Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Being Ugly

Over the past few months I've been rather happy, typing away anything and everything, mainly the positive things with a few odd negatives thrown in for good measure.  Today however I sit here with dread at what I'm about to type.  Not that it's bad news or anything, but because of the way I'm feeling and I know it's going to end up with me exploring my own feelings and my ow image, and that can be painful to write.  Well no it isn't painful to write it's rather simple actually, what s painsful is how open I'll be and how when I come to read it back, near to the bone I can get.

Let's be clear, I'm in a good place or I think I am.  However a couple of things this week have perhaps rang a few bells that I need to look at and perhaps I've spotted things early and can address things earlier than the norm, without stumbling into a depressive state.

Today has been a bad day in so many ways, it started off fine, no problems and off to Leigh I went.  It was whilst in Leigh that things started to go bad as such.  I haven't had any issues with the goings on in Leigh for a while, and today was going well to start with, but then I started to notice little things, little errors, that whilst I could handle them, after a while of mentally batttling them, I gave up.  Now that's understandable I guess, but this was way sooner than normal, and I had no real justification to do so either, so I fought it hoping that I'd break through.  However, I couldn't fight it, I didn't break through and I ended up having to stop.  I needed some time to compose myself, I was getting upset, and I knew I needed to stop or else I wouldn't be able to hide how upset I was.  I took a minute and looked at what had been done.  It was then I collapsed.  

I say collapsed, I mean mentally collapsed, I looked in the mirror once, then twice and then broke down.  I think the reaction was due to the little errors whilst only minor they became more than an irritation, and harder to fight.  Seeing how good a job had been done, but what was around that shredded me.  I couldn;t handle it.  It seems never ending the fight to get it done, and it seems like I'm not winning even though I am.  However, I was broken, I couldn't see anything other than failure.  I got myself together, got out of the room and then broke down again, it's been a long time since I've felt like this.  All the joking aside, I have never been "attractive", I know I'm ugly, but I felt uglier than ever this morning and it hurts when I realise that.  Nothing anyone could say would have stopped me thinking that.  

Now I've had some time to sort my head out, it's still not with it totallly, but I realised that on Monday I really didn't have any energy to do anything even though I had a meeting to go to.  I didn't have any desire to attend or participate.  I was amazed that I managed to get through it to be honest.  Thinking about that, and what has happened today, I need to do something about it.  I need to do something different, something to cheer me up.  I don't know what, maybe I should go and buy myself a new mobile, like I've been thinking about.  I have chatted to the shop at the Bridgewater Hall, I've an idea as to what they've got on offer, but having looked at the website, I'm sort of looking at 2 or 3 specific mobiles, I may call back tomorrow and see if they have any of the ones I'm looking at, to siee if they have them in.  If so I can make my mind up, if not I'll have to go with something different....  However, let's see if something goes right for once.  

Saying that I hope something goes right for once isn't fair, I had a rather lucky weekend last weekend, so I shouldn't suggest that things don't go right for me that isn't true. 

No comments: