Monday, May 18, 2009


Back again, and the anger is still the same as it was. I don't know if it is anger or frustration, but which ever it is, it's consuming me at a rate that is unimaginable for any "normal" person. The feeling of being completely alone is scary, OK I know I have one person to whom I can talk too, but right now isn't perhaps the best of times to be talking about some of the stuff bothering me right now. So I have to be patient towards them, however there are others, others who I've let pour the heart out to me, with whom I've always made clear that at times I'd like to reciprocate that back.

Time and time again though I find myself alone, in need of communication with people, anyone really, and no one is around to listen to me, chat to me about aimless stuff to distract me from the problems that I have. Like now, yes I want to talk to someone, there are people whom I expected to be talking to me to discuss things with me for various reasons and nothing, absolute nothing and it makes me wonder why I've ever thought they'd be there. What should I expect from them? They have never, and will never understand, because they don't want to, and so in many ways I'm better off without, but yet I still expected more from them.

Others on the other hand, perhaps I should give them some space, cut them some slack, but when one or two things go badly, I allow myself to become paranoid, and looking for excuses to blame others. Yes, I should be interacting with others, but I know that isn't possible for a couple of reasons, but it doesn't stop people from writing simple emails does it? I really don't know why it's this way, why do people ignore me so much? Am I really that bad of a person that people hate me? Am I that blind that I can not see this? In recent times people have told me quite the opposite, and yet here I am a week or so later and feel well like shit, like I'm the worst person in the world and not really wanting to foster myself upon others for fear of damaging them.

This is the crazy world of my mind, it's totally irrational, it really doesn't make sense as in one paragraph I've contradicted myself, and can do the same here, by declaring I understand that other people have other friends whom might be more needy, who they might be closer too, but for once in my life I would like a call, a chat and a good old cry, because that's how I feel, but it just isn't there.

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