Tunnel of Pain

I'm going to leave the title void of anything till I've written this post, as I've no idea what or where I'm going here. I do know that since my last entry, I've improved in terms of mood, but that's only a slight improvement. I've felt so much better before now, and yet I've felt worse than I am today. Suicide is out, it isn't thought of. Being alone though good in many respects is horrible on a day like today. I know I've no money to go and spend, but that isn't the point. The point is that I just want to be around people who accept me for being me, rather than someone else.

What is it with some many people, that they don't like me? What have I ever done to upset them? OK, I've an idea with one or two people, but that was only me being selfish and having to do what was best for me, but to be put in a position like I have been is just way out of order. Others just seem to drop out of my life and never seem to return. Have I got a streak in me that sends them away? I know that I've written this before, and I couldn't answer it then.

Returning to the thing with work, it's just getting a combination of things which have led to me being so unhappy. I'm happy working with children, without being too big headed, I'm good at that, it's what I do best, it's what I enjoy the most. I don't ask for much to be honest, money isn't everything, personal happiness is the thing I crave the most. How though can I be happy if I'm not doing the one thing that I enjoy at work? I shouldn't be nothing more than the glourified office junior. That's how it feels like at times, and that isn't fair on me. We recently had a set of job evaluations from the local council, and it's a good job they didn't ask for me to be interviewed, as I would more than likely be demoted as such. My job that I do isn't that of the title that I currently have. I do need to see a copy of my current job description, but as it will meet every job that I do on a regular basis I can't make any sort of complaint. Of course I could site that they are pushing me out on the door in a manner which would not get me anything at a tribunal, but it's hard to prove.

What do I do? I don't know I could phone my union and ask for some help, they have helped me in the past, but would they help me now? I don't know, they should do, but what sort of help could they give me? None I suspect, I know that Janet B, my friend from Sheffield has suggested that I go back to college, but to do that I'd need some money behind me, and as I've got little of that I'm snookered. It's very difficult right now, I've no light at the end of the tunnel of this problem. It's as if I've come out of the biggest tunnel of my life, as in all my previous problems, and after a year or so of clear blue skies, I've now found myself mired in a new tunnel. I have been through a huge tunnel, and knew how to get out of that one, but this one I'm faced with is different, it's very new and I'm scared.

I don't want to get too down with work, I hate being depressed, I've been there and done all of that before. I want to be happy, I feel that I should be happy, but just whenever I get to the point of starting to be happy, something comes along and swipes away the floor from beneath me, and whoosh I fall flat on my face. It hurts that this cycle has been the case for most of my life and what hurts is that not many people can see what I mean in terms of life being so repetively shit towards me. It's never been kind to me, I hate it, but do I want to end it? No I want to prove to myself that I can be happy and that I can have a 12 month period of my life without any serious depression, but to this date I can't recall any of those in my adult life, and nor in my childhood.