Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Reflections of the past

Yesterday I sat in my car (whilst driving of course, I'm not sad enough to sit in the car for anything else these days) and listened to The Doors. I had one of those moments which makes you stand up and take notice of things. I had forgot how much I liked The Doors, and just wanted to listen and chill out to them for the rest of the day. That was fine and though I listened to other bands during the day, nothing hit home like they had.

On reflection though, is that a bad thing? I could go on about how good the music was, how way beyond his time Jim Morrison was etc, but there is one word in those two statements. That word is WAS, The Doors and Jim Morrison are past tense, one is a dead and the other his band. Is this a description of myself? Do I spend too much time in the past? I mean I know I've put down one of my favourite sayings down in here, the one about the past defining the present etc. Yet, I do seem to look back in time alot. Is this a fault of myself?

If I think about this place for example, it's rare for me to look forward and think about enjoying anything. It's normally an apprehension or a review of something, hardly a "well I can't wait for this". Though of late, whilst in the good mood I've been in, I've improved on that, and that's significant. So is my past too dark? Should I try and place my past in the past? Is it that easy to do? I don't know, the longer I'm in the mood I'm in the easier it's becoming, but it's not certain to exist is it? My past has shown that, and it's that past which haunts me. It's a vicious circle me thinks, and though I'm trying to get out of that right now, and at this point am out of it, it's staying out of it that's the hardest part.

Onto other stuff after that reflective of myself. The weather isn't showing signs of easing up, it's still chucking it down, and the skies are granite gray. I said on Sunday we needed the rain, so I'm not going to wish for the weather to improve, others might, but from a wider perspective I'm more than happy for this to continue. It does cause problems at work, as it reduces the amount of activities that I can introduce to my clients, and this is the time of year, when we should be making use of the parks etc, however that's out of the question with the rain. I'm good enough however to be positive about this right now and that's including the dreaded group that I have on a Tuesday.

Something of note to myself is that the amount of returning people reading here isn't that high anymore. Perhaps I shouldn't in future expect that people know the background to half the stuff that I'm writing. Maybe it's because I've isolated the previous readers? I really don't know. The question is do I care? Well yes, I do care, but then on the other hand, this site is aimed at helping myself out, by being a sort of diary, to vent my anger at myself and the society that I live in. I don't want to feed that negativity upon others, and this place is great for being able to get rid of stuff. That's why at times this place can be very personal, so I guess it's a mixed viewpoint on the returning viewers.

No comments: