Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Looking Back

I guess the end of the year always leads to people reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the following year, with aspirations and hopes of wonderous things happening to themselves. I'm not ashamed to do this, I think it's good to reflect on the past, looking forward isn't healthy as it leads to abject failure which then needs to be dealt with and after all the failings that have befallen myself I don't want many more in my life.

However 2010, what will it mean to me in 5, 10, 20 years from now? I think I'll look back on it as a horrible year, one which dropped me further than ever before, took me to places that I hadn't seen for years and further down to an abyss that nearly swallowed me. I don't know what stopped me from going that next step, that next step had I taken it that fateful day in June would have been death, suicide. I was close to it, I haven't really said much about it, but to be stood peering over a motorway for way over an hour, trying to find a positive in my life and just increasingly finding a negative wasn't healthy.

Whilst the police stepped in, and did little more than remove me from the bridge, and ask a few quesitons, it was the stark reality of what would happen if I didn't drag myself away from it all that brought me to my senses that day. Perhaps I didn't really want to take the step, otherwise why would I have spent over an hour thinking about it, maybe it was nothing more than an extreme cry for help. However, what help did I get? A sympathetic police officer and then a chat with a nurse, and later my gp before getting some anti depressants. The rest has had to come from within myself.

Since that day this year hasn't exactly been a bed of roses, far from it. It's been a struggle to get through it, physically and mentally, it's been like trying to plough a field with a spoon. Yet, amongst it all, my decision to join the trans swimming group or at least give it a go was probably the biggest single event of the year. Found by accident ploughing through lots of LBGT stuff, possibly looking for stuff either for union related matters or for my personal trans presentation. I can't recall the reason that I was looking through what ever page I was, when I found mention of a trans swimming group. That I decided to go was a bit of a shock, but then it was around the time that I was walking daily in prep for a sponsored walk that I did, and wanted to do something apart from walking.

Exactly why does that rate as being the biggest single event? I think it was me accepting that no matter how hard I didn't want to accept that I was acutely lonely, I was and that perhaps I may find a common ground with the other members. Even if that was only once a month, it would be some interaction with people, who wouldn't judge me. The fact that I have returned to one group and joined another group as such has taken me into a position where by I can go out and meet people two or three times a month, as opposed to perhaps two or three times a year. It does make a difference. It's that difference and a totally new set of people to interact with, that perhaps have provided me with the most positive memories of the 2010.

The whole family situation is still bleak, yes I've got a chink in the issue, but that's it a chink. I doubt it's going to get any bigger any time soon, but it's a start. I do hope that 2011 may be the year that I can see something more than a chink in all of this, but I can't. If anything I can see 2011 bringing more heartache, genuine heartache and possibly a conclusion to part of it. It's something that those who are aware of the current situation may read what I've just written and perhaps will understand what I mean by this. I guess that I've been proved wrong before when it comes to drawing this type of conclusion with this person, and I hope I'm wrong again, but I don't know this time.

Looking forward to next year, one or two things are in the fire, which I hope to prove a positive, however I'm so geared to failure that I'm not going to build myself up for them. I dare not, and will not. Yes, if they come good I'll be shouting about it and telling the world, either here or else where, but first things first the last days of this year and the start of next has to take place and with 24 hours in each day to endure one can not start to plan further than 24 hours in advance.

1 comment:

jillwale said...

I hope that 2011 is a much better year for you x that dark place you went to this year is a place I hope you dint visit again x it is hard, I know, but you have an inner strength that will carry you through x lots of love and hugs x