Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Fine Line

After finishing last nights post I made comment on someone's facebook page, about being sensible, to which I was rebuked (rightly or wrongly I don't care).  This sparked a jovial few comments and one final one from myself, which has given me something to think about.  Whilst something along the lines of the post I made in here, I've sort of played with this discussion but not indepth, so I'll attempt to in here as it could go on a while.

Before that though, I ended up going out to the shops last night and picking up a few things before the supermarket shut.  Now this included a "hot and spicy stir fry".  I got home eager to cook this and the steak that I'd picked up cheaply.  I know it's sort of cheating, but I didn't get in till past 8.30pm, so it was something quick and easy to cook.  I looked on the back for an idea of how long to cook for so I'd hit that and the steak finishing at the same time.  I followed the instructions, well almost, it said to open the chilli and place into the stir fry.  I looked, and searched and found no sachet with chilli sauce or anything remotely like chilli in.  So after faffing around for 3 or 4 minutes I quickly made a mustard chilli sauce myself and threw that over the stir fry to add some flavour to it.  I knew the stir fry was marked down, I was thinking perhaps because it had no chilli sachet in, instead of checking the dates etc.  Once all cooked I put the steak and stir fry on my plate and started to eat, I've made better sauces than this one and whilst the stir fry was Ok, I'd mark the overall score as 5 out of 10, the steak was perfect though a big 10.  Half way through the stir fry though I spotted something, not a melted sachet packet, no I wasn't that stupid I'd have smelt that, but a nice red chilli.  I wish I'd read the packaging properly, I'd just seen open chilli and place into stir fry, rather than slice and dice it.  

That made me chuckle at my own stupidity, and needed to be said.  I may claim to be able to cook and be able to enjoy some nice little meals now and again, but if one doesn't take note of instructions one ends up with egg on the face.  Bringing myself back to the the main topic though the previous paragraph suggests a fine line between perfection and disaster, and that's where this entry is about to go.  The fine line that can split everything in two, from positive to negative.  

Sanity and Insanity or Depressed and Happy, or good and bad, there is a fine line between them both and I think I've walked that line so many times that I know them like family.  Last night after making the final comment on a friends facebook post, I realised that whilst I feel close to the edge, as I sort of explained last night, that I was also looking back at where I'd been and how far over the edge I'd been.  That sort of scared me, but what also scares me is where I am now.  I think it's been so long since I've been on land" and on the good side of the edge that I'm not familiar with it, I don't know if I'm comfortable with it.  I don't understand what it feels like.  Yet, in the midst of this I know it's good, I know it's healthy, but I was almost wanting to turn myself around and take a flying leap back to where I'd come from.  

Why though would anyone want to be that depressed again?  Why would I want to torture myself again like that?  The answer is I don't, I obviously stopped myself, but it's a fine line between going and doing and stopping where I am.  Is the unfamiliarity of safety and happiness or what ever you want to call it that bad?  Maybe it's the lack of having to fight anything and everything to get to where I am which bothers me, maybe I want to fight, I want to have to do something which I enjoy, but can I not do that when happy and content?  I guess the first sign of confussion about this came on Wednesday, when I was hearing positive things said about me, but knowing in the same words lay cutting comments aimed to reprimand me.  I know that small praise is good, but I guess I don't do that well.  It's strange isn't it?  I'm strange ain't I?  

Please understand that whilst I'm exploring myself in this post, like I can do in my darkest and worse hours, this is me exploring in realtive calm, nearly content and happy.  I'm not down, I'm not throwing myself into an abyss, There was a point a month or three ago when I had considered some really odd things which should have been concluded by now, but times have changed, I've moved on and my mood is better.  I'm pleased I'm here and pleased I can explore like this, but it's very perculiar to be able to do so and also to have to when I assess where I am with myself right now.

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