Thursday, April 07, 2011

The undertow

The waters appear calm on top of the surface of the pond that are my emotions today, though I know that below the waves are crashing around as violently as they have been over the past few weeks. Why I'm feeling calmer though I don't know, it isn't the pills, that would be too quick of a response, but as I set off on my journey to the library today I realised how much calmer I was at least on the surface. I know that it's going to take time, my attention span right now is fairly short, I'm not able to maintain much attention on things which is a sign that things are not quite right, I've got no energy to motivate myself to do anything other than perhaps come down to the library once a day and that's about it. I am struggling and that's without a shadow of a doubt. So we'll see how today moves on and how the next few days move on as well. Being able to identify this helps I guess, it at least shows that I'm spotting things again and I know that whilst I may not have much of an idea as to why I'm here, I can see at least read the signs identify the situation accept it and try and deal with it. So what else is new? Not a lot, I'm still as always waiting for reply's to job applications, I'm still not getting any sort of communication from my family, except my aunt in Canada. I find that hard to accept at times, but hey what can I do? I mean it's not for me to do anything as it's always been them ignoring me, so why should I continue to make the effort?? I'm not going to go down that road again, it's been done so often, so it's what else?? Well not a lot really...

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