repeat in the future no doubt. I got home expecting my mum to be back from her weekend jaunt to Germany, or Cologne to be more specific, but she hadn't arrived by the time I left. I'll see her later today no doubt and I'll find out if she enjoyed herself.

Well it's back to work today and I'm looking forward to it in a way. Though not having to gone is nice, not having to do anything loses it's thrill after a while. I could always play about on my pc, and sure I could pass the day away, but that wouldn't be very constructive and that's something that I do need. I am though thinking of applying for a job at Barnardo's. The person who jumped out of the plane yesterday, is leaving and her post will become available, she's on longer hours than the last set of posts, and though it's normally the longest serving people who get offered the extended hours, no one wants them, or so I'm told. If these hours become available then I'll take them. The pay is far more than I'm being paid right now for similar hours and of course I'll have contact with the children.

It's a bright, clear mind which enters work today, not one full of dred or confusion. Let's hope it stays that way.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Less We Forget

I knew that I had something else to say, and so I do.......

World Aids Day

Less we forget the horror of this disease, let us hope they can find a cure for this soon. It's not just a "gay plauge" anymore, this is a world epidemic, and one no one should forget....

White Rabbit

I was going to post yesterday, but my internet connection went down for the 2nd day running at around the same time. So I write this in a little fear in case it goes down while I'm writing and that I have to rekindle later my thoughts, which as they happen to be few won't be a problem. The thing though of course is what direction I go if I have to stop shortly. As you may well know by now, my writing never remains true to the direction I started off in.

So the weekend came and went, and I did very little. On Saturday just gone I went around early to my mum's, with the intention of going to watch United play at a local pub in the afternoon. That didn't happen as the day went on, I felt worse and worse as I could feel the start of a heavy cold hitting me. I made sure that I had lots to drink, and made sure it was a good drink. Either a powdered paracetamol drink or just hot water with plenty of honey in it. It didn't stop the cold from hitting home over night, and to be honest Sunday morning wasn't something I was looking forward to. I hardly slept over night with my nose being so blocked I kept waking up, and having to clear the sinuses.

Sunday came, and one tired me dragged herself off to Barnardo's as I was driving for the Sunday activity group. It wasn't too bad, all the children lived near each other, I knew the run and could do it in no time at all. Plus we were going to see "The Incredibles", which I really enjoyed. Taking away the Disney schmultz, it was a very well made film. Once over it was time to return the children to where they once came, go grab some lunch and go for another set of children for the afternoon group. We took that group to the European Market in Manchester city centre. It was really nice to take them, and for them to experience the sights and smells of this thing. With all the cooking of hotdogs and the various crepe' stalls. With the never ending aroma of mulled wine, all it needed was a layer of snow to make it feel like Christmas in Novemeber.

By the time I got home though I was dead on my feel and just wanted to drop. I had to get some tea together for myself and so I had to think quickly and effectivily. Once I'd eaten I was ready for my bed, but my body just wouldn't shut down like that and so reluctantly I made myself stay up, till I was falling asleep before going to bed. Again another night of constantly waking up, but as it was Monday I went into school. More so as I've got a secondary job for Barnardo's which is related to school, and that takes place on Monday afternoon's every so often. I should have been working, but the child who I work with was off ill, and thus meaning that I had nothing to do after school. I did my best and had already had permission to leave work after lunch, I was in a bad state. It was then I was given another job, which I felt wouldn't take long, but took the rest of the day. I wasn't happy!!! So by yesterday morning I just couldn't do it, and had to phone in sick. I spent the day at home, with hot water bottle and quilt keeping me warm all day.

Now we enter December, I can mention Christmas and start looking forward to it, I can stop complaining about the amount of houses which have had decorations up before December 1st, as this is now officially the Christmas month. As today is the first of the month let me shout out! WHITE RABBIT, I don't know why we do that, but it's supposed to be good luck. I hope so. I do feel better than I did, but am I well enough for work? I'd possibly make it through the day, but I'm tired, and my energy reserves aren't what they use to be. I need to recharge the batteries. That's a sign of old age I think, which scares me as I'm not that old to be old. Though I'm no longer the youngest member of staff at work, and I'm seen as the wise old sage at Barnardo's to some volunteers, it doesn't help one's self image in that respect. I'm only just bordering on middle age in many respects, though a couple of hundred years ago I'd be considered old for the "class" I'm in.

Whilst typing this blog I'm aware that for the first month I kept altering the colours of the text on each post, I'm not sure if some of them worked too well on the background I had, and has it wasn't a long month as I only started this thing half way through the month I had no trouble in not repeating a colour. I've been thinking, whilst typing what to do this month, and I'm not sure. I've many options open to me, but I do like the idea of different coloured text as a easy sign to show that a "new" blog is posted. I may decide to stick with colour codes for days, I don't know yet. This is why I'm throwing this into the pot here, if any of you have any further idea's as to which colours work the best, or if the idea that on Wednesday's is should be say green, and Thursday's red then tell me. I'm open to suggestions, I may be in control here, but my mind is in overdrive and can easily befuddle itself.

Now that is out of the way I can carry on with the show, and I'm unsure of what the show was in the first place. I know I mentioned my class, I meant my social class and not the class that I would like to be in at school, but that is another arguement, and one which hurts. I've been there before here, and it will be here again with no doubt. Though I feel that the social classes are much closer together than at any point in history, and that the monies in each class has increased I do think that it still exists. People may not think it does, but for me it does and to a point always will. I don't know the "class system", I'm not a lover of it, but as a way of making social distinctions for others it works and is definable even today. It's better than it was two or three hundred years ago, and I'm happy that we have moved on.

Something noticable has just struck me, after having a small mental block on what I was going to write after the last paragraph. I should have ended the blog then, but while I was wanting to write further, I couldn't think of anything else to write. I started to think that I'd exhausted everything, but I knew I hadn't and felt I would be cheating who ever was reading this page. I know I could have come back and entered something else for today, which might well happen, but right now I know I have something else to say. I still can't think what it is, and that's bothering me. I started this paragraph with saying something struck me and it has. Whilst in the middle of the mental block I realised that I hadn't put any music on so far today, which is a bit unusual for myself, and then it hit me. Whilst writing and listening to music, I normally don't think as much when I'm writing and go off at greater tangents than I have done today. I'm not sure if that is pure inspiration or it's the freedom of my mind as the music takes up another part of my brain. It's odd, it's unreal, but it's something else to perhaps keep a watch on.

So I'll leave this post here, and as I mentioned WHITE RABBIT before, the text will be white today, as that's part of the title.