It's the 11th month of the year, and the month where fall/autumn becomes winter. I've not been in a good mood of late as you may be aware, and it's around this time of year where my mood generally falls away further. I am attempting to maintain some sanity in my quest for peace, but it's not easy. Right now I may be over 60% of being happy, but that 40% that isn't is a huge factor in my life and can easily eat away at the happiness.
I can see where I need to go to be happy, but it's just maintaining my focus I guess. I know that I didn't enjoy Saturday as much as I should have and since then my health has failed me again, with the cold of a couple of weeks ago returning. I have managed to contain that I hope, but it's still demoralising to find that you haven 't quite beat the thing you thought you had. Much the same as depression, just as you think you've got it beat, something comes along and brings it back to you.
How depressed am I? I really don't know if I could claim to be depressed right now, not after the state of depressions I've had in the past. It's been a while since I have really considered suicide, which of course is good, but to get to that point I had to be very depressed and would have been so for months on end. However, it's now been what a couple of months since the trips to London that brought about the change within me (though I no longer blame the events, it must have been in me at the time), and though I'm not out of the dark and back into light it is something I can see.
So I write this accepting that I am depressed and that surely is a good sign, but I've done that before and still not learned my lessons from it. Other wise why would I have been seeing a councillor over the last year or so. Then again she has helped me move on and got through the rough times that I've had over the past couple of years. I can see how I am better than I was about 2 years ago. I feel that I can continue with life and maintain my sanity over the forthcoming months. It is important that I maintain area's to express both the negative and positives in my life.
I recently wrote in here about where I started this blog and thanked the likes of Erin and Janet, who were the inspirations for this blog, and at that time I was almost thinking of closing down this place. However it's only now on pure reflection that I can see the true value of this place, for while I can maintain two blogs going and both either sharing the joys or negatives of my life, it maintains the equilibrium of my sanity in place. That I'm sure is a good thing for those that know me personally.