Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Am I alone??

It was but yesterday when I mentioned snow and sleet, well neither came and whilst I was none to impressed I was also quietly pleased.  However, today is different again.  Today the weather forcast was for high winds, and yes we've got wind, it may not be high here ins wonderful Salford, but I'm sure in other places it's not going to be nice.

The question I pose myself right now, is why am I writing?  I feel so much different to what I did a few days ago, the mood, the despair have gone, so what's altered?  Is it the walking ?  Is it the fact that we are now in a new year and all the "festivities" are now over??  It isn't even the 12th night and so many people are talking about taking down decorations and getting back into the swing of mundane life.  Perhaps it's that?  I mean for me  Christmas and New Year were just other days in my existance.  I mean I did one or two things different, but not many, I didn't have much money to play with to make things festive and thus, they were just ordinary days really.  

However I do need to explore New Year's Eve, what was it that sent me over the edge and into utter despair?  Why did I go from being a bit down to bouncing around close to the depths of depression?  What was the trigger?  was it the football?  I douobt it, I know I wasn't happy about it, but football doesn't send me to the places I explored that day.  Fall I did, but to recover so well, so quickly and not resort to medicine is impressive for me.  I think perhaps spotting and coming in here and writing and going back to last May and recalling what I wrote about walking helped.  What does stand out though is the intense feeling of loneliness I felt just before midnight on New Years Eve, that was horrible.  In September of last year, I wrote about my panic attack at my friends house on her wedding day.  The sense of being alone on NYE, was as strong as that, and though I know I'm generally lonely, this was a new feeling.  Why did that hit me, like that then?  Why was it so strong?  I don't know, I need to look into this, as I'm doing more now socially through various activities than I was this time last year.  So why did I feel so lonely?  

What ever the answer is I can't write it now, as I don't have the answer.  I need to sit down or perhaps explore this during a walk, where I can take a look at myself a bit better than I can at home.  Will I find an answer?  I hope so, but will it appear here?  I don't know it may do in a cryptic form, but we'll have to wait and see.  Yet, one thing is for certain, that even though I've been through a lot, I've done lots of things good and bad, I still find ways to shock myself and find new emotions all the time.  Life's one big learning roller coaster. 

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