Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Quandry of Tops and Bottoms

My last post suggested a struggle a struggle with my own mind over my appearance and how one part didn't perhaps meet the image that I wanted.  Well it happened again, and whilst I sort of expected it too, for various reasons it hit in a different way.

So what's the quandry?  Well the top isn't great, and by top I'm talking about my own top.  The image I want isn't there, it's look well awful, and I'm so unhappy with that, it's driving me insane and yet I can't do anything about it.  So I have to endure it, and whilst I try to do that for a few days, the people who are meant to help with that don't read, don't listen and do there own thing.  That hurt today, that hurt badly as I have made it clear how they can help me, but either because they wanted to ignore me or for what ever reason they did it there way and that was wrong.  I lost confidence, though the job they were doing was fine, with all things considered, it was uncomofortable, but fine.  However with no confidence I lost it, and that wasn't fair on them. So I didn't show them, I've learnt a new trick how to cry out of one eye..  It's a neat trick, and one that means I can show one emotion in one eye and hide the real emotion in the other, which boosts confidence of those who are destroying mine.  

With the the top is causing no end of trouble to me right now, and yet over the past few days the bottom is working wonders.  I'm finding I'm losing it again the bottom is going, well slowly, but it's going which is doing my confidence a world of good.  So that as you can see is the quandry, whilst it's becoming clear that I'll needs smaller clothes, and how good a ego boost is that, the other half is all negative and so I ride the fine line I've spoken of and trying to work out the mixture of emotions it's causing me.  Perhaps the tops issue is a knock on effect of the orginal comment, which was a positive comment, which some how has turned into a negative.  Perhaps that's me looking for something to beat myself down with after all this time?  I don't think so as I'm trying to be positive about myself and have been doing such a good job of it of late.  Oh I don't really know, I feel like I'm throwing emotions in the air and catching anything I can, and those that know me, know I can't catch for toffee, so I'm clutching at emotions (rather than straws I guess).  One minute high, one minute low, but it isn't a depressive low, it's more self image, mixed with the loathing, but that's part and parcel of the same thing right?

I've started walking again, that helped earlier this year and it helped me lose some weight not only then, but previously, and so I guess I should continue that as I need to lose some more weight.  I found that I'm walking way faster than I had realised, and was ahead of my aim from the phsyio, so I'm extending my normal walk to 5 miles a day, and have found that I can do that in just over an hour.  An hour nine minutes yesterday, however I'm paying for it today, as I didn't drink enough fluids during the walk and didn't really replenish them through the day, so I've had a stinking headache all day.  I'll sort that out and hit the road tomorrow, and drink plenty.  I've set a target of hopefully February to get to 5 miles in an hour, if not below and the aim is to be able to walk 6 miles in about an hour by the end next year say?  That would seriously help me lose some weight and I may be able to get down to the target weight quicker than I thought I would?  Who knows, but what a confidence boost that would be???

No comments: