Wednesday, June 17, 2015


I start this post thinking it's going to be about my health, but I don't know, if it is to remain on my health it's going to be my physical health rather than my mental health.  I went through that a lot in my previous post.  My general health seems to be stabilising, but my biggest issue right now is my back, of course this has been a long standing issue, but I'm starting to question the situation.  I have had sciatica before now, and I'm curious if this isn't that once more.  Normally it would go after a week or two of problems, but on and off it's been playing up now for at least 3 months now and it's showing no signs of abating.  

At times I can barely walk with it, and even standing is an issue.  Take today as an example I started to feel the pain after walking down to the local shops, which I do daily, and in times gone past wouldn't be an issue.  I got to the shops today and boom it went.  I struggled around the shop in agony, and then had to sit down in the shop for around 20 minutes whilst I let my back relax a bit.  It then went again after about 5 minutes walking back.  It's just so painful, and really isn't something I enjoy trying to cope with.  I'd rather endure another ruptured knee ligament than this.

What this has led to, is an increased spell of inactivity, after already putting on weight due to the steroids I'm on.  So that hasn't help ease any pain in the back and I'm sure, no I know it's adding to the problem.  So I have to be really careful.  Talking of steroids, I can start to reduce the dosage right now, by 2.5mg every two weeks, but that's only going to get me down to 20mg a day, which is way to much for my liking.  It's a start to come off them though, or at least get down to a very low dosage.  

Having a condition that effects me as sarcoidosis does, isn't something I've ever been used to.  In some ways it's thrown my life into a spin, as I've always been active and had been doing well in terms of losing weight.  In fact some were actually making comments along the lines that I may have lost to much weight, but I felt I had just hit the weight where I could actually be OK with it myself.  I'd always wanted to get back down to around 12.5 stone or 79kg, which for my height would be ideal.  I'd got down to 82kg, when I got put onto the steroids, I don't want to know what I weigh now.  I will get back down to something around that weight, but I need to get my back sorted first and be able to walk without any issues.  

The weight issue is something I've never really been to bothered about previously, but as I can see how much weight I've put on and obviously can feel it, it's become an issue.  I've never been someone who would praise the way I looked, but right now I cringe at how fat I am, or at least how fat I am perceiving myself to be.  I guess I'm starting to sound crazy, but I'm not and I'm not going to starve myself either, as I know the reason for the increase in my weight is the steroids.  Of course inactivity and constantly being hungry has added to that, but I in my mind I know that the reason I've gained the weight is a side effect and that I'm going to have to work to get it off once I can.  However, that doesn't stop me disliking myself right now, but as I said yesterday mentally I'm in a decent place, I may hate, but not enough to be stupid.